Standing inside the glossy windows.
Staring out to the busy walkway.
Businessmen on their Nokias, chatting away.
Students on their iPods, singing away.
Tourist on their half-empty wallets, shopping away.
But this is merely their skin.
We don't see the face of the businessman slapped and dragged against the sidewalk by his greasy employer.
We don't see the scarred wrist of the student as she receives a break-up text for the 15th time.
We don't see the fragile heart of the tourist sat on by the kilo-tons of pressure placed by a mere phrase from his wife's whirlpool mouth.
And we wonder what else is hidden,
in the little versions of a Pandora's box - our hearts.
A little tear grows in my eye, as i slowly open the heavy lids of the boxes.
Girlfriends.
Boyfriends.
Backstabs.
Employer.
Teachers.
Pressure.
Enemies.
Parents.
Friends.
Money.
School.
Work.
You.
Me.
Yet they are all camouflaged with a smile and a laugh,
a giggle and a grin.
But deep down,
their boxes rust from the very tears they shed.
I'm standing here,
with a heavy load in my box,
too.
For me,
it is encrypted with a programme of forgetfulness.
Only after serious hacking,
will i find it.
Is that a programme?
Or is that a mere virus derived from the load itself?
Virus or not, i'm glad i don't feel the same way as them.
To
cry.
sob.
fear.
hurt.
shout.
scream.
destroy.
flashback.
reminisce.
remember.
Like it is a daily routine.
Is that acceptable?
I think
not.
But if all the world feels like them,
wouldn't abnormality,
be the norm?
So,
wouldn't i,
be insane?
Points:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Personally, I thought this was a great piece. It flowed well, and it was very true. I like the "Encrypted with a programme of forgetfulness", and the bit about hacking. Very clever. Keep up the poetry, there were a lot of great metaphores in this piece.
Overall, a lovely piece, darling, but there are a few places I think you could trim a bit and it might make the poem tighter, a little more sleek and compact.
This one doesn't really add much to the metaphor--I think you could do without it.
The last three "stanzas" are really the ones I had the most trouble with.
Two things: "acceptable" seems a very wishy-washy kind of word here, especially since shortly afterward you use a very strong word, "insane." Also, I don't think "not" needs to have its own line--mostly you've done great with the formatting, but this time giving that one word its own line was a little too jarring to make it worthwhile.
I really think you can manage a better ending than this. The one part I think you should keep is "wouldn't abnormality be the norm?" but the rest of it seems to hang over that particular sentiment like wet paper, dampening it down. When you say "if all the world feels like them" I ask "Who's them?" besides noticing that it's grammatically incorrect (ditto an earlier line: "i'm glad I don't feel the same way as them"--should be "as they do"). Perhaps if you said something closer to "if all the world feels that way" or "feels like that" or such. Also, "So, wouldn't i, be insane?'--you don't need the commas, they make it jerky and break the reader out of the flow. Also, it doesn't actually follow the previous statement: how would it make you insane if abnormality was normality? Or, if it did make you insane, wouldn't that mean that everyone was insane, in which case you're insanity would be noting particularly special? Just a thought.
As I said, though, overall a very good poem. Keep writing!
Edit: Also, I've just now noticed that you're a new member and haven't reviewed anyone else's work yet. We like to ask people to review at least two other pieces before they post their own--it helps introduce you to some of the other writers on here as well as their work, and when you review other people's stuff it makes them want to review yours! If you're stuck for something to review, feel free to take a gander at my own portfolio on my profile. Welcome to YWS, and please PM me if you have any questions.