Her mom, who was standing beside her the whole time, interrupted us. "Excuse me, but I need to check us in. So if you could move out of the way, that would be great."
I thought to myself how she seemed like an angry person before moving aside to let them check in. I sat down on one of the couches in the lobby to relax before going to get my bags out of my car. My eyes wandered over to the girl and her mom. Her mom was checking in, while the girl was standing, leaning on the counter, looking tired and bored. Her eyes met mine and we locked there for a few seconds, then she smiled. To which I smiled in return and she turned back to ask her mom something. Before I knew it, she had walked over and sat next to me on the couch.
"Hey Andy, my name's Catherine. It's great to meet you," I froze for a moment from the shock of hearing her wonderful voice for the first time. I noticed she was holding out her hand, so I grasped it and we shook hands.
"Hi," I managed to say. This was odd, how I got so nervous and jittery from a girl. One I hardly knew, and one who's about sixteen and a half years younger than me. But this felt different; this felt serious. Is it so wrong to feel this way right now? With her?
"What brings you here?" Catherine chimed.
"Oh, it's my birthday Saturday, which is tomorrow, so my friends and I are just here to celebrate. And you're here because?"
"I'm here for a big swim meet tomorrow and Sunday." Then, we made casual small talk about ourselves and this weekend. I found out she's staying in room 312. This'll work out perfectly, I thought to myself. I'm also her celebrity crush.
A few minutes into getting to know each other, her mom called for her - she'd checked them in. I gave Catherine my cellphone number - cautiously, though. I warned her not to give it out to anyone, being famous and all; I wouldn't want my number to get to people that might contact me constantly in a stalker-like fashion. We said, "See you later!" and off she went with her mom to retrieve their stuff from their car. As they exited the building, Jorma and Akiva waltzed in with their bags. Catherine stopped for a moment, again starstruck, and she introduced herself before heading outside to her mom's car.
"Dude," Jorma said to me as they walked over to me. "Who's the hot chick?"
"Aren't you married, Jorm?" Akiva joked.
"Yeah, so? Just kidding, I love Marielle."
I left the two guys alone to talk while I went out to get my suitcase and laptop bag. Catherine came back in with her mom then. Catherine came back in with her mom then, and smiled at me before we both continued on.
After getting my bags and parking my car, I met the guys at our room. I gave them each a room key before using my own to open up our basic suite, with a bedroom, sitting room, and bathroom, all separated by doors.
About halfway through a Dane Cook special we'd found on Comedy Central on the TV, someone knocked outside our door. "Now who could that be?" I wondered as I got up from the couch to open the door...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi! I'm new and this is my first review. I've never been a good reviewer so I'm sorry if what I have to say offends you.
You wrote that twice. I don't know if it was intentional or accidental but...
That's all I have,
Lissi
You need to capitalize excuse. Then after in, I would use a period instead of a comma. It's two different ideas.
You seriously used way to many commas right here. Try rewording it like this: 'Her eyes met mine and we locked there for a few seconds, then she smiled. To which I smiled in return and she turned back to ask her mom something.' See less commas (:
Capitalize froze. School is spelled wrong. Oh! Capitalize I.
Instead of using a number, try the actual word.
Lose the what. It'll sound more like this: "I warned her not to give it out to anyone, being famous and all." See better.
After me there should be a period not a comma. Then capitilize Who's.
What's with the parentheses? It's really not needed. Also, reword it somewhat like this: Catherine came back in with her mom then, and smiled at me before we both continued on.
*
Overall, I really think this is starting out to be a good story. It kept me wondering, whose this guy? Throughout the piece.