A.N: Wrote this up just this morning and I'm ashamed to say it has a good hold on what I woke up to this morning. Also, its been a long time sense I've posted anything, so please be nice. Thank you.
**3 beers = Drunk
**He tried to have sex
**I’m still too young.
**He said I wasn’t sorry – but I am
**I love Daniel
**Very drunk at 3 beers
**Shouldn’t Drink
**He’s too young, just a little boy.
**I love him, but not the way he loves me.
**I am sorry.
**Have to call Daniel.
**Need to get my glasses.
I didn’t need the note to remind me of what had happened last night, but it was evidence enough - thought hard to read - to prove that I didn’t want what he had wanted of me.
Everything was fuzzy, but not so much so that I could shake the feel of his fingers reaching up my shirt or the way he would jerk quickly on my pants, trying to make them fall. And more then everything else, I remember how all those smothered, long-forgotten feelings resurfaced last night.
I had loved him once, had craved his touch – admired it really – until I had it. It was strong and protective because I knew that with him holding onto me, I would never be dropped. But at the same time, it was too aggressive, too heated, too much for me. I was too young, and am in fact, still too young.
But last night, I know it wasn’t about how much he loved me – which I’m almost certain has become very little in the last couple of months – but rather about wanting sex and revenge. Through my body is my only vulnerability and he knows that; and he takes advantage of that.
And last night, my body was vulnerable, because I’m a lightweight when I drink. Three beers are enough to keep me about as helpless as a newborn for a few hours, enough to ruin myself.
It wasn’t supposed to be just the two of us at first. No, the plan had been made for three: Vance, him, and I. But when Vance had baled on us, I was without a guardrail to hold the boundary between him and I. And I shouldn’t have gone without Vance. But the need for company was more then I could bear so I had gone.
And now I regret my decisions. Yes, I had been sober enough to say no. I had said it more times then I could count or recall but I remember saying it. Because I’ve moved on; he and I will never have another chance. I only hope that Daniel, my future, my real love, will forgive me.
I ripped the page from my notebook and fold it up tight, slipping into snuggly into my bra next to my heart to be certain that I wouldn’t forget. I rolled over in bed, grabbed the phone and dialed those seven little digits that have been imprinted into my heart and my head forever.
His voice mail picked up, and no wonder seeing as its only four in the morning, but I clear my throat and speak, “Hey babe, I just wanted to call and tell you how much I love you. And that, no matter what he tells you, I said no. I said no for you.” And I snapped the phone shut, curled into a ball and went back to sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hmmm, I don't really know what I think of this, to be honest. I mean, some parts were really good, like the ending. Very powerful. But at the same time, I felt like some parts were written as a cliche. Maybe spice it up. I know you said this was based off of personal experience but I guess you can give it a little extra even if it's based off of that, you know?
Otherwise, I think its a solid piece. I just feel like you can make it even better by tweaking it and adding more thoughts and more of what happened, ect. I don't really know who Daniel is so I can't feel much for him. I feel like he was kinda thrown in at the end as an after-thought. So just think it through a bit and I think you'll greatly improve this.
I wish you the best of luck
This is excellent. I've read some of your other pieces, and I must say...you are very good!
One comment though: the note. I was kind of confused when I began reading it. I didn't
realize it was a note until the very end. Perhaps you could alter it a little, maybe (instead
of using asterisks) you could just state them as simple sentences. I don't know, maybe
something like that. Overall, I think this is extremely well written. Good job!
I really enjoyed this, but I have to say I was a little confused. Half the time it felt like you were talking about Daniel and half the time it felt like you were talking about Vance, but then it seemed like you intended to be talking about only one of them
Here it seemed like it was Daniel who tried to take advantage of her.
But this makes me think that she's talking about Vance trying to take advantage and telling him no because she loves Daniel.
The best advice I can give you is to use more definition when talking about your characters. Like using names or if one character has a defining characterist (eye/hair/skin color) use it to tell your readers who you're talking about because saying he, him, he, him, when there are to he's, gets really confusing.
