Hello there, I don't believe we've met yet. Welcome to the site! I just thought I should let you know that one of the rules at YWS is that you review two pieces of work for each one you post so can you please write some critiques before you submit more work? Thanks. As for a critique...
This is too short to be anything much. Some of the description is quite nice but it's not all that original and there doesn't seem to be much of a plot to it. Also, if this is about Emy, why not use her name? I found that a little strange. I think you need to add more to this, develop a plot line and then add some scenery; a setting and other characters. Here's a few suggestions on the technical details too -
The dark lines that float under her eyes look like storm clouds, ready to crash and burn at any moment.
Her movements aren't as they used to be; she walks with a sad [s]somber[/s] sombre limp, like someone just ripped her heart out and replaced it with lead.
The poison is slowly eating away at her vast personality and bright [s]demenor[/s] demeanour like it has an obligation to destroy her.
Other than that, try to avoid the obvious imagery like replacing a heart with lead and a book of secrets. Try to think of something that's going to stand out. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
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