Just because I’m smiling,
Does not mean
tears don’t soak my face.
You see the outer level,
Built up without a trace.
Never thinking to burrow underneath.
And see what lies inside.
Because you can not bare to think
That everything in my life
Is not perfect.
Well here is the truth you did not know,
I’m telling you and the world.
Beneath this outer shell I’ve built
Sits a helpless little girl.
She lies in wait for a better day.
One in which her family knows,
What she wants and how she feels,
Not just what she shows.
Just because I’m smiling,
Does not mean
tears don’t soak my face.
You see the outer level,
Built up without a trace.
Never thinking to burrow underneath.
And see what lies inside.
Because you can not bare to think
That everything in my life
Is not perfect.
The girl inside, cries for help,
But no one hears her screams
For every time she hollers out
The outer shell just laughs.
The flawless wall just shakes it off
With a mind that is it’s own.
For this outer layer,
Built over the years,
Is no longer connected
With the little girl inside’s tears.
The girl inside screams
and the outer wall smiles
The little girl gives up her fight
and smiles with the rest of the world
GOOD AFTERNOON! Here to review your lyrical work for this fine review day! I'm not a poet by any means so I can't really help with the technical side of things. However, I thought I would just come along and let you know my opinions on the content.
Here Goes!
Immediately, I am drawn to the lines,
"You see the outer level,
Built up without a trace.
Never thinking to burrow underneath." - I love this. It makes me thing of the song by Labyrinth - Beneath your Beautiful.
I'd be really interested to hear a sample of the music you think would go well with this! I've never attempted to write anything lyrical before. Maybe I should try!
Good luck and I look forward to reading some more of your work.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hiiii, Live!
It made me happy, and it the flow was also very good. I liked it a lot! Nice word choice as well.
There were some linebreaks that through me off as I read this, but I'm going to ignore those for now 'cause in the end, you know better how it goes with the music and can catch that. But! I must say that I loved your refrain.
This felt weird to me. It didn't flow like the other verse did. Maybe it's the bridge? Clarification would help in that regard. But since I see it as a verse, the flow doesn't line up with the previous verse(s). Mainly the "laugh" line. It didn't fit with the slant rhyme scheme that has been used through the whole thing.
The last line doesn't make grammatical sense. xD So I'd take a look at that. But I do like how this stanza ties the rest of the song together. Well done!
I also like how this ended. A lot.
I think this song portrayed its message very well. Just a matter of cleaning things up to make more sense and to make listening easier. (This latter point also depends on music though, so keep that in mind.)
From a critical standpoint, one may say this is cliche. I, however, think this also has potential. I think it gives the wall personification that I'm not used to seeing. So with that said, I think working with that some more to make it even its own character or using some more metaphors to anticipate that would be effective. Describe the battle that girl faces a lot. For instance, that second verse I pointed out earlier? The point behind that is slightly different from the verse(s) before it. I might suggest mentioning or foreshadowing the wall earlier in the piece, or at least something personified that's holding her down.
I do love how this is started though. And I think this song has awesome potential. Seriously, just some tweaking! It's on its way to awesome.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!