Young Writers Society

This is the beginning. This is the start of what will be a powerful non-fiction piece, but you MUST dig further. You MUST find the meat of this.

Firstly, you end with the most powerful declaration, and it might seem like a good idea to go out on a high note: accusing your mother, the one you'd loved like an idol before you realized some weak things about her. but really, that is the beginning. we want to see that fire burn through something, devour something, and we want to read the meaning in the ashes afterward, by which i'm saying you need to continue writing this.

it's well-written, what you have. it's succinct and grammatically correct, and maybe as image-heavy as something theoretical can be at this point. but you can get more specific, and that will bring real strength here.

also, don't be afraid to engage people in just conversation about your art to find new ideas.

that's why i want to ask you why you think your mother's faith is blind. her words might seem without thought to you, as she recites, but do you really think she grew up and never realized her weakness? she knows that it's because she's weak she turns to god. she knows she is believing in something that may not even exist. she is aware, but she chooses to live in the company of people who support that belief, that mode of living, instead of facing opposition, more challenges to break her down.

just think a little more about it. i'm not saying hate or be disgusted by her less (sorry if that's my bias reading into your piece), but think careful about this to find the truest truth you can. and write more. write more stories about religion in your life, about moments you realized your mother was wrong. write to me about eight and eleven and twelve and fifteen.

good luck. push through.

lemme know if you have questions.

Hey Sunshine! I'm going to write you up a quick review. Quick note, I'm so dumb. I thought that your title was a name, and I kept reading it Oh pee ah tee. I thought, "Hey, that's a cool, unique name!" Woops!

Anyway, I'm going to give you a review based on the five components of writing. Structure, organization, word choice, voice, and idea. I'll start with structure, but since your structure for the entire story is strong, I'll mainly stick to sentence and paragraph structure, two things that are underrated in a lot of fiction writing. Any way, on with it!

As I said before, your overall structure is great, but their are a few sentences that could use some cleaning up. Your grammar is strong, but sometimes just because something is correct doesn't mean it can't be better!

In the first paragraph, I would start a new paragraph when the narrator says, "I am the anomaly." I would let it stand alone for effect, like this:

TEXT HERE TEXT HERE TEXT HERE

I am the anomaly.

TEXT HERE TEXT HERE TEXT HERE

That's a very common, very effective technique. I think it fits perfectly into that part of your story because that moment is where the 'conflict' begins. It's like the catalyst that sets the story really rolling. Up until that point, we know something is going to go wrong, and that's the moment it happens. It's like a sign post to the reader that says, 'Excitement ahead!'

Her face contorted as she tried to comprehend a way to restore my faith in her God that she set so much store by.

This is only a little, tiny, nit-picky thing, but when I read this sentence it threw me off when you said 'by' instead of 'in'. I've always heard it as 'in', so that's just how I'm conditioned, it might be different in your region, but I thought I'd point this out.

In my home I am abnormal because I don’t spend an hour every week on my knees asking an all-powerful being to forgive me for the things that I do wrong.

This sentence could be compacted a little. While it does add variety to your sentence pattern, I feel like the wording in the last part is a weak link. I think it's the -ing in 'asking' and 'being', and then the shift from the two like sounds to different sounds. This is just another one of those nit-picky things. There's nothing grammatically wrong with the sentence, but it does read a little funny to me.

Okay, on to organization!

Your story is well structured, but sometimes you introduce ideas that kind of float around. I felt like you were leading me into a concept, then we just moved past it. For instance: 'To their dismay my mandatory church sessions only strengthened my resolve that God does not exist.'

This sentence made me ask "Why?" You'd think the more someone goes to church, the stronger their faith would become. I was waiting for you to contradict that idea, but it never really came. There were a few more instances where that happened, and they were really the only weak links in your organization. I would elaborate on some the ideas you introduce.

Also, you start the story off with the main character talking about her family and her faith, and during the climax, you talk about her relationship with her mother. This is fine, but I want to point out you have a good outline for a more detailed short story, or maybe even a novel.

Your word choice is fine, not really much to say there. You have an awesome vocabulary!

Voice is my favorite part. Your voice here is very intellectual, kind of disconnected. I don't feel like your character shared her emotions enough. Was it scary when she stopped believing in God? Santa is a physical being, but God is supposedly all powerful and spiritual, did she ever question the rules behind this principal? And finally, when you say she stopped believing in Jesus, did she stop believing in his teachings, in his godliness, or in his existence?

Other than that, your voice is really good. You express your ideas clearly and concisely. Just remember that sometimes it's a good idea to delve a little deeper into your characters, even for a short work like this. Show, don't tell. Show us her brokenness and pain, show us when she tells her mother that she doesn't believe in God, show us sitting in church, losing her faith.

Your voice is great, but remember, 'Show, don't tell!' (Every writer gets tired of hearing that, huh?)

Your idea is strong, and you do a great job expressing it. I just want to take this opportunity to show you some things that might hurt your stories believe-ability. First of all, you say that her mother's husband was unfaithful to her. She doesn't divorce because she feels it would be morally wrong. In most Christian faiths, if a spouse is unfaithful, then it is okay to divorce.

Also, one thing I really wondered, and this is going to eat me up, but does your character not believe in Jesus just because she doesn't believe in God? What I'm trying to say is, your character is very intelligent, and I think she'd still see merit in Jesus's teachings. Not necessarily Christianity though. The Buddha was believed to be a divine spirit in human form, but many Christians, Atheists, Jews, Muslims, and people of other beautifully diverse cultures still grant that there is merit to his teachings.

:O

I don't want to start a religious debate. This story is great because it's designed to spark controversy, so you did a great job! This will definitely get people talking about religion, and it will surely make people thing. As I said before, you did a great job expressing your idea!

Nice job Sunshine, keep up the good work, and welcome to YWS!