Hi there I’m suffering from really bad writers block on my other story so I started a new one. For those of you who watch 90210 you will know that the character Rhonda had a really bad past. So I thought that her past would make a really nice story. So here it is anyways.
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They were beautiful. The three most popular girls in the school. They had it all riches, friend’s boyfriends. They stood together, bunched like bowling balls. The two standing side-by-side were twins: Amy and Amanda Davidson. They were flawless, walking together like Siamese cats. They had the same hazel eyes and model-worth bodies. Their hair was the only thing different about them. Amy had hers done red and curly. It suited her personality. Amy was the more active sister. She was the one you’d expect to get in a fight. Amanda on the other hand had light brown hair. She was the more timid and quiet sister. But as perfect and flawless as they both were. They just weren’t as perfect as their leader: Claudia Clarkson. Her name made boys eyes light up and girl eyes fire with jealousy. She had long straight dark brown hair. Her eyes were pure turquoise. She looked like someone you’d just plucked out of some fashion magazine. They all were so wonderful. And out of all the people in the world whose life they could have ruined they decided to ruin mine. To hate me.
Rhonda Maria James
I don’t know why. Was it something I said or did? Before I met them I was invisible. I was the hi-bye girl. The girl whose yearbook you signed but you never remembered. The girl who you sat next to only when there weren’t any seats in the class. But now most people knew me. As a victim. Of one of the worst crimes a teenage girl could think of :
Bullying.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Starting off here, I'd have to say this first paragraph here is a little too big. I think you should split this up into at least two parts, just to make things a little clearer and so that this opening flows better. A big chunk of text like this right at the start of something is usually not a good thing to have since its difficult to read and just might put people off even if it is interesting.
Besides that little issue though, this is a solid part to start off on. There is certainly enough here to catch your interest as a reader and then keep it there. Its an interesting sort of view to sell there with just description, but you've managed to keep it just short enough that it doesn't get to the point where its a bit too much but rather manages to be just about enough.
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Hmm well this is setting up quite nicely there to end on. The way you really sell how powerful this situation is to this person and how much it affects her is pretty nicely done and it really sets up the stakes of the story to follow I think. All in all, it comes together really nicely here to make a solid prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! I'm Mia!
You're my first review as a purp (instructor). xD
Grammatical mistakes/ nitpicks
Replace 'in the' with either 'at' or just 'in.
I think you should either stop this sentence at 'They had it all' and then write 'Riches, friends, boyfriends', in a seperate sentence. Or, add a colon after 'They had it all'.
I think you should join these two sentences together like this:
It suited her personality. She was the more active sister, the one you'd expect to get in a fight.
Also, change: 'in a fight' to 'into a fight'.
I think these should be joined too so they become this:
She was the more timid and quiet sister, but as perfect and flawless as they both were.
I think you should join these two setences together, seperating 'As a victim' from the rest of the setence with a comma, and I'm pretty sure that colon after 'apart from being murdered' was a silly mistake. Also, I don't think you should write 'apart from being murdered', it stopsthe suspense, and makes everything less serious. You don't have to say that, it's obvious a murder is worse.
Descriptions
Even though this is only a small part of the story, I think you need to work on your descriptions. You have to learn how to 'show' readers information, and not simply 'tell' it to them. I have to see what you're describing, and not just know about it. You do this by showing through thoughts, actions, emotions, dialogue etc.
Example of telling:
Sally had blue eyes and blonde hair.
Example of showing:
Sally's topaz eyes shone as she brushed her blonde hair.
A simple example, if you don't understand it, there's an article about it in the 'knowledge base' part of the site.
Overall
Hmm, I like this, but I think up till now the plot is a tad cliche. You know, an unkown person gets bullied by a clique of girls/boys. I think you have to try make it you own story. Change it and evolve it. Maybe give the story a twist or change it from the normal story to make it a bit more unique.
Sorry this review wasn't so long, but this story is too short to comment that much on.
Keep up the great work!
PM me if you need any other reviews or if you have any questions.
xxMiaxx
Hey mizzkitty =]
Aww - I have writers block at the moment too - it's so annoying
Nit-piks;
The three most popular girls in the school. - I'd take out the second 'the'
They had it all riches, friend’s boyfriends. - I'd re-phrase this sentence to, 'They had it all; riches, friends, boyfriends.'
They stood together, bunched like bowling balls - I don't know if this metaphor works here. Maybe descibe them as all dressed in pink and standing so close together that they looked like a blur of pink or something - just a suggestion
They were flawless, walking together like Siamese cats. - I think you could maybe put a better movement than 'walking' in here - maybe something to reflect the comparison to cats. 'Sauntered' maybe?
model-worth bodies. - I think 'model-worthy' would sound better.
Their hair was the only thing different about them. - 'Their hair was the only thing that distinguished them from one another' maybe.
But as perfect and flawless as they both were. They just weren’t as perfect as their leader: Claudia Clarkson. - I'd merge these two sentences together by switching the full stop after 'were' to a comma.
girl eyes - 'girls'
She looked like someone you’d just plucked out of some fashion magazine. - 'She looked like she belonged on the front of a fashion magazine.' - a suggestion
And out of all the people in the world whose life they could have ruined they decided to ruin mine. To hate me. - Comma after 'ruined' Also, maybe change the second, 'ruin' to 'wreck' or 'destroy'
Was it something I said or did? - I'd add in 'once' after 'I'
there weren’t any seats in the class. - I'd add in 'other' after 'any'
Overall;
So, it was an enjoyable read and a good start to a story, but I can't help thinking that it's been done so many times before. I only watched the first episode of 91210, so I don't know much about the character you are writing about/ basing your story around. But it just seems to me that it's going to be like every other, popular girls hate me, story.
You could prove me wrong though and turn it into an original story! I hope you do
The only other thing that I would say, is that maybe you could add in more of how the MC felt when she realised that she was being targeted by the popular girls. This might not be necessary though as it's only a prologue.
I hope this review has helped.
xDudettex