Published April 10, 2012
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
liveoutloud,
I'd also love to see some figurative language and scenes. That's not to say that this poem calls for it, but for future reference - if you want to try your hand at a poem like that, call me pronto, cause I'll love to read it.
xD That ending actually made me laugh - that was really funny! I think there's a charm to this, the tone evokes a bored but carefree attitude, which I'm liking. I think the lightness/carefree aspect of this comes from the rhyme actually- so I'm not sure whether or not that was intentional. I'll be honest with you though, I'm not a fan of the repetition in this.
Sometimes repeated stanzas work in poetry, and brings out a real lyrical aspect to the poem. I guess I have mixed feelings, because in some ways I get this laadeedee, laadoodoo rhythm which works WONDERFULLY with what you're trying to convey, but at the same time, it undermines what you're trying to say. Here you've got this set-up of a bored or lost person dealing with a really common but underrated problem: what to do? And then at the end it's just kind of anticlimatic and made the whole thing meaningless xD But! at the same time, that's life!
One thing I can suggest to you, rhyming is a bit forced/too easy. Especially nearing the end where you've got touchy feely/really, and the chimchimerie thing. I would love to say how you do in free-verse where you're not constrained to rhyme
I hope this review helps some. Let me know if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
I would love to see*
See you around!
Darn typos.
Thanks a lot! I really appreciate the review and it does help. Honestly, when I was writing this poem it was really late at night and I was just bored so it probably wasn't my best work, but thank you for the great suggestions!
Ha ha! Wow I thinly that's what you really were doing!
This is a great feel-good, humorous, and relatable poem! I liked the verse that repeats the title of the poem and how you kept repeating it after the other verses. However, some of the rhyming did not really make sense to me. I guess I would just rearrange the rhythm. Change "not touchy feely" to not touchy or feely". "waiting for me to find excitement" took me a while to understand. But otherwise, keep up the great work!!!