Salutations, lizzie!
You have my sympathy for the trouble regarding your account; I hope the matter will be resolved soon, but if not, that it at least becomes less inconvenient. Have you asked the admins for help? I'll post on your wall with some advice after the review.
Linguistic Commentary
1. I agree with Luke that the comma splice errors are disruptive. Neither of us found it difficult to interpret your writing, but I personally feel that it alters the pace and creates the impression that I'm rushing through the text. Not only will proper formatting and punctuation make your short story seem more refined, but adding semi-colons or em dashes would provide some much needed variety.
2. You treat the dialogue tags as if they were separate from the dialogue itself. Descriptions of the dialogue or characters are formatted as regular sentences, but phrases like "he/she said/asked" – as in, "‘Yes.’ Lena replied, steadying her tone." – shouldn't be capitalised, and full stops in those instances should be commas instead.
3. "omnipotant" is spelled "omnipotent"
4. You contradicted yourself in the paragraph where Azarel reflects on Lena's lateness of arrival. Avoid using absolutes like "never" if there are frequent exceptions, since Azarel knows to anticipate worse-than-usual conditions. This is also technically a literary note, but I find it unrealistic that Lena would be punctual even while drunk. Although, the idea of her being punctual for anything seems out of character in itself.
5. The section break asterisk bothers me. The final paragraph isn't separate from the section before it, so why was it singled out? Even if it was to indicate the perspective jumping back to Azarel, it means you would have jumped from his point of view to, say, Naomi's without having used a section break in the first place. As it stands, the entire short story is told from Azarel's perspective, so there is no reason at all for the asterisk's usage.
Literary Commentary
1. Your style contrasts the theme of abuse, and not in a complementary way. It strikes me as too casual for something so serious. An example would be Azarel wondering if it's even possible for words to ring in his head; this is a somewhat dry observation, which sets a mood contrary to the one that would ideally have suited such a short story. In addition, this would be a question the narrator might ask himself, but since the character isn't aware of the story being told about him, he shouldn't be able to comment on it.
2. As a continuation of the previous point, your reasoning for Azarel to use the capitalised "Him" pronoun for his wife's extra-marital lover, though interesting, makes little sense. He uses this particular spelling his thoughts, yet I haven't encountered anyone who perceives their thoughts as visual sentences constructed in their mind. Realistically, the narrator could employ such a device, but not the character himself.
3. The theme is sombre right from the start, but the reader isn't given a reason to feel attached to the characters, so our response will be limited at best. Furthermore, the climax was sloppily executed, so it lacks the impact you would want such a twist to have. It also seemed random, which made the matter more confusing than shocking.
4. Azarel's resolve to punish his wife for hitting their child is entirely out of character. You hinted once that he might react adversely to his daughter suffering abuse, but mostly, you presented him as a man of faith. Having him throw the bible into the fire when he was previously such an ardent believer is therefore not only an unfounded action, but also dramatic beyond what the reader would presume to be his capacity (considering how timid and submissive he appears). It would have been more believable had he tried to cling to his religion, but increasingly found himself doubting in God; then, His apparent abandonment of the family when Lena hits Naomi would have been an appropriate final straw.
5. This story would benefit from having its setting defined more thoroughly. I recently republished a short story in which I received criticism for not doing this, so I understand how, as an author, you are aware of the details and forget the reader isn't. The mention of the fireplace at the very end of the story is surprising for that reason – there was no reference to it at all leading up to that point.
6. I realise Azarel, Lena, and Naomi are all Hebrew names, but Azarel's name stands out. If the intention was to liken him to the Azrael, the Archangel of Death, then I would recommend characterising him in a way that would support that association. Otherwise, it feels like you picked the name because it sounded cool, or some other arbitrary reason.
7. I wasn't going to mention at first because I thought it glaringly obvious, but this short story lacks imagery. I'm all for a simplistic yet elegant style, but this was simply bland and even a little emotionless.
I can't honestly say there was much I liked about this. It certainly has the potential to be something better, but it's too short, drab, and poorly presented to be particularly interesting. Having said that, if you ever feel the urge to revise and republish this, feel free to tag me, and I'll have a look.
Good luck with your writing, as well as your account issues!
~ Hunter
Points: 17344
Reviews: 293
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