Hi! Rabid feminist here to read your piece! ^_^
What to look for in a woman? Does the Ring fit flawlessly?
Capitalising "ring" here totally made me think that this was a piece about Lord of the Rings. Not gonna lie, I was a bit disappointed when it wasn't. Also, if this is the title, then you need to show that in the formatting - underline it, bold it, definitely capitalise it.
Before I could start to write this article, I would like to make it really clear with you that I am Notshould be a small letter b being judgemental and may not be the majority to voice my opinion.
"May not be the majority" doesn't quite make sense. You're saying you may not be the most numbers to voice your opinion. Do you mean your opinion may not be that of the majority?
My writing is based on real life experiences, what I've learnt from them and wish to point out to you certain nuances about women folk these days that you may understand, who or with what precisely you're dealing with.
Read this sentence out loud - it's hard to read all in one breath, which shows that you're missing some punctuation here, and that the wording is quite hard to read. "Womenfolk" should be all one word, and it's a bit of patronising word to use.
Millennial women these days are fiesty, feministic, goal oriented, strong and desperate wannabes. They could be extremely affectionate to you or they would completely ostracize you're traits from their existance. Again that depends upon you're care.
Fiesty = feisty
Goal orientated = goal-orientated
You're = your. ("You're" is short for "you are")
Existance = existence
I would query your use of "desperate wannabes" - what/who are you saying women desperately want to be like? Or are you saying that women are trying too hard to be something you don't want them to be? It's a very negative phrase, and using it makes it sound like you think the other qualities listed (strong, fiesty, etc) are also negative.
You switch tenses from "women these days are" to "women could be" - it should be "women can be extremely affectionate to you, or they can completely ostracise".
I don't quite understand the last two sentences - women can be nice, but women can also be mean? "Ostracise your traits from their existence" doesn't sound right; "ostracise" is to shun, so why are women shunning male traits from their lives? And why is this a bad thing?
The reason behind my pen is because, im completely shattered over the decisions I took to let people reroute themselves from my life and I find it destiny tampering.
"The reason behind my pen" sounds a bit clunky. Suggest "the reason behind this essay".
Nix that first comma.
im = I'm
"let people reroute themselves from my life" is too clunky. Do you mean that people left your life, or they steered your life in a different direction?
"Destiny tampering" doesn't quite sound right.
Maybe it would be the space factor or the fact that you give too much of space in a relationship, meaning, barely having to spend time with her.
Do you mean, it's a matter of either giving her too much space or too little?
Reasons might be infinite and some even non-sensical but the end result is having her walk out through that door which is rather the most painful experience. She definitely takes a piece of you with her.
Non-sensical = nonsensical
Using "rather" weakens the impact of this sentence. Suggest wording more forcefully so it's clear how painful the experience is. Maybe "but the end result is still her walking out that door, an incredibly painful experience" or something like that.
Moving away from the gloomscomma here let us discuss about what you should look for in the next so called 'dalliance' you're about to have, or maybe a limerance that you keep bumping into time after time.
So called = so-called
limerance = limerence
Why "so-called dalliance"? Also, "dalliance" suggests something fleeting, like a one-night stand, but it seems like you're talking about long-term relationships.
I still remember my first childhood limerance, we played together, joked together, laughed and even received our second sacrament together.
Limerance = limerence
This is a run-on sentence. Start a new sentence after "limerence".
As she grew up she evolved into a 'Radical feminist'.
You say this like it's on a par with her dying or becoming a Nazi. Why is this relevant to the essay? Are you making a negative point about radical feminists in general, or about this one particular girl?
First crush, you might read this,)start new sentence here) remember I'm always with you in spirit. -(Delete this dash) So back to the topic again, whoever you are I might have a very little knowledge about you or the strain that you're dealing with but let me put things in a very general way:
More run-on sentences.
You say you might have a very little knowledge about the reader, but realistically you don't have any knowledge about the reader, so suggest reword this.
The first and the foremost I would encourage you to look at whilst you approach her is the quality of Godliness in her.
Suggest adding "quality" after "foremost".
Woman are always noted for their intrinsic maturity which they have now traded for wannabe feminism.
This is a very sweeping statement, and also very inaccurate. Women don't have "intrinsic" maturity more than men do; by saying this, it sounds like you're saying men aren't mature. And again, what's with the "wannabe"? It sounds like you're saying women are trying to be feminists but failing. However you don't offer an alternative argument for what you think they should be aiming for, rather than their flawed attempts at feminism.
But again, they're mistake-prone too, so give them their time to cope with their daily lives.
This is patronising. It sounds like you're saying women make mistakes so we need to be gentle with them. But, uh, what about men? The wording makes it sound like women are the only ones who make mistakes.
