Little Heart

Hi, Lizzifer!


Flutter Flutter Little heart why are the first three words capitalized? I think it is okay to have the flutters capitalized, but I don't think there is any purpose in having little capitalized. Also, I think you need a comma after the second flutter. It was a catchy first line, and I'm a person who really likes it when people use words over again like this

You cause waves in my mind

And makes my soul part change "makes" to "make". You wouldn't say "you makes my soul part".

You weave and grind

You are going to be the end of me I think the flow of the poem would be better if you changed "you are" to "you're". Also, I was wondering if these five lines should be a separate stanza from the next five?

Sometimes you fly

Sometimes you fall

Dust yourself off; you may try

And leap at hope

Then you may suddenly reduce to a mope I'm not too fond of this line...it's too long. Can you try rephrasing it?



Then with out manner without is one word

You blame your host

Who has tried her most

To keep you together [/b] I love this stanza! Flowing, simple, easy to read. Perfect! [/b]



You whisper to the brain I think there should be a comma at the end of this line, because you're going into something that the heart is whispering.

Who tries to keep your waves tame?

I do you little devil Comma after "I do".

I am your own personal maim

…and game The last four lines confused me profusely. Keeping waves tame, devil, what is a personal maim? This was very confusing. Don't put words in simply because they rhyme.

The rhyming scheme changed throughout the whole poem: try to keep it consistent. For example, in the first five lines of the stanza, you're rhyming pattern is ABABC. In the second five lines of the first stanza, it is ABACC. Then, in the last stanza, it's AABAA. I don't see a problem with rhyming, but poems that DO rhyme should be structured, otherwise the reader keeps going back to try and read the poem differently to correct the rhythm so that words intended to rhyme actually go together.

I have a sort of problem with the heart calling the brain a devil...I mean, this is a heart talking after all, right? It just doesn't seem right and changes my whole light, airy perspective of this poem.

I really love that four line stanza though! Good job.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-Cassie

Hey lizzifer! Kat's here for a review!

First off, this is really nice. the concept and how the idea is displayed are in some way original.
Now on to the real review!

Flutter Flutter Little heart,
You cause waves in my mind,
and makes my soul part. [I think you mean make]
You weave and grind,
You are going to be the end of me. [I think it would sound better like: You'll be the end of me]
Sometimes you fly,
Sometimes you fall.
Dust yourself off; you may try
and leap at hope,
Then you may suddenly reduce to a mope.

Then with out manner, [it's spelled without]
You blame your host;
Who has tried her most,
To keep you together .

You whisper to the brain,
who tries to keep your waves tame?
I do you little devil,
I am your own personal maim,
[s]…[/s]and game

There was some good stuff in here, but it was obscured by the attempt at a rhyme scheme. Basically, I advise against rhyming about 99% of the time because it's so much more than rhyming "cat" with "hat." It's about creating a rhythm, a meter, a flow: stuff this poem doesn't have to go with the rhyming. When you go free verse, there's so much more room to choose the better words and create a flow that actually works with the piece.

Secondly, the poem needs some punctuation. As a reader, I am a bit lost as to what idea goes with what, where one part ends and another begins. A well-punctuated poem takes that confusion away from the reader, allowing them to focus on the words and images. Punctuate this the way you would in prose.

Thirdly, I agree with MR that "I am your own personal maim...and game" makes no sense. Just go with "game". I'm not really sure where the maiming comes in.

I know I've been harsh, but I think there's some good stuff in here if you flesh it out and clean it up. I really liked these two lines:

Dust yourself off; you may try

And leap at hope

I... Don't know what to say about this poem. The inconsistent rhythm is either purposefully disquieting or obviously imperfect, and the rhyme scheme seems utterly arbitrary. It's hard to even tell what form of poetry this is, frankly, but I will assume it's free verse because of the uneven stanzas.

Alrighty then.

I have quite a few nitpicks. Sorry in advance. I'll be reviewing line by line, so...

1st line: Why are flutter and little capitalized and heart not?
3rd line: Your souls parts? Like, in half? Or departs?
4th line: Weave is capitalized?
5th line: I suppose it makes sense, but this feels like a forced rhyme. Normally I'd think it would be "You are going to be the end of me." My mind automatically thinks that, so the "mine" seems artificial.
7th line: A run-on sentence? Try a semi-colon. "Dust yourself off; you may try"
8th line: Maybe you should move the last phrase from seven to here for a more even rhythm.
9th line: This line is a bit awkward sounding. Not only is it randomly long, it also seems a bit like a forced rhyme.
10th line: "Without"
Second Stanza: A sudden quatrain! It's nifty, but not subtle.
15th line: Wait, are you interrupting with a question? I thought you were continuing the sentence from line 14.
16th line: "I do, you little devil"
17th line: Maim is a noun?
18th line: Okay then, an afterthought rhyme. Why don't you just replace "maim" with "game" and kill this line?

Okay, in summary, I think you have the subject matter down pat, but your technical skills are a bit short. I love the metaphors and the imagery. Good start.