Published March 20, 2010
As soon as I stop breathing I
melt somewhere in the distance
spread like butter over stardust
only to fall right through and
tumble across the nowhere
As soon as I stop breathing I
lose all my senses and gain the sixth
snuggle like a newborn in the haze
suffocate in the alternate reality
soaking in strange euphoria
BUT
as soon as I open my eyes I realize
that I am only kissing
Might
March the milky way
Under undate ultramarine,
Ascend aurora ardently.
Hovering the halo,
Henceforth.
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The first letter of each line of the last stanza (I don't know if anyone noticed this) spell out MUAH, as in the sound of a kiss. Meaning wise, it is supposed to basically say, "I like this and I will do this many more times." I can put the last stanza into one sentence for your understanding: I might experience kissing from now on.
Honestly, I liked it. I love repetition and imagery. In the first stanza, you made me feel like I was in the move Alice In Wonderland. I loved that. I didn't quite like the ending so much. It didn't seem right. Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I would love to get a better understanding if I've misinterpreted your poem.
Hey there
I think that this is a pretty nice poem!
There are some errors, as the other reviewers have pointed out though.
Like Kamas said, you have a tendency to overuse alliteration! Alliteration is good and it can definitely be effective. Although, to much alliteration can be a problem. Sometimes, it makes the reader struggle to actually read the poem! Just be careful of that
I must say though, after reading your poem, I reckon that you obviously have potential! The content of the poem is very good. You just need to read over it, maybe sort out the overuse of alliterations and you'll have a really good poem!
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Hello there,
First thing I'm going to say is that your overuse of the lovely thing called alliteration makes this slightly hard to swallow. That repetition of the same sound is okay in moderation, but if not it basically becomes a tongue-twister.
Sandy sells seashells by the seashore. Sandy sells seashells by the seashore...
Another thing I'd like to point out would be:
So in these 2 stanzas, you: melt, spread, fall, tumble, lose, gain, snuggle, suffocate and soak?
You are describing a kiss, which I imagine to not last hours on end. How are you supposed to complete all these actions one after in short succession in a limited amount of time.
This emerges because of that fact you did not create links between each action. If your main idea is a kiss, you want to link all those verbs back to a kiss, don't expect us to know how suffocation or snuggling feels like. Make that bridge and guide your reader over it.
All the best,
Kamas
An interesting poem. A few things jump out at me, however.
"melt somewhere in the distance
spread like butter over stardust
only to fall right through and
tumble across the nowhere"
-- I'd end this stanza with a period.
"lose all my senses and gain the sixth
snuggle like a newborn in the haze
suffocate in the alternate reality
Soaking in strange euphoria"
-- I would make the 'Soaking' have a lowercase s to preserve the structure, and also end the stanza with a period. You might consider playing around a bit with your first line, possibly making it something like "lose my five senses and gain the sixth"
"as soon as I open my eyes I realize
.
.
.
that I am only kissing"
-- I think you can probably get away with just using spaces and not periods. Alternately, you could make them into ellipsis (...). That would give a longer feel to it.
"Ascend aurora ardently"
-- I'd switch the order around, and make it "ardently ascending (the?) aurora(s?)", and either pluralize aurora or throw in an article.
A very interesting poem. Hopefully these comments helped, and I look forward to reading more of your work.