teenage lust (7 parts)

Hey there lin night. I came across your work in the poetry archives and even though I usually would not review something with this many comment, I have a lot of issues. Issues with the content of the actual poem and also issues with the commentary left on this poem. I know that 2005 in the poetry literary side of young writers society was not the best place, but I was still expecting some actual critique on this piece. Your content is super graphic, triggering and mature, (more later), and yet everyone remarked with "#same".

It is one thing to call the content of your work crude, which they were surely right in saying. But this reaches a point of far past crude when we get to the threat of suicide and also the wish for the speaker's ex partner's death. Especially when they're hoping for it to happen in such a sexually graphic way. I understand that this poem is highly dependent on the dynamics of teenage love and teenage rage. I'm not going to police your content and the approach to the issue, but here's a simple statement from a moderator:
If you want to include content like this, you're going to need all sorts of ratings and content/trigger warnings.

So now with that under the bridge, let's go through this stanza by stanza.

1

You broke my heart
But at least I still have my art
I’ll read movies
I’ll watch books
I’ll live, breathe, and fuck art
You watch me
I’ll be a big name
Big cock
Jizz all over the magazine page
You don’t understand me
You go fuck him
I’ll watch Contempt
And feel contempt
Maybe I’ll hang myself
Choke on my spit

Aside from how much the content bothered me, I am super put off by the formatting for this section. In every other part you seem to do pretty good with stanzas but then everything here is just thrown together in a random mixture. I'm having a hard time making any sense out of this poem (in general) so when it's just pushed together, this is really messing up the information on the reader's side.

When it comes to the content, you put way too much into the rage of the situation rather than thinking about what your audience wanted to read. Somehow all of these people found themselves relating to your narrator's opinions about their past relationship, but I certainly do not. While it is always good to have a high readable amount of emotion on the reader's side, you just overshot so much with this crap and I barely made it through the dang thing.

The mix of sexual wording and then the threat of suicide don't really match in this section. And they don't match in the rest of the poem either.

2

I talked to you
I held you
I kissed you
I slept with you

Girls do what girls will
Girls do who girls will

You’re a fucking whore

One of the ongoing vibes in this poem is how you want us to feel some sympathy for the narrator. You are telling the reader that none of this is all their fault and you're putting everything on his partner, who is generally being called a "whore". I assume that the lady in question is being called a whore for her sexual habits and how she ended a relationship with the narrator, while seeking something with their friend. That is generally what teenagers mean when they're trying to call someone a slur like this.

By the way, I feel absolutely nothing for this narrator and none of your justifications so far have brought that feeling up for me.

The senseless wording is back once again and I'm getting pretty tired of that crap.

3

Give me one reason
I shouldn’t take this knife
And run it across my throat
No?
Okay.

This part means that we're back to the threat of suicide and the narrator is depending on their ex for a response. I still feel nothing for the commentary but if we're talking formatting over content, I also have some issues. If you want to roll with this half side of a conversation, it's definitely going to need some restructuring, mainly splitting this part up. You might not want to do that portion of editing because the part is already so short. I however think that the different sections will need split up to get a full point across to the reader.

It might just be me but I don't understand why he (assumed) keeps threatening suicide.

4

If life’s all about having fun, fun, fun
What the fuck do I need a heart for?

Even though I don't like any of the content, this is the one stanza that didn't mess up and actually chose good wording. An overreaching issue within your poem is the wording, where it could have easily been more careful and you obviously chose not to be in that mood. I am a big fan of just scrapping this entire poem and starting over, considering it has so many extending issues that can't be fixed through simple editing.

I saw down in the comments that you said it's the progression of dealing with a break up, which does give more context. Still doesn't excuse all of the crap that you're pulling with this but I can see the motions. If you want to focus more on the thought process, i don't think that this piece needs to be so involved with being so vulgar and mature. You can get those important thoughts across without doing all of that and you certainly have it done with all of the emotional output.

5

You once said
If I can’t win
Then everybody has to lose

That’s what happened
There’s nothing to say
I’ll get over it or
I won’t

You’ve got a beautiful lip
Teeth like a rabbit’s
Makes me want to do
Mean things

You can leave
I won’t mind
But if you do
Please don’t
Change your mind

He was my friend too

There's some of the formatting issues continuing here, as well as the ongoing content issues. I'm mainly bothered by the major, major shift in the narrator's mood towards their ex partner. I know that there is the aspect of changing how they're looking at the situation but they've gone to threatening suicide to this way middle ground. This was probably meant to be like a half apology for the way the narrator was reacting before. For me, all it does is take away any credibility from this speaker who just keeps changing the story about how they feel.

Progression of feelings is one thing.
Empty bluff threats is a whole other issue.

6

Tonight
I saw
My best friend
Walk beside you
Hand in hand
Side by side
I imagined you naked
His arms around you
Close and warm and forever

Teenagers don’t know
What it is
To be in love
They jerk and they finger
They suck and they fuck
They get off
And call it love

I wish the best for you
I really do

I hope you gag on his cum

An overall issue in your work is such an obsession with making all of these bold and vulgar statements. The second section and the ending line are no different from the rest of what you've presented to me. These words are just being thrown about without an actual reasoning, other than for the narrator to be mad at themselves and at their ex. I think they're trying to go for justifying their lack of love with saying that love doesn't exist at all.

The last line just isn't needed, bud.

Find some damn class.

The last part just deals in being snarky and I think I already covered why this is a bad idea. You still want me to feel so bad for the narrator but there's still no reason to give that sliver of pity I might be able to hold for something.

If you really wanted to make this poem a relatable progression, maybe think about the real world for more than a minute.

Good luck with your next draft.
- Lizz