Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Azrael was in the express check-out line at the local supermarket when Zhinni pushed up behind him.
“Hey!” the mortal that she cut in front of protested.
“Hey, yourself!” Zhinni said back at him with a menacing grin.
Azrael snickered. Zhinni had never been a considerate kind of being.
“What are you laughing at?” She asked him, not quite attaining the rudeness she intended.
“Nothing,” Azrael grinned at her. He could feel the beginnings of a chill going down his spine. It happened sometimes when he was around her.
She cocked her head to the side and put on a small smile that barely reached her eyes. “Thought so!” She said. He looked at her items in the small blue basket she was holding loosely in her left hand; 2 boxes of tampons and a small vile of vanilla essence. His lips twitched involuntarily.
“What?”
“That’s seems to be the summation of Zhinni, doesn’t it?” he said gesturing at her basket.
She raised her perfectly shaped eyebrows knowing exactly what he meant; menstruation; lunar cycles; femininity; rebirth; emotional energy, and sweet fragrances. She was slightly irritated by his lump summation of her self because she was more than the infamous sex fiend of mythology. What was that expression the mortals liked to use? ‘History is written by dick-wads’?
“Don’t be a dick-wad, Az.” She said dryly.
He made a face at her and turned away, diverting his attention to the mortal at the till who was trying not to stare at him as she checked him out. He flashed his unnaturally pearly white teeth, an almost automatic reflex that he had picked up over the years. It was funny to him because flashing teeth everywhere else would be a sign of aggression but with the humans, it was a sign of goodwill and it was called smiling. He reveled in the effect he had on mortal women. Being a god, Azrael was built like one. Many desperate female mortals had likened him to Adonis, in a pathetic attempt at flirtation. He would often just laugh at their innocent ignorance and the pitiful reference. He was more than Adonis. He was the ‘Portal Keeper of Transition’, the angel of ‘death’ (he holds the cosmic frequency that helps the human soul transition from the 3d to the other planes) He was supposed to be the last thing ever; the guy who winds everything up, kills the lights as they say. He was not just your regular Adonis.
After they had both paid for their purchases, Zhinni led the way out, completely oblivious of the stares they were both drawing.
“Why did she wrap my tampons like this? You’d think that by now these people are over it. I mean, one hundred and fifty thousand years and they still aren’t over menstruation” Zhinni was tugging in annoyance at the small package that had been expertly wrapped in brown paper.
“Humans don’t live long enough to see anything beyond themselves” Azrael said simply.
“I hate them.”, Zhinni said coldly
“No, you don’t.”, Azrael replied.
She raised one eyebrow at him. What did he know? He thought he knew everything but that just showed her how little he knew. In her opinion, Azrael hung around the mortals too much.
“Where are you going?” she asked him, giving up on her package and pocketing her vile of vanilla essence.
“I thought you liked to make your own” Azrael said to her motioning at her pocket.
“Where are you going?” she repeated more firmly.
Azrael looked at her debating whether or not to tell her that he did not really have plans. He had to be cautious around Zhinni because he did not understand her intentions and he did not trust her. She was a powerful succubus who liked to go left. She had no qualms about doing what she had to do, to get what she wanted. Standing impatiently in front of him, she was a sight; her waist long dreadlocks were held up in a careless bun, her big dark cat-like eyes studying him, her long, slender frame lazily yet somehow elegantly holding herself up, in some kind of statuesque pose. Her bare breasts were pushing beneath the light cotton fabric of her top, nipples protruding like they were mocking him, poked out and taunting him. Azrael felt the beast within him awaken. Zhinni had perfected the art of casual sex appeal. He watched her shift her weight from her right foot to her left foot. That simple movement was like poetry. Just a subtle tilt and her entire body seemed to fall into the most casually seductive pose. He noticed the devious twinkle in her eyes as she realized that the beast was home.
“Nowhere specific. Why?” He said finally
She flashed her teeth at him “Come with me.” She said and turned and walked ahead. Azrael marveled at the ethereal effortlessness of her motion, and the ease with which she moved. The way she almost seemed to glide across the floor, walking in a straight line, never giving way to anyone. She didn’t have to. People just naturally moved out of her way.
2
“I know you like the view but now you are creeping me out” Zhinni was saying from over her shoulder.
He had been following her long before he became consciously aware of it. He did not know how long they had been walking, but he knew that in that one slip of his mind, in that moment of distraction, she was able to appeal to his lower self and when the beast stirred, Zhinni got him. He knew that she did not even have to try. It was his own undoing; he had been spending too much time with the mortals. Their weakness was beginning to rub off on him.
“I don’t know where you are taking me” He said, willfully defeated.
Without skipping a beat, and with all the grace ever available to a single being, Zhinni whipped around to face him so that she was still walking, but walking backwards. “We are going to the fifth dimension.” She said and immediately started to fade away.
Azrael walked through the veil behind Zhinni, his curiosity had heightened. The scenery changed abruptly. They were now on a cliff at the edge of a vast body of water. There was no sun but the entire sky was glowing orange-pink, lighting everything on the ground and giving it a rosy filter. There were speckles and clusters of stars littered all across the sky. He did not know whether it was day time or night time, so maybe it was both. The vegetation was strange too. Instead of green, the canopy was a multitude of colors, and the trees were taller than any tree he had ever seen.
“Sky-scrapers” Zhinni winked at him when she saw him staring.
“Indeed.” He nodded.
