This is some ramblings of my brain, so it is a bit all over the place sorry
My mind all spinning
Too scared to speak.
I walk the halls of my mind
Shouts from the doors
All scrambled and scared
Sting my ears as they grow loud
He loves me, he loves me not.
Words turn to black
Hatred, fear, doubt
I scream, and silence
He loves me, he loves me not
The black closes in, a voice shouts
Not mine but yours
Screaming nothing but silence.
The words a blanket
Now a sword
Cutting, cutting, cutting
He loves me, he loves me not.
Calm, still, not a movement
A blanket of words,
Wraps around me
I am unable to breathe
He loves me, he loves me not.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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My mind all spinning
Too scared to speak.
I walk the halls of my mind
- Repetition of “mind” here is noticeable, perhaps “conscious”?
Stinging my ears as they grow loud
- Perhaps “sting instead of “stinging”
The black closes in, a voice shouts
Not mine but yours
Nothing but silence.
- Shouting nothing but silence? I love that.
Unable to breathe
- “I am unable to breathe” would work better here.
I quite like this, and I love the repetition of “he loves me, he loves me not” What would aid you here is some punctuation, currently the flow is working against you. Add some punctuation, some guidelines for reading and it could be really great.
Nice work, I like it alot.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Hey!
I think it was kinda good that it didn't have a resoultion. it made the readers think a bit more about it.
Very good work!!
Kelsi =)
This sort of reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back. I wasn't very proud of it.
Having said that, I like the suspense here, the reader is kind of left with bated breath. I don't like that there's no resolution, but I still like the whole thing.
Was that supposed to be I scream in silence?
If not, you should add a comma:
I scream, and silence
Some lines are cliched too, but overall, pretty good.