A very good piece. I like the truth in it, the way you kept it true and simple (although a little confusing at times.) I'm so glad you began the way you did. It took me a while to understand it, but after reading the story, I did. It's almost like a whole separate poem to go along with the story. It says everything that happens in the page, and it adds more of a poetic type of rhythm. I would get rid of the little stars though, it seems they confuse readers. Great job
Hey!!
Well, I really like this. It's down to earth, and someting that could happen. It has a little poetic touch to it too. Well, I couldn't find much wrong with it, actuly I couldn't find anything wrong with it!!
That's about it! I liked and hope to see more of your work somewhere!!
-bunnie!
Overall, I really liked this short story. It really kept me hooked until the end. So well done! Although, I don't think the PG rating suited this very well. I would have made this a PG-13. Now onto just a few little shmidges I'd like to point out.
I totally do not understand that entire part. What is it?
Sorry, just had to say, I luuuurveeee that paragraph. Nicely written.
Once again, great job on this! I hope you write more
So, to everyone who has read and commented on this piece, I want to make it formal in saying that this was a one shot and I really never had plans on continuing it. This decision was made mostly for that fact that this was written with a lot of very personal experience behind it. Well, almost all personal experience. However, after the comments that I have read, I think I may take to time to do a re-write and clean up a lot of things.
Also, to everyone who has commented, I really want to say thanks.
~lilymoore
Twenty
Hello there, Lilymoore. My apologies for taking so long to review this. Anyway, this is just about the farthest away from the normal type of fiction that I like, but yet for some reason I still found it well written and... not interesting, but... different.
Anyway, I think I shall do a line by line critique, so that I can comment on individual lines and then do an small critique at the end.
Let us first consider the title, I shall also do so at the end to see if the content succumbed to what I thought it would be about due to the title, or so to speak. The Bedside Reminder, the title is rather ambiguous. It could mean a variety of things, first, we should take it quite literally that there is something beside your bed, and that therefore this thing is a physical presence and exists, maybe a thought written upon paper to remind yourself of something or such. But perhaps you are trying to depict this as a metaphysical thing, that there is a presence about your bedside that sets about you an air of remembrance. That line is not meant to sound like a ghost or anything. xD
Yes, I find the title to be the former - the physical presence.
I don't really have much to say, I'd try and come up with something to make it more unique, but that's not really what this piece is. This is mrore of a personal thing than a work of literary art, yes?
Anyway, good luck if you decide to pursue this.
~Kirsten
I enjoyed your piece. It was confusing but not in a good way. I agree with all here. You should really play a bit more with the wording. But your piece captured me right in. I believe the tone itself is too formal for a first person pov. Maybe you could try simplifying it down a bit.
in the beginning what are all of the stars for they seem out of place?
Overall i liked it;i didn't find any grammatical errors at all. It was a little confusing at times though.
I am sorry for the short review, but i didn't find much.
I really liked the way this kept me wanting to read more and see what happened. you captured the essence of how this woman (girl?) was conflicted, but you never really describe her in anyway. we never know the name of the boy she said no too, but in a way its kind of cool because you get a picture of what their personalities are like before you know what they look like. You better keep writing this!
Saphirra
Here I am, as requested!
So is this a note? It's very unclear... to make it seem more like a note, put the writing in italics. Or mention it's a note from the very beginning,
I scanned over the crinkled paper. The spindly letters stretched spider-like across the page, each symbol reminding me of the previous night.
Or something like that.
I think you meant, "though hard to read."
Why is it hard to read? Is the handwriting illegible? Is the ink smudged? Don't just assume the reader understands what you are talking about, show the reader with description.
How would she admire his touch if she'd never experienced it?
Okay, so I began to get very confused at this point, mostly because you switch your tenses around a lot. Some sentences are in present tense, and some are in past. Always stay consistent with your tenses!
I'm also wondering where you're going to go with this piece. So a boy wanted to have a threesome with her. How does that become a plot?
A lot of your sentences are fairly awkward. Adding a lt of hyphens -- makes the sentence -- choppy -- especially when -- you add them when -- you don't need them. ^_^
The whole reference to Daniel as her "true" love was a bit corny, mainly because of its overuse.
