Published October 15, 2007
“So how is your day been?”
“It’s been okay, I guess. Everything just sucks now that I have had to move and I can’t touch you.”
“I know how you feel, I really do. I keep thinking about the games we use to play…”
“Oh really? Well you better not play them with anyone else ever!”
“But really I miss you Matt, it’s just been hard being without you. Oh well there is only 2 more weeks until you return, but that seems like ages away.”
“Well would you like me to serenade you my dove? It will make you be thankful of the wait.”
“Did you hear that? I think someone is in the house.”
“But isn’t everyone away for the weekend?”
“yes! But Matt I’m serious I think there is someone in the house….”
“It’s okay sweetie, I’ll stay on the phone with you.”
“Thanks…hello is anyone there?”
“Keep calm my dove.”
“What do you want? Who are you?”
“Is someone there? Please speak to me.”
“Please don’t. don’t ! DON’T!!”
“Are you alright?”
“What are you doing? It’s my boyfriend on the phone. Give me the phone back!”
“Hello boyfriend. I have a lovely show for you to listen to Matt, so don’t go anywhere.”
“What are you doing to her? Leave her alone or I’ll call the cops.”
“ Call the cops you say? I am the cops. I’ll just leave the phone here so you can listen to me doing what you will never have the balls to do.”
“Put me down! Put me down!”
“Put you down you say, I’ll put you down here”
He heard a heavy plonk is heard in the background, followed by the sound of running water, then a scream.
“LEAVE HER ALONE!”
“It’s so cold, so cold”
“Of course my dear, how could I be so rude. Would you like it hot? Well who wouldn’t?”
A piercing scream rings through his ears, making his eyes fill with tears.
“Why..why are you doing this to me?”
“Why you ask… Well my dear, I have watched you for weeks, your every movement intriguing and exciting me. So do you think I would let an opportunity like this pass me by?”
“What’s that in your hand?”
“Leave her the fuck alone! I’m warning you I will hunt you down, and kill you.”
“Warning me are you? Well it looks to me as if you cannot do anything to save your precious dove.”
A crunch of bone stops him form speaking.
“Please stop. I’m begging you please stop.”
“Stop? You want me to stop? I have only just begun.”
“Matt you have twelve days before I kill her. We shall be off now. Goodbye. Go on say goodbye to your love, little dove.”
“Save me, please I love you.”
That was it. They were gone.
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Canary word: Present
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,627 Reviews
I found it really interesting and loved the idea, but some of it was a little confusing, especially about who was talking at times and what exactly was happening, but it looks like it has potential(sp?)
Keep up the work
A really interesting story the first cupple of sentences were a bit boring but it was deffintily worth the wait!!!
This was great and I really really can't wait to read more. Right now I really think you should change this to PG-13. Anyways wow! Keep it up the good writing and if you could please look at my work and post a reply I'd appreciate it.
From a fellow writer, Summer
thanks everyone for the great feed back I am still writing it and after I have finished I will rewrite the first bit because you guys are right
but at least you all want to hear more
I must apologize for taking so long in posting the next bit, I'm a jumper Sorry!
Love you all!
I think that this may work better with some more description. Just small things, like that she's in the bathroom painting her nails or something, and that he is pacing in his front room. Some extra info about them. Might be handy to have her think about how this guy could have gotten in.
The dialogue is a little cliche, and a bit too quick for me. Yet, I think that is has some good lines and a huge amount of potential.
It left me wanting more, which is really brilliant. I liked it.
Keep it up love.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I really think the biscut was the best bit in the whole thing.
"I’ll just leave the phone here so you can listen to me doing what you will never have the balls to do."?
He's totally gonna do her.
there is nothing in the dialogue that indicates a rape is taking place. even if there was, why should it be confusing?
I know, my opinion is pretty much outweighted. But-- I just think it works better like this. Even if it is confusing, that's a good thing. For this? Of course it's a good thing. I think that even if it wasn't the intention of the author, it should be confusing. I mean, it's a rape. And besides, like I said, it's not that hard to follow.
Anyways, before you worry about any of this, fix your dialogue.
Has anyone mentioned that the format was very very confusing? Oh wait...
Please, all that needs to happen is spaces inserted between the lines.
But for me, as someone who writes mostly plays, the dialogue in this was the fatal blow. It sounds cliched, and fake. It doesn't work, period.
I think the reason people fall into this pitfall is that they try too hard. Often people are trying to reproduce realistic dialogue and they get too technical about it. The easy way to avoid torpedoing your work is NOT to think. Just sit down and write. 9 times out of 10 it will come out okay.
I was laughing midway through this. Something tells me that this wasn't the intention of the author.
