When juan found out that Maria was pregnant he started thinking how his life was going to be with Juaqin he didn’t like it so he moved schools because he didn't want to hear about Juaqin and he didn't want to take care of him. when started to now people from the other school he started hanging out with the bad people he started smoking,and drinking alcohol. One day he got a phone call it was unknown he picked up and they said if this was Juan he said yes they also told him that maria was about to give birth he felt bad so he went to the hospital right when she finished giving birth she was passing out she stopped `breathing.
*****
When Juan found out that Maria was dying while she was giving birth to her son he decided to go back to his son and take care of him. When he went back to his son Juaqin he decided to change his life after he did all that bad stuff while he was gone. So juan thought about his son life without him and he chose to go back and take care of him. Juan and Juaqin had have been having a good time even though Juan had to keep going to school and work, he managed to be a responsible teenager and and do what he had to do so he can get his son the life Juan wanted as a kid. Juan wanted his life to be perfect as a kid but he couldn't do that because he had bad things going on in his head, with all that In his head he chose to do bad things for a while succeed in life and do better than himself. Juan thinks back and see all the damage he did to his sons mother and his son .His shoulder were down, head facing the floor his eyes were watery. then after when Juaquin came to the world he changed to see his son.
*****
When juan found out that Maria was pregnant he started thinking how his life was going to be with Juaqin he didn’t like it so he moved schools because he didn't want to hear about Juaqin and he didn't want to take care of him. when started to now people from the other school he started hanging out with the bad people he started smoking,and drinking alcohol. One day he got a phone call it was unknown he picked up and they said if this was Juan he said yes they also told him that maria was about to give birth he felt bad so he went to the hospital right when she finished giving birth she was passing out she stopped breathing.
*****
When Juan found out that Maria was dying while she was giving birth to her son he decided to go back to his son and take care of him. When he went back to his son Juaqin he decided to change his life after he did all that bad stuff while he was gone. So juan thought about his son life without him and he chose to go back and take care of him. Juan and Juaqin had have been having a good time even though Juan had to keep going to school and work, he managed to be a responsible teenager and and do what he had to do so he can get his son the life Juan wanted as a kid. Juan wanted his life to be perfect as a kid but he couldn't do that because he had bad things going on in his head, with all that In his head he chose to do bad things for a while succeed in life and do better than himself. Juan thinks back and see all the damage he did to his sons mother and his son .His shoulder were down, head facing the floor his eyes were watery. then after when Juaquin came to the world he changed to see his son.
*****
When Juan found out that Maria was dying while she was giving birth to her son he decided to go back to his son and take care of him. When he went back to his son Juaqin he decided to change his life after he did all that bad stuff while he was gone. So juan thought about his son life without him and he chose to go back and take care of him. Juan and Juaqin had have been having a good time even though Juan had to keep going to school and work, he managed to be a responsible teenager and and do what he had to do so he can get his son the life Juan wanted as a kid. Juan wanted his life to be perfect as a kid but he couldn't do that because he had bad things going on in his head, with all that In his head he chose to do bad things for a while succeed in life and do better than himself. Juan thinks back and see all the damage he did to his sons mother and his son .His shoulder were down, head facing the floor his eyes were watery. then after when Juaquin came to the world he changed to see his son.
*****
It was a beautiful night, the moon hung high in the clouds when Juaqin and his father were at the drive-in watching Pacific Rim. Two big men walked up to the car and said, "Hey Cochiloco where’s our money?!" Juan was in disbelief! So many thoughts raced through his body like, how did they find him? Why were they here? How am I gonna get out of this one? I HOPE THEY DON'T HURT MY SON! I will never let them touch him. Sweat beat down his forehead onto to his full dark eyebrows, they must have been sitting there for what seemed hours until Juan finally half stuttering he said " Mmm mijo , Ju Juaqin why don't you go get us some popcorn, NOW." Juaqin had too take several seconds to process this for he was still in shock but finally he said, "these men scare me pa, who are they?" "Are you deaf or what! I said to go!" "but da-" "I said go now!" One of the large figures suggested that he listen to is father. Bothered by the fact that he had to leave his dad alone Juaqin said agreed and was on his way to find the popcorn stand when he heard his father scream "I don't know what your talking about! I took no one's mo-" Unable to finish his sentence five crisp gunshots rang through the air. With a sense of dread Juaqin ran back to the truck where he found his father sprawled out on the floor blood dripping from his shirt. "DAD!" As Juaqin runs up to Juan, Juan tells him, "It's my time son, god has come to claim my life. Don't ever give up on life no matter what there will always be a way and I will always be here for you. I love you, just know that."
*****
Jauqin had lots of sleepless nights due to the mental trauma caused to him by watching his father’s death. . "A hole in me is what I feel, I don’t feel complete the pain within me is something no one can understand’’.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey there lilmoco. Just lizzy stopping by for a review. I felt that this short definitely needed a bit of revising, so let the reviewing begin. This passage is long so let's just do this paragraph by paragraph.
The asterisks, I think are used to mark flashbacks and such. In this text they are confusing. Please consider revising this part.
The plot is also bouncing all over the place. Within one paragraph Juan finds out his girlfriend is pregnant and the next she is dying. His whole world is crashing down and the reader is only a few paragraphs in. I would recommend extending the begin, explaining more about the characters. Create a better introduction with a description of each character perhaps. Try and clear up the order of events.
Paragraph 1: Sentence 1: This is definitely a run on and needs to be fixed aside from the other mistakes. Here is a possible fix. You might want to explain who Juaquin is earlier on.
When Juan found out that Maria was pregnant, he started thinking how his life was going to be with Juaqin. He didn’t like it so he changed schools because he didn't want to hear about Juaqin. He certainly didn't want to take care of Juaquin.
-I capitalised Juan and put a comma after pregnant to change the flow. After the first Juaquin I began a new sentence. In the third, I swapped he for Juaquin. With all of the he(s) that you had it was quite confusing.
Sentence 2: Possible Revision
When he started to get to know people from the other school, he started hanging out with the bad people. Not very long after hanging with this crowd, he started smoking and drinking alcohol.
It would take me a long time to revise each paragraph so here is a short list of instructions for revising.
1. Look at each sentence separately from the rest of the group. Say it aloud to yourself and listen to the length. If possible record the sentence without proper punctuation.
2. If you have microsoft word, use the review section and set the grammar check. It will usually identify run-ons and fragments. If you do not have word, I think open office may have a similar program but I am not familiar with it.
3. Make sure to capitalize the first word in every sentence and do not use excessive commas. Proper nouns, names and the letter I must also be capitalized. I noticed that several times Juan was in undercase. This is a name and needs to be uppercase.
4. Try and act out the conversations, try and get a friend to help. The dialogue is very confusing.
Hope this helped. Welcome to YWS.
-lizzy
I am going to be completely honest here. This story is not well written. The run on sentences alone make the story seem to drag on. There are entire paragraphs that are just repeated, I'm not sure if this was for length, but it bogs down the entire story. There are no description to this story and it lacks a connection to the reader that would draw them into the narrative that you are trying to write. The narrator is very flat and seems to have no life at all, almost like he is a robot that is watching his own taping of the world.
I don't like writing an all bad critique of a work. There are some good things to this. I can see the concept that you were going for, and what you were trying to bring about in this story. My suggestion is to spend a little more time on the feeling and emotions of the character; make him real to the reader. At the moment he is very flat and his story is very robotic. Try to emphasize the fear that he feels when he finds out that Maria is pregnant and the regret when he decides to change his life.
I hope that you continue to write and refine your style until you make something unique