Another heavenly factor which is rather strained in a woman's mind is the whole idea of marital commitments to which she feels dragged out of her comfort zone.
By "marital commitments" do you mean sex? If that is true, it sounds like you're saying that women don't like having sex, but have to have it with their husbands because marriage.
Recently I happened to have a rendez-vous with my uncle from New jersey,(start a new sentence here) a few rounds of jinn and he started to advise me about women.
Another run-on sentence.
Jinn = gin. ("Jinn" spelt like this is like a genie or a spirit)
'A Dime a dozen' he told me, but towards the end of round four he looked deeply into my eyes with a saddened grin in solemnity and confessed, 'Justin, bed if you want to, but make sure the girl you choose to be you're wife is the "marriage material", someone whom you feel would be by you're side during the long run!'.
No capital on "dime".
Comma after "dozen" to end the dialogue.
You're = your
"Saddened grin in solemnity" is too wordy. You've got three different emotions happening in one short phrase, so pick which one you want to go with. Is the uncle sad or solemn, and how is he grinning?
Also, adding the uncle's dialogue might not be the best way of strengthening your argument, because it sounds like the uncle is saying "Go forth and have sex with whoever you want to, but make sure your wife is a virgin, otherwise she's a slut, ew."
It was these words that sunk soo deep into my thoughts that I even had to make those unhealthy decisions I penned in the beginning about.
Soo = so.
Which unhealthy decisions are these? You need to be more specific.
Beauty and responsibility: I always have an eagle's eye to the face that could set a thousand ships at Sea.
The phrase is "the face that launched a thousand ships". Also, this sounds like you're saying a potential spouse/girlfriend must be beautiful. Shallow, much?
And she cavorts in my mind every single d-a-y.
Why the odd spelling of "day"?
My! my! God would've placed a little more care when he knit her together, I firmly beleive.
Beleive = believe
Delete "would've".
This makes it sound like God places extra care when he makes pretty people, so by that argument, God was careless when he made plain or normal people. So that's both irreverent and unfair.
This intern was very concentrated on what she had been working on, (start new sentence here) she smiled, she charmed people, she made me blush each time our eyes met but then the dame was in controll of her obligations. A well appreciated blend it is.
Controll = control
The last bolded sentence doesn't read very well; suggest reword.
Consider using a word other than "dame", which sounds both old-fashioned and a bit rude.
Give her that same amount of respect she shows you, (start new sentence here) today in a world of larger than life egos and casualities between acquaintances it is simply difficult to find this quality.
Casualities = casualties? Or do you mean, like casual flings?
Afterall mutual respect is a God given gift in the marital bond of life and it is certainly something to be cherished.
Afterall = after all
God given = God-given
A year ago when I was making my confession, the Priest advised me to be more charitable than this.
More charitable than what?
I never really understood as to which philosophical insights he wished to amalgamate his advice to and further more was it a hand-drawn question mark to me as I had the very least idea how it would help me in my state of sin.
This sentence is very long and very hard to read.
Then, my friend, there she is, the woman of you're dreams.
You're =your
--
K, so you have a LOT of run-on sentences, and that makes this rather difficult to read. You're a very wordy writer, and while that can be awesome for some things, in an essay like this, you really need to be as clear and as coherent as you can. So that means sometimes having to use only three words when you'd prefer to use ten. It can hurt cutting those words out, but your writing is immensely stronger afterwards.
Try reading this out loud, paying close attention to where you've marked sentences and the punctuation. I think if you read this out exactly as it's written, you'll see where you need to change things to make this easier. As for the subject matter, I'm a bit confused over what your point is exactly. In some places this reads a bit like your personal checklist for your next partner. Which is okay, I guess, but then you add in a lot of throwaway digs about "wannabe feminists" and I'm not sure what your argument is on that point. It's clear you don't like feminism, but you don't say why. All feminism is is making sure that men and women have equal rights: "Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less".
In the paragraph about the first crush, you also seem to imply that feminism is incompatible with Catholicism (I think it's Catholicism you're talking about?). Which, as a Christian feminist, I found rather puzzling. I know Catholicism isn't the same as Christianity, but it's a little too close to the idea that religion and feminism are incompatible, like the whole thing about religion and science being incompatible.
It's fine if you want to make controversial points, but you have to back them up. There's nothing stopping you from saying a thing and then not explaining it, but then you're doing both yourself and your readers a disservice. You might not be explaining your point fully, so your readers might walk away with a skewed view of what you're talking about. I'm not entirely sure that I've understood this essay perfectly; I might be completely wrong about your opinions. I've mentioned above the places where I wasn't sure if I was reading you correctly.
Anyway, do PM me if you have any questions or if I was unclear on anything.
-twit
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
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