Feeling so right,
Wishing for more.
The heat of the moment,
Butterflies before.
Thinking back later,
Not regretting a thing.
But getting sideways glances.
It wasn't just a fling.
Wanting to take it all back,
But knowing that nothing was wrong
Because it felt so right.
You were completely ready,
Or at least so you thought.
But now it is over,
And you can never get it back.
That magical innocence,
You never knew to respect,
You never thought you would miss
You never should have given away.
Wanting to take it all back,
But knowing that nothing was wrong
Because it felt so right.
It should have left already
You wanted it gone.
Never thought that it mattered.
Dreaming of sitting with your ghost of another on the lawn.
How were you supposed to know?
The part that no one mentioned
The guilt that followed.
A subject with such tension.
Wanting to take it all back,
But knowing that nothing was wrong
Because it felt so right.
Thinking "What's wrong with me?"
While the dirt picks the skin off your feet.
The people surrounding you
Giving off such heat.
Pretending it's nothing.
As if you don't care.
But silently waiting,
With the growing weight you must bare.
Never even realized
The butterfly on your back
Had daintifully poisonous wings.
Slowly biting in,
Deeper
And deeper
Yet making you so happy
That it didn't matter.
Then,
Just as your body, begins to fail.
You will see, you will learn,
And shake the butterfly away.
So that you may watch it fly
While you make the journey through the wonders, of the abyss of life.
Hey there Live1out2loud7!
I like this poem but I think there might be a few confusing lines so I will just tell them now. Firstly you did a lot of rhymes but you didn't put any rhymes in for 3 lines, secondly I thought it would suit a song because it doesn't have to many rhymes and it doesn't have to less rhymes and for the final one it was that I was a bit confused in the middle other than that I loved your poem.
Hi there!
I want to like this poem a lot more than I do. I think you sacrificed quality for rhyming. The rhythm isn't consistent, and you drop us into the middle of a story with little explanation. Who are these people? Why should I care about what they're doing or feeling? The job of the writer is to make the reader care so much, they'll buy the book.
Now, you can get away with not telling us about the characters if you make us feel what they're feeling, if you can draw us into the story that way--but that's hard to do. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of time. That's really the only way you can get better. Write more. Read more. Read about writing, write about reading. Write about books. I'm getting off-topic, but what I'm saying is this:
I don't like this poem. I don't think it's very good. And I think it's because you're in the beginning stages. Now, you may have been writing for years, I don't know. But everyone matures at their own pace, and that goes for writing also.
You'll get better. You can make this poem into something great. But right now, I don't think it is.
....D: I feel like such a bad guy. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Wow, Thank you so much for the comment. I disagree with most of your points, I'm not saying this is an amazing poem. I know it can use a lot of work, and that is the point of this website, to make us all better writers. Anyways, I think negative feedback is an important thing for every writer to know how to deal with. So thank you for taking the time to read and review my poem, and I will revise my poem again and consider all of your comments.
i rilly like it.
but i'm not good at poatry so hehe.
so aweosme..
rilly like'd it i meen i rilly did!