ꜰʀᴀɢᴍᴇɴᴛꜱ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 1: ᴄʏᴄʟᴇ

Hello, I'm here to leave a quick review!

Okay, I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this piece! The writing was so poetic, the descriptions of emotion and physical state of being were so vivid and surreal. I also loved how you formatted it and used different colors, fonts, and line breaks to emphasize what you were saying.

So let's talk about the formatting! I thought the use of a black background added a sort of cerebral touch to it that made reading more immersive to the readers! When I read it, there was a feeling that was both suspenseful and unsettling. I also liked how you changed the colors of certain words or phrases. When you used the color red, I felt dread and also worried for the main character that something bad was about to happen. Speaking of which...

There was great suspense throughout the piece! It was clever how you only revealed the character's name later on, and the general vibe of the chapter was very distorted and mysterious. How you described what was happening felt very dream/nightmarish, like the character was stuck in her own thoughts. From my interpretation, you conveyed the kind of mysteriousness that you were trying to convey really well.

I liked your use of onomatopoeias! Like what I said before, it really immerses the reader into the story and describes also what the character is hearing to the reader. It has a poetic element to it. Speaking of poetry, I thought you cleverly used connotations of objects to describe things. Like how you described the floor as icy, or the broken clock, or describing the walls as breathing flesh. All of that added to the idea you were going for throughout the story. I almost felt like I was reading a poem instead of a chapter, actually!

Lastly, I liked how you used the "tip" and "tap" of water both at the beginning and end of the story. That really showed that the character was going through a cycle, a loop, and that they were just back to the start again. It was a very cool way to wrap up the chapter and make closure. The ending with the Observer was also very mysterious, as we do not know who this person is, have no way of identifying them, and it seems that they have evil intentions and schadenfreude in their character.

Overall, I love this style of storytelling! It felt very poetic and immersive and made me want to read more of it. I hope that you will keep writing this story, and if not, that you will keep writing nonetheless!

Hey there, lilian!

Whoa, what a fascinating way to visualize this story! I can honestly say I've never read a story formatted quite like this. :0 It's definitely striking.

I really like the repetition of “tip” and “tap” throughout the first paragraph — it helps convey a sort of unsettling feeling and also of things slipping away. I wonder what “old regrets” smell like, in this instance? Interesting phrase.

I like the way you call out those specific thoughts in the middle of the space; it makes them feel kind of otherworldly and intrusive. You do say, though, that they’re her thoughts, even though they might be resurfacing from her memory, so I guess I’m wondering why it’s third person when it’s a direct quote? Without the quotation marks, it might make more sense in third person, but with them, it sounds like something said about her rather than her own thoughts: ‘I always have to leave,’ for example.

So disorienting to see yourself in a mirror and be completely disassociated from that image!! I like your description. You describe her physical appearance, but I wonder if she also looks defeated? haggard? normal?

Ahh I wonder where the thumps are coming from — from the apartment, which is why she wants to get out of it? Or from outside, where she’s about to go? Even though she keeps thinking she needs to get out, it’s a little difficult to see why. It might help if you could push that need to get out a little further, considering that to an outside point of view, the inside seems safe and the outside has a lot of weird and dangerous stuff!

I like the subtle clue of “She didn’t want to step out there again.” It makes us wonder, “Wait, AGAIN? When was the first time??”

And I like the addition of the strikethrough text on “Wait, how does she know this?”

You do a great job of describing all of the weirdness that awaits outside — and I think in general, your descriptions of uneasiness really fuel this story and make it seem like a twisted dream. I think that’s really well-done.

It would be cool to see some of that dream-like imagery re-emerge when Victra fights the faceless people — like she can’t move fast enough, or feels stuck, something like that. That part felt a little more vague than the rest of the story.

The Observer bit is really wild. “A figure draped in shadows yet unmistakably her own” — is the Observer just Victra herself? Why would she put herself through this? I hope we learn more about what her dialogue means later on, because while she says, “‘You know what you’ve lost this time,’” the readers don’t know what she’s lost! A certain memory? Some part of herself? Why does she have to find them all again? :0 This is a mystery for sure!

To get back to the style portion — I definitely thought some of the things you chose to emphasize in colors were neat and added to the vibe of the piece. Particularly, “tip” and “tap” in blue was kind of cool! Because they’re sound noises, it makes sense to kind of separate them color-wise, but you also do it with a lot of nouns, like “glass,” and some seemingly random words, like “sudden” and “vicious.” To me, that doesn’t mean as much as that sound imagery, or even the phrases in red which help call back to resurfacing memories! So I guess what I’m saying is that I think there’s a bit of a fine line between the style adding to the piece in a meaningful way and creating confusion. Maybe as you write more, all those key words will come together!

It was also a wee bit hard on my eyes to read, I think just because it’s uploaded as an image, so it’s a little lower resolution, maybe? Or maybe it’s the black on white? But I thought I’d just mention that. I think there’d be ways to emphasize things in plain text if you wanted to include a plain text version in the comments under a spoiler or something! I know some poets do that when they include their poem as an image on the site. Just some thoughts ~

Super unique piece! And you’ve certainly left us on a cliffhanger. I hope you write more. Your descriptions are great and you clearly have a sense for suspense; I love the creepy dream-like quality of this entire thing. It really does read like a nightmare or fever dream!

Nice job. Let me know if you have any questions!

-Q

The way you described the passing moments around her was way unique.
The fact that you didn't mention her name to left the reader suspension is good.
The pain she is carrying it makes very real.
It is very interesting and intriguing work.
Good luck in advance.

The way you described the passing moments around her was way unique.
The fact that you didn't mention her name to left the reader suspension is good.

That is a very interesting book
Please write more books