Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
“Are you going to kill me?”
The words came out like molasses, slow and deliberate. Calm. I had imagined saying those words at least a million times, yet when I said them, they didn’t feel like I had wanted them to. I was a little disappointed.
The man with the gun was standing in front of me. He was aiming his weapon at my forehead, unmoving. The ropes around my wrists felt like they weren’t even there, but I knew they were, because I couldn’t move my hands. Even if I could have moved my hands, I probably wouldn’t have. I wasn’t struggling. I wasn’t trying to get away. The man had still not answered my question.
If I were normal, this situation probably would have been more satisfying for him. If I were normal, I would have been saying normal things. If I were normal, I would have been trying to get away or trying to convince him not to kill me. But, instead, all I said was, “Are you going to kill me?” in the same voice that a curious child might use when asking his mother if they could go for ice cream.
I blinked, and suddenly the man got shorter… curvier. Waves of onyx hair spilled over his shoulders, replacing his wispy brown mop. His fingernails went from being dirty and rugged to neatly filed points that were painted blood red. His uninteresting clothes suddenly became a formfitting black dress that fit like a glove. The person in front of me wasn’t a man anymore; he had transformed.
In his place stood a pretty girl with pale skin and green eyes. There was a tiny scar straight through her eyebrow where the hair didn’t grow. I knew even before she smiled that she had a chipped front tooth from when she had fallen off her bicycle in fourth grade. I knew that she had a strange birthmark on her big toe. I knew that she had a pale freckle in the corner of her lip that she had a fetish for licking when she was nervous.
I knew that I was looking at myself. My lips were stretched across my teeth in the same grimace that my mother had always said looked a little too dangerous for such a seemingly mild girl. My fingers were curled delicately around the gun that I was pointing at myself. My breathing was rapid and shallow, and I looked particularly excited.
“Are you going to kill me?”
Her mouth moved as mine did. This time, my voice sounded steadier; I sounded sure of myself. The words sounded like I had always imagined they would. Sheer ecstasy flooded throughout my body.
We were both smiling when I pulled the trigger.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I love the way you write, it flows a lot like the way I do so I love to read something in this way
My only thing is (and its minuscule, that's why this isn't a review) but what is the point of the man if he only turns into the girl? He seems to just be there to be there, is there further purpose? And also, How is she holding the gun to herself at the end if her hands are bound? If you could elaborate a bit more on these points and I think that it would all be perfect 
You did an awesome job, so keep it up!
Happy Writing!
How...fascinating.
So the girl pictures a killer as a man who transforms into herself. I wonder if this would be considered a suicide-homicide or double-suicide since both die when the other dies. Hm, interesting.
Interesting that she had a shot of ecstasy when she died. In the third paragraph, the man, later herself, draws no pleasure from the act of holding her life in his/her hands because she was not normal. At the end, however, she/the killer draws pleasure from the act. So for a moment, the narrator was normal or maybe even more unbalanced than before. Then she killed herself.
Keep writing!
This is beautiful.
I loved the whole thing about it turning out to be herself that was holding the gun. This literally brought tears to my eyes. Its so simple but at the same time full of complex feelings. This is basically depression put into words. It's hard for people to understand what it feels like to have depression if they don't have it. We need to talk to each other at some point, your writing is dark like mine and you are able to put pain into words. Anyways, you just got yourself a follower.
I will look forewords to reading more of your work.
Hello lonelygirl,
Really like your creative and fabulous way of presenting your ideas. I got to read something of a very new and peculiar genre, after a lapse of time. I like your idea behind the girl's infatuation with death. Overall really good piece of work....Good luck for your future. Hope you keep up with the phenomena.
I have a feeling this may be a dream...? if not then HOLY CRAP CALL THE POLICE!!! and if its just justifying that you may want to kill yourself, or you dont feel like yourself, or you feel like your outside of your body, or something. I may be wrong, but I feel like you want to kill yourself (or the charecter does, hopefully) and I see your calm resolve as a sign that its okay to die... and yes it is, but maybe you (or the charecter yet again) my waant to.
Annyway my opinion doesnt matter, but I love the story and I see no mistakes and love and care have gone into the story.
Thank You, love Whosabell.
Hello! I would first and foremost like to say that I most definitely do not want to kill myself. This is a totally fictional short story that I wrote and in no way represents any suicidal thoughts! Thanks for reading and enjoying it!
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I can see you’re a new member, so welcome to YWS and congratulations on uploading your first work!
I really enjoyed reading this – it’s been very skilfully written and I really liked your characterisation of the girl. It’s a real talent to be able to tell an entire story in so few words, and I’d love to read some more of your short stories!
Onto the story – I don’t have any criticisms for the plot in general, but there are a few bits you may want to adjust to improve the readibility:
This is a really minor suggestion, but it might be easier for the reader to picture if you simply said black (Onyx can come in more than one colour, so it’s also a bit confusing.)
“Barely hit above the knee”? It sounds a bit violent considering it’s a dress, and I’m also a bit confused – is it above or below the knee? Maybe you could re-phrase in order to clarify it?
You don’t need to say “off of” – just “fallen off her bicycle” is fine, and I think it would probably make it flow more smoothly. Also, this is just me but I would personally change “4th grade” to “fourth grade”.
Overall, this was an absolutely amazing story and I really liked the twist halfway through – I’d assumed the girl was about to be shot by a serial killer, but then we find out she’s actually going to kill herself. Keep up the writing, and feel free to let me know when you upload something else (I will read and review it!)
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my post! I appreciate your feedback and agree with your criticisms! I wrote this for a creative writing contest about a year ago while I was still in high school. Last night I was playing around and thought I would see how this place works! I'm excited to post some newer writings. Thanks for reading!
Hey Dustbunny here!
Wow, I must say this piece was really interesting the way that it turned out and if you wanted I think it could turn into a very interesting psychological story if you ever wanted to go any deeper with it.
It was really well written, the flow was nice and smooth, I really don't have any corrections, someone more picky might but i don't. Good job, I was very impressed! Keep up the good work!
Hey! Thank you for reading this and for your kind words! I was a little nervous to post this, because I wrote it some time ago. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.