Optimism is a virtue I can’t afford to have. At least that’s what I tell everyone. It’s too hard to hope for the best when I will just receive the worst. I was all to familiar with misfortune and wasn’t about to let myself think otherwise.
“Care for a drink, mister?” I realized had stumbled into the local saloon absent-mindedly. The woman who was asking was a hefty blonde carrying a mug of beer. I ignored her and made my way to the bar where the tender poured me a whiskey.
“You don’t look so good Jack.”
“No one does these days.” I replied. I downed the shot glass and the tender quickly poured another.
“Ya, things ain’t been so kind lately. Weather’s been dry, and damn bandits have just about robbed us poor.”
I glanced around at the weary faces. I watched as an argument was starting to break out at the poker table.
One of the players, a large man, stood up and pointed at another man in a green shirt.
“You cheating bastard! No one steals from Gary Hall and leaves alive!”
The argument escalated quickly and the man named Gary grabbed a long knife from it’s holster.
“Hang on now there.” I said and got off my stool. I wasn’t going to let this fool interrupt my drinking.
“Fuck off boy, this don’t concern you.” Gary said as he turned to me. The man in green seen this as an opportunity to flee. Gary cursed again and wielded his long knife towards me. I ducked, but not before the blade had dug into my shoulder. I winced in pain and grabbed my gun. The other players had fled already.
I cocked my pistol and pointed it at him. “Now, this can end two ways. I kill you, or you walk away.”
He wasn’t about to abandon his pride, so I shot him.
Hello.
I'll be blunt and say your opening paragraph turned me off. I liked the first two lines, but then the narrator went off to say things were bad. The very fact he says that as the first thing readers see can put a lot of people off, because we don't know what this situation is. It very easily reads as another narrator who's about to blow every little problem out of proportion.
Now, after reading the whole thing, I know this isn't the case. He does have reason to feel this way. But we don't know that at the very beginning of the work. You're telling us about a situation before we can see it and make up our own minds. When you let us see a situation ourselves, readers don't feel the character is about to blow every bad event out of proportion.
That being said, I found you had this problem repeatedly throughout the piece. Your last line, for example: why is the narrator so sure he wasn't about to abandon his pride? What clues did the guy give off he that let the narrator know he wasn't backing down? Did he give off any clues? Did the narrator senselessly kill?
Your dialogue also reeks of Infodump. The bartender he's talking to should know all of this, but the narrator is saying it anyway. Why? Most likely only for the benefit of the reader. And while dialogue can be a perfect infodumping venue, the effectiveness drops dramatically when it's forced. This, right now, is forced.
We also don't get much of anything about his character. No reflections on the situation, not even a mention of apathy. While this leads to some very minimalistic prose, it also feels sparse for first person. You have the opportunity to give us a perfect window into one character's head, and I'm not sure you're taking it.
Overall, I found this could use some polishing. Show more, cut the forced information that's there for reader connivance (find another way to work that in that doesn't say "the author shoved me in because she had to"), and get us a bit more into your narrator's head.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hey there, lindsay,
I see you're pretty new here, so first up - welcome to YWS!
Now, this chapter. I really like this. I have a bit of a soft spot for gunslingers and saloons, and I like what you've done with them here.
There are a number of things a first chapter should do - introduce the setting, introduce the main character, and hook your reader so they want more. This chapter does all three, so that's a good start. You've shown us Jack, but left us with enough mystery to want to turn the page. It's also well-written - nothing I need pick up on in terms of grammar, and the only spelling mishap is probably a typo ("too familiar").
However, there are a few things I'd like to suggest for improving this.
Firstly, on pacing. Up until Jack downs his shot, this is rolling along at what seems to be a good pace - not so slow I get bored, but not too hurried, either. But after this, things seem to get a little rushed. There's a lot going on here, compared to the first half, but it takes up just the same amount of space. I'd suggest extending the conversation with the tender by a line or two, so that he doesn't seem to be 'info-dumping' in his one line, and I'd also advise dragging the fight scene out longer. In particular, the paragraph staring "Fuck off, boy..." is crammed with action, and could do with a bit of elaboration.
Secondly, on Gary Hall. I'm thinking there are two possibilities for this guy - either he's going to be important later on in the story, or he's not. If he is, that's all cool. But if he's not, then it feels like he's been built up a little much. He's been given a full name - more than the MC - and it's said a lot, making him seem like someone to remember... and then he's shot, and presumably dead. I would say that, if he isn't important later, you might want to consider how important this scene makes him feel.
Beyond that, I have only minor suggestions, for example: "...mister?' / I realised I had" - I would suggest a line break at the / here, to make it clear that the dialogue is not Jack's; "...and leaves alive" I might consider cutting altogether, leaving it at "No one steals from Gary Hall!". These are just personal preferences, and you're welcome to totally ignore them.
All in all, I like the piece. I'd be interested in more of it! Hope to see more from you soon.
If there's anything I've said that you'd like to clarify (or just anything you'd like to ask about the site in general), please feel free to message me, or come find me in the chatroom.
Happy writing,
Cadi x