Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...so that's yet another depressing story although this one doesn't really feel like a story. I feel like it just lacks any actual plot. Its just sounds like a glorified character introduction and a bit of a random monologue of sorts and it doesn't be leading anywhere at all so that's a little confusing to see.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The sun is bright and blaring in my ears. I’m feeling fine. I’m feeling like I’ve never been more depressed in my life. I flick the switchblade and cut a piece of bark from the tree. The exertion is more than I can take. I puff my cigarette once and spit it onto the dead grass, watching it barely burn and fade into the damp air.
Okay a slight bit of description there to start things off and it seems to be a decent start. Its not the catchiest to see a dude just saying that he's depressed but it definitely does peak the interest a little so that's definitely a plus for this one.
My best friend Sarah jumped from a rooftop alone. She had a needle in her arm. Her parents said she was better off dead. They didn’t have a corpse to bury.
OUCH.
Jenny says what is that. I say it’s bark from a tree and she says oh. I crush it between my fingers and watch the pieces fall. Jenny is not my friend. I met her a truck stop in Jersey. She gave sloppy head to dirty truckers. I told her she could come with us and she cried and slept in the van.
Okay not sure how that transition happens. This got slightly confusing here. Not the clearest of character introductions that you have here. It would probably help to establish where every person is before randomly mentioning them.
We’re in a forest and Christopher is stoned out of his mind. His eyes are rolling in the back of his head and he’s shaking. He’s shaking and I know he’s somewhere peaceful. Even if he dies, I know he’ll be somewhere peaceful. I don’t believe in Hell or Heaven. When we die, we go to a place in our brains where everything is fine and nothing can hurt us.
And we have yet another character introduction. Not the clearest once more. The setting has to be established better before we start talking about a character.
…It’s been three hours. Christopher is lying on the floor with a red bandanna over his mouth. He doesn't look as if he is registering anything around him. Jenny is trying to sleep but I know she’s more fucked up than Christopher is. She just doesn’t show it. Saliva is dripping from her mouth and I think about what her childhood was like. Her parents probably beat her. Somewhere down the line, her father must have molested her..
Sudden transition is sudden. But that does like a horrifying backstory. Although I'm not too sure what all of this is meant to eventually convey to us.
I feel sorry for us. I can’t concentrate long enough to remember what happened, what brought us to this point, but it makes me feel like there’s a hole in my heart that won’t heal no matter what I do.
Maybe nothing happened.
Well that's an interesting choice of ending to say the least. It doesn't seem to be doing too much at all but it does sort of convey something if that makes sense.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was pretty well written in terms of the language used although the flow doesn't quite work. Its a little out of the blue and there some really messy transitions in some parts so think about that a little. And that's about all I have to say on this piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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