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E - Everyone Language

An Unexpected Gift

by lonelyboi

“50 cents are more than you deserve, you little scumbag.” The man shouted at Sven. Sven stared at the coins in his hand. He had carried this man’s luggage from the train station to the centre of the city, a task that took him 2 hours. “Sir I have been carrying youryou suitcases for more than 2 hours.Atleast give me 5 dollars.” The man slapped Sven. “ You insolent animal. You dare speak back to me? You piece of ---” “ The man couldn't finish his sentence. Sven had punched him hard in the gut. Before the man could react he broke into a run. He didn’t stop to look back,. He knew the man couldn’t chase him too far.He stopped in an alley.

Sven hadn’t wanted to punch the man. But he was too fed up with people treating him like trash. He sighed. Life had been better when his father was alive.Sven was only 12 when his father had died ,and since then he was left all alone. His mother had run away with another man when he was only 5. With no living relatives to take him in Sven had gone to the streets. He was barely able to eat by begging. Any work he found as a helper boy in shops or construction sites didn’t stay for long. Eventually, he had to return to living on the streets as a beggar.

Sven sighed. He walked out of the alley wondering what to do next. Today had not been a good day for him. It was already 10:30 pm. He couldn't find someone’s luggage to carry at this hour. He wandered aimlessly into a pub. The people were obviously having a party. Sven stared at them. It had been a long time since he had eaten properly, but he knew better than to ask them for food. People were beastly to children like him and the last time he asked for food he got beaten up. Still he couldn't stop staring at their food. The man in front of him narrowed his eyes. Sven knew trouble was coming. He stood up to leave, but the man called him. Seeing no other option he went to the man. “ “You’re that kid who punched that guy today, right,? When he refused to give you money?” Sven tensed. He got ready to make a run for it when the man said “ Sit and have a Coke. The man was a jerk to you. And I can see you’re not in very good shape right now.” Sven was dumbstruck. A man was offering him food. A man was being kind to him! Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat down and took the Coke. It was not much, just a bottle of Coke but it made Sven rethink his impression of people. Not all people were bad. And all it took to make him see was that was an unexpected gift of a bottle of Coke.

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545 Reviews

Points: 29617
Reviews: 545

Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:56 am
Tuckster wrote a review...

Hello lonelyboi, and welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here :)

I really liked Sven as a character! He has grit, determination, and a bit of a temper. He feels like a well-written and well-created character. I also liked the message with this story. Your characterization was strong, which made this an enjoyable read. You have a lot of potential as a writer, and I look forward to seeing more works from you!

One suggestion I have for you is to follow the grammatical convention of starting a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. This short article gives a nice rundown of when to start a new paragraphs, and when a different character speaks is one time you must start a new paragraph. In other words, two characters should never speak in one paragraph. This is both clearer for the reader and helps your flow.

My second suggestion is to look for opportunities to show instead of tell. What I mean by this is to use description to show the reader how the character is feeling or what is happening rather than just telling the reader through exposition. Here's another quick article about showing vs telling with some examples. I've also pointed out two opportunities within this story where you could show instead of tell!

But he was too fed up with people treating him like trash
Rather than explaining his emotions, you can describe physical cues that show his emotions. Maybe he slams his fist into a trash can, or kicks a rock, or runs his fingers through his hair. Those are all cues of frustration, and the reader should be able to easily infer what's causing his frustration.
The people were obviously having a party.
Here, for example, you can instead show actions these people were taking that shows that they were having a party. Maybe they had presents stacked in the corner, or were shouting "congratulations" to someone, or were eating a large meal all at one table, etc. This is also a good opportunity to describe the atmosphere of the bar!

I think that's all I have for you tonight! I really hope you keep writing, as you have a lot of potential. I hope that my suggestions were helpful for you, and if you have any questions please feel free to reach out to me!


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Points: 170
Reviews: 4

Fri Dec 18, 2020 12:59 pm
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BurnblazeX wrote a review...

Sven... Very original.
Ok ok, lets start out nice shall we?

Right. Hello there,
Popped up on my front page. Alright lets start.

“50 cents are more than you deserve, you little scumbag.”
Starting with a dialog/quotation. Nice. Grabs attention and seeks context.

" Yyou dare speak back to me? "
An extra 'Y' there smh.

"You piece of ---” The man couldn't finish his sentence".
Clever way to avoid swear words and keep that "10+" rating.

"But he was too fed up with people treating him like trash."
The word 'trash' has an informal tone, which would be fine if some other word choices werent formal.

"Sven was only 12 when his father had died ,and since then he was left all alone. His mother had run away with another man when he was only 5."
The lack of a chronological order messes up the flow. Would be better if the order was flipped.

"Today had not been a good day for him."
Inconsistent Perspective. Would be better if it said "The day had not been..."

"wandered aimlessly into a pub."
Sincerely doubt a 12 year old would be allowed in a pub.

"food he wasgot beaten up."

"just a bottle of Coke but it made Sven rethink his impression of people."
His impression of people was never mentioned in the story.

Interesting story. Could be better.
Rating: 6/10
Also, you labeled it wrong, supposed to be "Short Story" not "Art"


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lonelyboi says...

thanks, but he wasnt 12 tho. Dont even know myself how old he was. His father died when he was 12

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain