I think it’s overwhelming how much you can try to change yourself, but you end up being just as you always were, in the end. You can scratch off the dead skin from the bark, you can change the way the leaves are aligned, you can even cut off entire branches from the tree, but in the end, the roots always remain the same, don’t they? You try to uproot the entire tree and its existence ceases. I tried revamp myself; he left me but now It’s the new me and he’s going to regret losing me and all of that post break up routine, I cut my hair a different way, I started painting my nails red, I applied makeup on regular days, my camera roll was now getting flooded with my selfies instead of quotes and poetry, my instagram captions looked a lot like I had turned from someone who dwells a lot on everything to someone who doesn’t give a damn about anything. I had successfully changed, right?
Wrong. I had buried myself, I had buried what I thought seemed unattractive to all those who left and I started believing in pleasing others to validate my happiness. My journal was still filled with pages of despair; still asking for a warm hand, still had paragraphs about how I feel lonely even with all my friends with me. I was just the same, what had changed was that I had now started to lose touch with my integrity. I am not the most perfect of beings, hell I am not even close, yes I enjoy pretending to be, but I am not, I make weird choices and for the past few months I had made plenty of right choices(along with a fair share of wrong ones) according to the norm, doing things that are uplifting for my self confidence and indulging in things that are supposed to make me feel so good about myself, what I didn’t understand was that if I was doing everything so right, why was I feeling like I had lost myself somewhere? Why did everything feel so wrong? The answer yet remains a huge puzzle which I need to put the pieces in the right places to figure out, but as far as the picture makes sense to me, I was never the person who indulged in the apparent uplifting activities that the society and a lot of people believed to be the cure of and the ideal way to lead a life. I am more of a self destructing, loving, needy, tiny ball of love that demands attention almost every second minute that passes, it’s not ideal, but it’s me, I love people who might never love me back, I give myself to those who will never look back, I cry over the broken screen of my phone that I myself so carelessly threw flying from my bed, my actions seem contradictory to everyone and pisses the hell out of anyone who cares for me because I do not listen to what is right for me, instead I end up in a huge mess which I somehow always find a way out of and then very proudly exclaim how I have everything under control. I am kind of that way and I am sure it’s silly, but well, that is me. Before I start to change this, if I want to, I am going to have to accept it. So we should, accept ourselves, at least this once, so if you needed a reminder that it’s okay to not be the perfect definition of okay and it’s beautiful to embrace yourself, this is it, do it.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi, love. While I understand your feelings at this point, this really is more of a blog post than something that can be reviewed, so I don't know how to react now. Here's what I'll do--I'll try to give some advice, and if that doesn't work out for you, I'll have a couple of words in the end if you need to hear them.
Change is always difficult, and change done in spite is even worse. I don't think it is true that you can't change something completely--it's easier for some people, but generally speaking change is an inevitable course of action that will always happen. The roots of the tree will rot away and die, and they will be replaced with new ones, however difficult it might be. We might not want to move on from a tragedy, because it's become so much a part of our identity that it's difficult to imagine a life without it. But, whether we like it or not, it will eventually happen. You will forget him, like you've forgotten the scars you might've obtained in your childhood or the pain of your first dental examination. You don't even need to revamp yourself to get to that point. It's a human habit to throw away old memories for new ones.
I love how you've said in the ending that you're trying to validate yourself without another person's validation, it's a great sign of progress. Humans are both social and individual creatures. They need company, but they live just as well without them. I believe, whoever or whatever you are, you'll go a long way with a philosophy like that.
That's all I can say for now. Till next time,
Signing out,
--EM.
How's it going, Litpoetry?
Writer1204 here for a small review!
Damn, that was quite intense to read. I really felt your words and what you said. It all made sense, and you have great skills for interpretation of things and just speeches in general. I find it tedious to head people talking about these topics, but something about the way you said it was absolutely captivating and it got me thinking. (You gotta appreciate those moments.) Overall, I think you did a fantastic job here, and you deserve recognition for it!!
Great job and keep on writing!!
Hope you have a nice day/night.
Sincerely, Writer1204!