Diamonds in the field of green. Drops of dew linger listlessly on each blade of grass. Sitting still on the ground in the middle of the road, staring out into the eternal green. The yellow lines keeping me centered, keeping me cognizant in an indescribable way. A deer enters at the edge of the clearing, reproachfully stepping out into the bright daylight. Almost like, if she goes too fast, she'll disappear. The beautiful doe seems ambivalent as she reaches down to smell the grass. Then she's gone, back into the woods. She must have seen me. I put my hands on my knees to imitate the position my mother had been in every morning since I was a baby. The air around me seems to divide into two forms as I close my eyes; feeling and smell. Everything is silent. Even the truck that is accelerating towards me is without a single sound. The driver is getting closer and closer but my eyes are closed and I can't see him. A horn blares with a sudden burst of energy and, even though I try to open my eyes, my body seems immobile. Suddenly my eyes flash open into the on-coming headlights and everything goes black.
I quite liked it. It was short, and more description should be added. Also, paragraphs. It's very annoying to have to read a big lump of text, people don't like it.
And repeating what Cade said, please try to review at least two other pieces for each piece you post. Otherwise people won't crit your work.
Hey, new member, slow down! You must not have noticed the rules for posting. Please try to critique AT LEAST two pieces before you post your own, try to keep the ratio of critiques to new posts at 2:1, and don't post more than one new literary item per day. If you critique too little and post too much, it drives people away from your work.
It's okay, because you're new and you might've missed the Rules sticky, but now you know for the future!
Also, you don't need to post everything in "Other". This, for example, could be posted in Other Fiction or in the Poetry forums as a prose-poem. The forums are hard to navigate at first, but you'll get used to it! (If you have any questions, check out the list of Mentors or PM me or anybody with a colored name. Mentors (identified in the Welcome forums) and Greeters (people with blue names) are here to help out new members like you.)
And as for the piece...it seemed incomplete to me. It was a moment in time that you captured fairly well, maybe with a little too much description; but what is its significance? You really might have something going here, but you don't go into it with enough depth or thought as I would've liked. What does this experience make the narrator think about? What might the narrator compare it to that could show the reader something new?
The idea of comparing the deer-in-headlights to a person getting hit by a truck is an interesting idea, but I wonder: How does the narrator get in the middle of the road in the first place?
Also, the first few sentences are all fragments. Sentence fragments can be effective when used in the right places at the right times, but here it's just kind of annoying and it makes the piece difficult to read. I suggest changing them to proper sentences.
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
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