PM me if you have any questions.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Hiya Lily! You requested, I come.
All the grammar issues have already been pointed out, so I don't think I need to point them out again.
But I do have one big question: Do you plan on doing more with this? Or was this just it?
I think you can do a lot more with this. Leaving it off like this, well, I didn't particularly like. You could add some more description and add more details to clear up the confusion.
We never found out her name, nor the boy's name.
It was just a vague description of what happened.
I'm just saying that they're are a lot of opportunities here.
I love the idea you have; you can do a lot more with this.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot.
*Cat
Hey lilymoore! Here (finally) for the review (sorry about that)!
So, I found little wrong with this piece. Yes, it was a little confusing, but I think it works to kind of keep the readers guessing. And I like the way you began with a note.
But! It didn't seem to go anywhere. It was more a journal entry, or like Conrad said, a personal anecdote than a story. And, again, like Conrad said, it is very straightforward. You could try adding some confusion (on her part), or history, or emotion to make it a bit more interesting, because this is a fairly normal occurence, and when the plot is maybe not the focus, those little things make a huge difference.
Quite sorry for the delay, and I know this is short, but again there wasn't much that I could find. I suggest just playing around with it a bit, trying to make it more intriguing and unique.
-Mars
Well, lilymoore, here I am with my review. I have to say that this is a rather well written piece, with no glaring grammar or usage errors to mar it. Very well done on that part. I also appreciate the brevity of this piece, not because I think it is bad(haha) but because many works to me go on and on without really saying much of anything. But your work is sweet and doesn't overstay its welcome, which I do appreciate.
That being said, let's get on to what I did not particularly enjoy. This seemed to be a rather straightforward story here. Not much intrigue, not much to make it really interesting in my opinion, it's just her views laid out straightforward. An attempt at making an unreliable narrator, one that we sympathize with based on their descriptions of events but are led astray by, would be a good thing to try here.
This also seems to be a rather personal sort of thing. I'm not saying that this happened to you, not at all, but this does seem to be more of a personal anecdote than a story. I don't know if that was your intention, but it is what came across.
Well, that's about all I can think of. PM me if you have any questions or just wish to scream at me. Good job, and good luck.
Hey! I really like the story, but there's a few things that you should look into. Beware though, I do nit-pick a lot.
Anyways, on with the review!
though
When was everything fuzzy? The night before or right at that moment?
Very confusing sentence. I'm not sure what you mean. Try rewording it.
Put a period or semi-colon there. It'll work better.
Awkward wording.
More awkward wording.
I think you mean folded and snugly.
Using the same word to start a sentence more than once in a row interupts the flow of the story and makes it seem more boring. For example, it's not very interesting if someone writes something like this:
I did this. I did that. I did this again.
Try something like 'Rolling over in my bed, I grabbed the phone and.....'
Awkward wording again. Also, should be 'cleared' and 'spoke'.
Again, try rewording. Maybe something like, 'And with that I snapped the phone shut, curled into a ball and went back to sleep.'
That's it. Great job and I hope to be able to read more of your work sometime!
Unlike the others that said it was confusing I understood what the first part was. If you don't write more I will cry! It was AMAZING!! Like wordartisan the feelings and the memory is so capturing. If you haven't wrote in a while then I say you haven't lost your touch. Keep writing because it is ... I'm speechless right now.
That was great! It was very suspenseful. I am interested in reading more.
Tips:
Add more description. Make everyone who reads your story feel like they are in the girl's position. Also, make the first part of the story more clear. I didn't really understand what the *'s meant.
Overall, it is a very amazing story! Very promising.
Good luck!
I liked it very questioning, but like wordartisan it was a little confusing. Other than that I would like to read more of it.
I really liked this, but it was so confusing. I didn't get it. Was the first part a note? The rest of it was amazing. I really liked the main character. i really wonder what the reoccurring feelings are. The way she can still feel the persons fingers on her body is really cool. Can you explain that first part, or right differently i can't figure out what it is. Pm me when the next part comes out I want to read it.