They were walking away from the cliff drop, downwards, toward a flat open field in a valley. Azrael noticed that there were no birds in the sky. He kept following her, knowing why he was not able to fall into step with her. The beast was hungry and Azrael had turned into a predator stalking its prey, except it was a trap. The prey in this instance could very well be the predator. She had him in one of those succubus bonds. Granted, it was a weak bond that he could break with his will power, but he was not really bothered. He was enjoying the autopilot trance he was in. Az could take the backseat for a while.
They walked in silence, Zhinni leading the way. She was not sure why she was bringing Azrael to her sanctuary but like with everything else, she decided to trust the impulse. She looked over her shoulder at her temporary minion, Azrael, the Portal Keeper of Transition. He was looking around at her world in awe. She knew her charm was not that strong on him and that if he wanted to, he could break the bond but he wasn’t doing it.
She led him toward the tallest tree that stood by itself in the middle of an open valley.
“I planted this tree many, many years ago” She bragged as they got closer to it. Stark against the skyline was a strange mushroom-shaped growth about five hundred feet tall, with tangled branches spread as far and as wide as it could, and a canopy of spiky green, black, purple and silver leaves. It was a majestic version of a dragon's blood tree.
“Nice.” Azrael approved.
“Isn’t she?” Zhinni she threw her arms out and spun around, suddenly transforming into an animated version of herself. She looked like a child as she tossed her head back. The loose bun that sat on top of her head came tumbling down. “This is where the immortal phoenix comes to be reborn every thousand years” she said.
“Is this also where you come to feed?” he asked her.
She stopped spinning and her hands dropped to her side. She looked at him and he felt that familiar chill run down his spine.
“Is that what you want?” she asked him, feigning innocence.
The beast perked up; he was now being spoken to directly. Azrael allowed himself drink her up with his eyes. She was standing there: under the enormous veins of the dragon’s blood tree, under the entire cosmos, asking if that was what he wanted. That was all the beast wanted.
“You don’t have to worry about that.” She said, more to him than to the beast. “Take a load off.” she crossed her legs and sunk to the ground and immediately made quick work of the green crystalline marijuana hybrid bud she had in a small zip-lock bag in her back pocket. Azrael watched her as she rolled the weed and held her gaze as she seductively licked the rolling paper, sealing the joint. The beast was really enjoying this point of view. He found that he was enjoying towering over her. She looked good looking up at him like that. He shook his head realizing that his thought process had become very animalistic. He was thinking like an animal…like a man. Pulling himself together, he sat down beside her.
“Now what?” he asked.
Zhinni held the end of the joint gently between her lips, sparked it, and took a long drag before looking at him in the eyes. She paused, then she made a tiny ‘o’ with her lips and twisted her mouth sideways, directing the smoke away from his face.
“Now, whatever you like.” she said looking carefully at him.
He shook his head in amusement “She brought me here for a session.”, he said in disbelief.
“Isn’t he’s so lucky?” she replied without missing a beat. She took another drag “Are you missing out on your soul transitions? I’m sure there’s people out there dying.”
“People…or things…don’t ‘die’.”, he said breaking her gaze and staring into the glittering horizon. “Anyway, I do not have to physically be anywhere. If can exist as an idea in the consciousness of men, then that means I don’t really have to physically be anywhere.”
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today.
The first thing I really liked about this was your character's voices - they're quite strong right off the bat and their banter immediately engages their reader.
My biggest critique is that sometimes you stray into making this feel like a "white room," where it feels like the characters are just talking in isolation because the readers don't know a lot about where they are, why they're there, or what they're doing. This was especially apparent at the beginning because even though you have one sentence saying it's the "local supermarket," this is just preliminary information - it doesn't set the mood and it's not detailed enough to leave the reader with anything but a vague impression.
I was also really wondering why these deities are shopping at a local supermarket. I really like how you have them in the mundane world because it's interesting, but I also want to know why they don't live like, well, gods. I also wanted to know - do they live near each other? Do other gods live near them? Do they meet up and hang out regularly?
You sometimes switch back and forth between showing Azrael's thoughts and Zhinni's thoughts. Standard convention is to just pick one character per scene to show the thoughts of, unless you're doing omniscient voice, which is tricky (and if that's what you're doing I highly recommend reading this article). In general, just be very careful about how you switch POVs because it quickly gets confusing to the reader.
But again, I really like their interactions and the tension between them that is apparent from the first scene. Their relationship is clearly complex, as it should be since they're gods. This is definitely a good start and it ends at an interesting place - I'm curious to know what a "session" entails.
And I think I'll leave it at that! Good luck, and keep writing!
Hello. I read this through and have some feedback to share with you. I can go into more detail about my points if needed.
I noticed a lot of places where commas should be but weren't. If you read your work out loud you can hear the natural pauses in your speech, which usually indicate where a comma should go.
There were also a few errors or missing words. I personally use text-to-speech software so that I can hear my own work read out to me. That weeds out all typos like a charm.
As I said, the first chapter did nothing but info-dump and introduce the characters, but I didn't learn anything vital or anything that stuck in my memory. All I took from this whole piece is that Zhinni is seductive, planted a massive tree and smokes weed, and Azrael has some kind of inner demon situation.
I think you could make a better choice about where to start this story, and in a way where the reader learns info organically, slow enough to not distract them from the story.
Some parts were kinda robotic, "he did this, she did that" etc. Also, you overuse LY adverbs, especially in your dialogue tags. Avoid adverbs. If you choose a strong verb, you won't need an adverb to modify it.
The concept seems pretty interesting. I like that you clearly have a whacky imagination. That's a good start to making fun stories. I found myself wanting to know what happens next, and if the beast will be unleashed ;D