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HAI! Welcome to YWS!
Glad to be yer first review I'm very active on the site so if you ever have a question, feel free to PM me;D

First thing: Make sure you know about the 2:1 ratio!

Once upon a time there was a land called Cyanotica

This is a very cliche way to start off a piece. Very common and used quite a lot. I think that you should consider rewriting it. Open with something that keeps readers attracted and hooked, not setting a scene for a bed time story. You know?

Cyanotica.Cyanotica

You need a space after the period, doll.

Cyanotica was a beautiful land filled with extinct creatures like dodo birds.

This is your first description of the this beautiful place, right? I think instead of talking about extinct animals like dodo birds, point out something even more exquisite than extinct animals.

As with every land there was a ruler, namely a king, and as any man normally does he had a lovely wife, if you wish to call her such, quite a few sons and a beautiful daughter, she was beautiful by any standards even the dodo birds thought her pretty but thats not saying much.

This is indeed a run-on sentence. You must chop this baby up at once d;

The king however was something of a pig himself not at all domesticated.

There should be a coma after 'king' and 'however'. Another coma after 'himself'.

He was ashamed that he had a daughter at all let alone a beautiful one.

Once again, a coma after 'all'.

In this kingdom there wasn't very many rules, laws, or bans. From anything. The king was somewhat neglectent.

This is short and choppy. I think you should combine them to make them flow easier, si?

But thats not an important part of this story.

Never, ever, ever, ever start a sentence with a conjunction! (:

secret desire to find some one person

Remove 'person'.

, even more so than bass, with the princess from enemy lands. It was to be true, but difficult, forbidden love.

Rewrite the 'even more so than bass' part because at this point it doesn't sound like proper english. Also the last sentence seems to give the story away. It seems to me you're doing a Shakespeare type writing where you explain the whole story first, then go into detail. If not, then remove that so you don't spoil anything! (:

The commoner wasn't much by day he completed his chores exactly as instructed, never one thing messed up even a little.

Oi, oi, oi... all right. Here we go:
The commoner wasn't much by day. He always completed his chores exactly as instructed and always made sure nothing was out of place, even a little.
Or something like that. See how I split them up and changed some words to make it flow better? I think you should rewrite this.

her family, her friends. But her father, the part of him that she knew and loved, was dead to her.

Two things.
1_ take out that coma and make it 'and'.
2_ Also, take out the 'but'.

He could not, would

Change the coma to a dash.

Definetly not the easiest of jobs.

I would consider taking this out. You don't have to but I'd suggest it.

thats

Overall
I didn't entirely enjoy it. It seemed rushed and fast. You had a lot of mistakes that made it seem like you didn't go back and read over your work. I suggest that next time you post, you read over and correct mistakes that could easily be seen. Also, instead of switching back and forth between the boy and girl, maybe one post should be about the girl and the next post be about the boy. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me like I said in the beginning of this review. Keep writing!

-Olivia