EDIT: Okay, I just reread it and found a slew of new things to mention.
+ I don't like the ending quite as much because it breaks from your only dialouge format. How about a simple: *click* ... I think this what I would use, because it doesn't break from the format and yet allows the same degree of mystery and suspense.
+ That also means I'd probably take away the description of the sounds the boyfriend hears over the phone. Unnessesary, we get what is happening.
And finally; Icaruss, you know better then to advise the writer to disregard other people's reviews. If some people find it confusing then that is clearly a problem that the author ought to consider solving. Not your descision to make...
One more thing: when people say that it gets confusing, and they don't know who's talking... Don't listen to them. All they have to do is see who is talking about raping teenage girls. Seriously, keep the dialogue format. Just work on the dialogue.
i don't think the emphasis on dialogue works much in any capacity. this reads like a script for a recent brand of horror movie that'll hopefully fade out in coming years.
This was interesting... really kind of creepy...
I liked the fact that you used only dialogue, though once the second male came in, it was hard to tell who was talking... that's the bad part. It's difficult to do all dialogue stuff when there is more then two characters...
I did like the ending though. A really nice cliffhangers, leaves the reader wanting more. Well, at least it left me that way.
Actually, yeah. Dialogue doesn't make it all.
I would be going psycho if somebody was attacking my girlfriend on the other end of the phone; this guy just sounds a little annoyed.
Work on the dialogue a little.
Good premise, though.
Dialogue isn't real enough. I mean, really, you have to say your lines out loud and ask yourself: does anyone really speak like that? I like that you have little words other than dialogue. I do that a lot myself, and it sometimes makes the story flow better, and more interestingly. It also adds weight to the things the characters are saying-- which is kinda a bad thing here, because like I said, it isn't very good dialogue. But the plot is good, you know? Although why would a psychotic killer want to tell the girl he is raping's boyfriend what he is doing, and tell him to come over? Bad plan. But, I guess, he's evil... So, there's that. His dialogue is creepy and eloquent, I have to give you that. But there's another problem:
Everything happens too fast. Three, four lines of dialogue and it sounds like the rapey guy already has his dick up her butt. I mean, you should have more one word sentences, as she looks around the house for the intruder. You should loose that line of dialogue: "What are you doing! Don't grab the phone! I'm talking to my boyfriend!" I mean, wouldn't it be better if the boyfriend just heard a scream, then started asking if she was alright. There's no answer. And then: wham. The killer speaks to him. That would be much more of an impact than what you have now.
Good effort!
Hey, this was great. It really creeped me out. All in all, I'd say it makes an excellent prologue.
Just one thing: it was a little confusing at first. you might have added just a few lines at the top to let us know we were going to be listening to diaglogue. Like: It was late and he'd gotten home from work with a headache. All he wanted to do was relax and call his girlfriend.
Anyway, i liked it. It reminds me of this weird French movie I watched.
Good luck.
It's fascinating to write a piece centered around dialogue, as you've done here. With a piece about a phone call, what else could you do?
This is good; I'm pretty sure this is the stalker character, right? You definitely set him apart because he speaks differently, so good job there.Dialogue. It should be realistic, and, since you don't really have tags to show who's saying what, your characters should be easily distinguished from one another from the beginning. I found that the boyfriend and the girlfriend talked sort of similarly; find something to set them apart, whether it be sentence structure, grammar, or word choice. Also consider how realistic they sound.
Characterization.
Consider the boyfriend's reaction as he hears what's going on...what would a "real" person do if he suddenly heard his girlfriend being attacked on the other line? Does this boyfriend have a secret? Any inner doubts? Would he call the police and ask for their help or would he try to sort it out himself? Does he truly love his girlfriend? Does this experience change how he thinks about her?
Interesting stuff.
-Colleen
I actually dissagree. I think the dialogue is good for just this. It's leaving the reader hanging and wondering what's really going on. It's only not working as well here because it doens't have any more following after it.
I take it this is a prologue, and I think you did a pretty good job of starting off your book, but there is always room for improvement. If anything, adding a bit more to what Matt is feeling, or adding to the suspision of someone in the house would do wonders to help it.
you can pester me in chat if you have certain questions on this piece in where to improve or something. I'm eating pizza so I'm distracted ^.^
--meow
Okay, first of all, your plot is intriguging, but I was only able to find that out because I kept on reading. You need to space out your work before posting so it's easier to read read, and please put some description in. Most of it is dialouge, and it's very annoying. I think there was about three lines of non-dialouge.
I made the same mistake, and I'm working to fix it. So please try to limit the dialouge and put in more description. you should aim for it to be about 50-50.