Published April 21, 2010
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I agree..the title doesn't fit the story at all! I think the plot was about her and him loving each other, but its hard to figure out... I also have one nitpick...I didn't know when the story went back in time...is she having a flashback? That is my only problem..others then that, I loved it! I hope you write more!
Hi!
This wasn't too bad! I believe that once you add a little more to it and do some of the things above users have said you chould have a great start! PM once more is up!
The title doesn't fit the story at all. And i agree, it should be longer. Give readers something to hook themselves on. Explain to us why he was crying and why she loves him. Don't leave us hanging. Not with a short story.
~Cassi
I really enjoyed reading your story. However, it did seem to stop abruptly as if the ending was missing. Also, whenever I think of the title "Silly's Little Love Story" I picture a chick flick. This title just did not fit the story's description. Nevertheless, it was a great piece and I encourage your writing, especially in the romantic area.
You really have two ideas coninciding with one another....it doesn't make the best of sense. The reader just ends up being confused. At least maybe keep the writer interested while still guessing at what might come after the ending. Why is the character in a hospital and always has a lady talking to her? What's the history between her and Thomas?
Keep on writing!
-Jane
Hiya!
I think the beginning of this is awesome and very grabbing, but i feel like it should be longer to get a better sense of what's going on =]
The tense change here isn't very clear - it sounds a bit like she just got out of bed and found a bike. Maybe if you say 'I was pedalling' or 'I had been pedalling' it would be clearer =] Also a paragraph break would help divide the past and present a bit better.
Control your tenses, woman. You should add an extra bit on the end ie 'cautiously tottering over, I asked what was wrong' OR just change the tense of tottering to tottered. Otherwise this action is kind of floating around with nothing to anchor it.
But overall I really like this - it's intriguing why she's in the ward, and I want to know more about her! She seems a very interesting character through the voice you've given her. Please PM me if you edit this, your writing style is very nice
I agree with the story not being long enough. Why was he crying? What happened next? Why isn't she speaking? The first paragraph did hook me, though.
It reminds me of 'GardenState'
Hello there and Welcome to YWS!
Is this your first submitted work? Well, as what others have stated above, your story didn't fit well with the title. I like the flow from the first paragraph but when I was going to the end, all of a sudden you left it hanging (you understand me?)Anyway,I think it would be better if you continue this.
Keep Writing!
Peace out!
Like the daisiamari said the title doesn't fit the story and I liked where you were going with the first paragraph and all, but then when I came to the ending I was stuck wondering where's the rest of it? I wished it was longer.
there isn't really enough to talk about yet but I don't understand the title