who in the whispered breeze

Ohmygosh, like, sigh! It flowed through my head like a song. I freaking LOVE it.
xxxxx

This is such a pretty poem!!!
It's lovely.

I don't really know the greatest amount about poem structure and that, but I really did like your structure.
Your use of rhyme seems natural, and not forced.

Great work!

I hope to read more of your work!

x

thank you guys so much for your feedback and in terms of the rhyme scheme, it was meant to be AA BB CC DD EE...etc. but i didn't like the way it looked in two-line stanzas, so i spaced them up a little strangely. just to clarify.

who in the whispered gentle breeze
a still small voice can hear, then please
enlighten all else with its words,

please tell the brooks, and so the birds.
please tell the mourning willow leaves,
and every creature else who grieves.

This last stanza is one of my favorites. Some might say it has little or no meaning, but it speaks to me.

come, tell the setting sun, and so
do tell the gently falling snow,
and forget not the rising sun,

Right about here I'm trying to work out your rhyming and rhythm. I thought it was A, B, D. You know, A is there, and then B and D rhyme. But this one is A, C, B. A and C rhyme, but not B. Hmm. I don't think there's really anything wrong with this; it flows perfectly. I'm just thinking too hard.

yet if you cannot catch it, run
and tell me of the things you've heard,
of falling branch and dying bird,

of hidden moon, of famine, drought,
of darkness come and lights gone out,
for surely, gone will be all things

unless a voice some meaning brings.
but as of yet, these years gone by,
I've earthquakes felt and heard wind's cry,

yet never a still small voice to hear
yet though I wait with ready ear.

I think "never" fits perfectly fine here. Usually they slur a word like "never" into "ne'er" because it won't "fit" per say. Either one would work, but personally I like "never".

who in the whispered gentle breeze
a still small voice can hear, then please,
on my account, beseech Him ease
my doubting heart, and speak.

Hmm, a pretty nice poem.

Personally, I would capitalize the starts of some lines. It would not only make things easier to read, but it would clarify some stuff.

This is a very... ephemeral poem. There is really nice imagery, but from your theme the poem will end up being very subjective, if that's the right word.

What I mean is, this poem can stand for any person, any emotion and any event. The wind also has multiple meanings, as does everything else.

I really like that quality about it, and all I really think that's missing is some capitalization.

Gold star!

~Rosey

Okay so here goes you review, whether your ready or not.

Grammar/Punctuation:
I see that you are not using punctuation in your poem. If you are not going to use that I don't think that you are to use the commas and whatnot. Leave it completly free of it. Altough that is up to you. I've seen it done both ways.

Rythym/Rhyme:
I love you rhyme, it only sounds forced in a place or two. Reading it out loud can really help you discover where that is. When you write your poem, let it set a few days then come back to it and read it out loud. It really helps. The rhythm was steady in most places, I just found that some of your lines were really awkward to read because of the way it was worded, some in like yoda. You want the reader to be able to go through it with ease. Don't let them stumble over the words.

Overall:
Your doing really good with your poetry. Keep it up. Just keep the rhythm consistant and you'll be doing fine, and remember to not force the rhyme. I like the message and imagery that you use. Keep writing and reme,ber that practice makes perfect.
~Alyss

I love your poem. I write them to but im really bad at it, yours...speaks if you know what i mean.