Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this is certainly a very interesting concept that you have here. Its a little off in some areas, perhaps because of the two giant paragraphs that make this a little clunky in terms of overall flow but the general idea that you are trying to convey here is sound and I definitely love the premise of this whole thing.
Anyway let's get right to it,
It was a dark room, for the most part. Except for the light that shed itself on the center of the room. One could almost smell the wood floors. And there in the very center of the room, as if displaying herself, stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. It wasn't a secret either. All the boys were just waiting for their turn to dance with her, and she knew it, and so did all the other boys. But it was not everyone's turn to dance with her. It was his turn. He was the strongest and the smartest, and everyone knew that too. His hands were sweaty, his wrists were shaking, and he was not sure if he would even make it to the dance floor. He did know, however, that he had to try. After all, all of the other strong boys had danced with her so he had to, and that fact was not at all disappointing.
Okay well that was not the worst way to open something. It was definitely pretty interesting and would certainly grab one's attention but the problem here is that it sounds a little jumbled. The thoughts of this protagonist don't appear to be aligned as well as it should be and it seems to be going in a couple of opposing directions that make the whole idea seem a little clunky. I would first of all make this paragraph smaller and then try to show only one specific train of thought rather than the several here that are making it a little jumbled.
Finally was his turn. He had waited so long, despite being the youngest one in the room. But, again, everyone knew he was the smartest and the strongest. So, he started to move forward. He maneuvered his way toward her, trying to seem nonchalant about it, even though everyone in the room knew what he was doing. As he got closer she stretched out her hand to take his. His breath caught, everyone was watching, this was the most exciting moment of his life. There was no question about that. He had been waiting for this very even since he was born, and everyone else had been watching him since then. He grabbed her hand, wondering if she realized how sweaty it was, and began to dance with her. It was as if the world had faded away. Nothing mattered now. He had finally done what he was meant to do. And then, without warning, he began to fall. He was falling backwards, but it seemed to be happening so slowly that he could see everything that was going on. He saw her smiling face, and all the others as they watched him fall. they all knew he would eventually, everyone before him had. As he fell he looked down and saw all the other boys that had danced with her. All of them had fallen too. He looked up at her one lest time, and saw her name. It was immorality, lust, greed, discontentment, and death. He looked down and saw the names of all the other strong boys who had danced with her: Egypt, Greece, Rome, and others. All of the strongest and the smartest. In the corner he saw the next boy getting ready to dance. None of that mattered anymore. He was dying, and he knew it, but even that did not matter. Because he fell with a smile on his face. He had danced with her knowing full well what would happen, and now as he fell to his death he was overcome with joy, not realizing what fate await him. His name, was America.
Well now that one might hit a little closer to the mark than you might think in this day and age. I'm no expert on the history of these countries but you're not too far off with pointing out a common denominator between the demise of some of those ancient civilizations, that's for sure. Its a pretty interesting style that you've chosen to bring these points across. I don't think I've ever seen this particular analogy being used to depict this and I think its a really nice and fresh take on things that is also pretty darn effective.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I would definitely love to see more of this work in progress. I didn't see the need for any more description, if anything I would prefer for this to be condensed a little and the description ironed out a little to help the overall flow a bit. Anyways that is about all I have to say at the moment.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
So, yes, I will do my best to iron those out as I go on.
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Reviews: 4100
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