The Dance of Nations (WIP)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a dark room, for the most part. Except for the light that shed itself on the center of the room. One could almost smell the wood floors. And there in the very center of the room, as if displaying herself, stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. It wasn't a secret either. All the boys were just waiting for their turn to dance with her, and she knew it, and so did all the other boys. But it was not everyone's turn to dance with her. It was his turn. He was the strongest and the smartest, and everyone knew that too. His hands were sweaty, his wrists were shaking, and he was not sure if he would even make it to the dance floor. He did know, however, that he had to try. After all, all of the other strong boys had danced with her so he had to, and that fact was not at all disappointing. It was his turn, finally. He had waited so long, despite being the youngest one in the room. But, again, everyone knew he was the smartest and the strongest. So, he started to move forward. He maneuvered his way toward her, trying to seem nonchalant about it, even though everyone in the room knew what he was doing. As he got closer she stretched out her hand to take his. His breath caught, everyone was watching, this was the most exciting moment of his life. There was no question about that. He had been waiting for this very even since he was born, and everyone else had been watching him since then. He grabbed her hand, wondering if she realized how sweaty it was, and began to dance with her. It was as if the world had faded away. Nothing mattered now. He had finally done what he was meant to do. And then, without warning, he began to fall. He was falling backwards, but it seemed to be happening so slowly that he could see everything that was going on. He saw her smiling face, and all the others as they watched him fall. they all knew he would eventually, everyone before him had. As he fell he looked down and saw all the other boys that had danced with her. All of them had fallen too. He looked up at her one lest time, and saw her name. It was immorality, lust, greed, discontentment, and death. He looked down and saw the names of all the other strong boys who had danced with her: Egypt, Greece, Rome, and others. All of the strongest and the smartest. In the corner he saw the next boy getting ready to dance. None of that mattered anymore. He was dying, and he knew it, but even that did not matter. Because he fell with a smile on his face. He had danced with her knowing full well what would hapen, and now as he fell to his death he was overcome with joy, not realizing what fate await him. His name, was America.

This is not the original post. Actually I'm not sure why this one is here. I appreciate your comments but please refer to the earlier post as it explains some of the mistakes. It may also help you understand it a little better.

I hope you don't mind if I copy/paste your comment into the other thread. Thanks.

To the moderators: please delete this one. I don't know how it got posted twice, but I would prefer to keep it all in one post.

Hello! ^^

Welcome to YWS!!!
Good job on the two reviews!!

Onto the critique.

Paragraphs

- Currently its just one big paragraph. You should split it up.

- It would be easier to read if you did.

Nitpicks

So what I'm going to do is (I don't normally do this (you're my first victim)XD) Copy your whole story then put all my changes and comments in bold, okay?

It was a dark room, for the most part. Except Except doesn't really sound right, here. Perhaps use a different word? for the light that shed itself on the center of the room. One could almost smell the wooden floors. Start a new paragraph here. And there in the very center of the room, as if displaying herself, stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. It wasn't a secret either. All the boys were just waiting for their turn to dance with her. [s]and[/s] Start a new sentence here.she knew it, and so did all the other boys. But it was not everyone's turn to dance with her. It was his turn. New paragraph! He was the strongest and the smartest, and everyone knew that too. His hands were sweaty, his wrists were shaking, and he was not sure if he would even make it to the dance floor. He did know, however, that he had to try. After all, all of the other strong boys had danced with her so he had to, and that fact was not at all disappointing.New paragraph. It was his turn, finally. He had waited so long, despite being the youngest one in the room. But, again, everyoneThat is getting really repetitive. Changes the words around! knew he was the smartest and the strongest. So, he started to move forward. He maneuvered his way toward her, trying to seem nonchalant about it, even though everyone in the room knew what he was doing. As he got closer she stretched out her hand to take his.New paragraph. His breath caught, everyone was watching, this was the most exciting moment of his life. There was no question about that. He had been waiting for this very even since he was born, and everyone else had been watching him since then. He grabbed her hand, wondering if she realized how sweaty it was, and began to dance with her. It was as if the world had faded away. Nothing mattered now. He had finally done what he was meant to do. And then, without warning, he began to fall. He was falling backwards, but it seemed to be happening so slowly that he could see everything that was going on. He saw her smiling face, and all the others as they watched him fall. They all knew he would eventually. Everyone before him had. New paragraph.As he fell he looked down and saw all the other boys that had danced with her. All of them had fallen too. He looked up at her one lest time, and saw her name. It was immorality, lust, greed, discontentment, and death. He looked down and saw the names of all the other strong boys who had danced with her: Egypt, Greece, Rome, and others. All of the strongest and the smartest. In the corner he saw the next boy getting ready to dance. None of that mattered anymore. He was dying, and he knew it, but even that did not matter. Because he fell with a smile on his face. He had danced with her knowing full well what would hapen, and now as he fell to his death he was overcome with joy, not realizing what fate await him. His name, was America.