Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that was a very scary little monologue to read. You've mentioned some pretty disturbing thoughts especially in the first few parts of it. It seems like you are writing someone who is either mentally unstable or is very nearly there and you do it very well. The only issue I have would be the fact that you're ending does not do a very good job at tying this up. It just feels like a detour and not at all like an ending to what came before it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I love you. I love you. I love you all the time. In my dreams, you’re with me. In my dreams… You’re with me forever, forever, forever, and it melts away. Your dead body. Your dead body, it melts away.
That's an interesting passage to start things off with. Definitely does get a reader's attention though so good job there.
It’s in the past, but the gist of it is we didn’t get along much. I was happier, then. She always wanted more. More. More. I told her I couldn’t give that to her. She didn’t understand. She called me a liar. She said why don’t you do this. I told her I can’t live on anybody else’s terms but my own. She said I’d rather die than be with you another second. I never saw her again.
Well that sounds like a disastrous relationship that's for sure...let's see what it all means now shall we?
I smoked a joint at six. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought about committing suicide. If I used pills, what pills would I use. If I jumped off a building, what building would I jump off. If I cut my throat… I couldn’t cut my throat. I couldn’t cut my throat because I’m scared it would hurt. I’m scared what it would look like all the blood. I’m scared that my parents would never talk to me again. Margaret, and Margaret, she would surely judge me.
Oooh now that takes this whole thing to a very dark place all of a sudden. A bit unexpected there and you can definitely tell that something is very wrong here now.
Soo that was quite the paragraph right there. A nice little monologue from him tying up the various problems that people do face these days. Interesting to see how the earlier parts end up connecting to this part.
But she looks fine, Garrett’s girlfriend, and I think about tying her up in my kitchen and making her watch me cut slices of meat on the cutting board. Red meat, mostly, maybe some level of mold and decay present. How can you make somebody watch something? I’d probably tape her eyelids open. (But then her eyes might dry out.) I don’t care about that. Let them dry out, and after they’ve dried out, I’ll take them out with my bare fingers and fry them in a saucepan with some, with some chili sauce! I won’t eat them. It'll just be a waste.
Hypothetically, the garbage man sifts through my garbage and finds the eyeballs and calls the police and they come to my door, but what’s this? I’m already dead. I hung myself from a ceiling rafter! They cry, they’re so upset, and her corpse, get this, her corpse is rotting in the kitchen the whole time! They see me and they’re crying and the whole time the real tragedy is in the kitchen!
At this point you can tell that our protagonist has definitely suffered some serious mental issues or is at least severely inebriated. You do a great job showing that there and presenting how his mind has now been twisted.
I go to a movie and smoke a joint before. This is my last joint, so from this point on there will be no more pointless references to marijuana and the consumption of marijuana. But this is also the last paragraph, so…? The movie, anyway, is about people that kill other people for fun. It’s really funny and easy to understand and everybody in the audience claps and laughs and cheers when there’s blood onscreen. I think I recognize a few star cameos. But I’m also pretty stoned so maybe not. When the movie’s over, I see a girl standing by herself next to the snack counter. I decide – and this is the first real decision I’ve made in my entire life – to talk to her. She’s hesitant at first but gets more relaxed and I find out her name’s Margaret. I tell her I used to know someone named Margaret, but I don’t know her anymore because she made me feel sad. Margaret (the new one) half smiles and asks if I liked the movie. I tell her it was good but the book was so much better, have you read the book, it’s really so much more detailed and thematically rich. She says she hasn’t but plans on going to the bookstore right now to get it, and, well, would I like to come? I tell her no.
Okayy...considering the direction that the story seemed to be headed judging by the start this feels like a pretty abrupt 180 situation that you've got right here and that makes for a pretty confusing end that doesn't seem to be doing anything at all to wrap up this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall its a pretty neat little story. It was definitely an interesting read and you've done a great job capturing the emotions and desires of this person dark as they are. The ending is the one thing that made this piece a little off to me but that might just be me.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 257336
Reviews: 4115
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