It was a warm day on the beautiful Italian Island of Sicily in taormina, and beach's waters were as crystal clear as ever and I could feel the warm sun toach my face as it sun kissed and lingered in my eyes. In the distance the beautiful view of the cliffs filled with old white washed buildings and the pleasant sight of the old wise olive trees swaying to the calm but suttle sea breeze giving off different shades of greens as the wind blew. The scent of the purple flowers vibrant but calming smell giving joy in the air and the sound of cards flipping as old Italian men played there cards yelling and joking and the sound of children can be heared with laughter ...what a day in paridise hope it never ends there will always be another to come in the end....
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Soo...despite this being in the novel section, I feel like this isn't meant to be a novel. At least there doesn't seem to be much that is meant to keep you reading more, nor does it end off on anything that seems incomplete. This just reads like a short story that's describing this place that is considered a paradise and well, while we got some nice descriptions her, there really isn't much else to add on here.
So I am questioning what this piece is meant to accomplish here. It doesn't even appear to be a fully fledged short story, cause it simply has a description, and the only that sticks out anything besides description is the ending is that last line which sounds innocent enough on its own but paired with the two ellipses ends up sounding far more ominous than one would initially suspect.
At the moment however, this is simply a little confusing as to where you want this to go. Its a good little description of what sounds like a peaceful place but that doesn't really constitute a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Lightningbolt,
This is my first time reviewing your work (and reviewing anything for a month...) and I liked the concept of it. I pretty much got what you were trying to explain, but your spelling and grammar could use a bit of tweaking. So here are my suggestions:
I think the title should be "A Day In Paradise", you've mispelled it. In the first line, "island" shouldn't have a capital and "Taormina" should have a capital. Then it should be "the beach's waters", "touch" not "toach".
Here's a few more edits in red and words I've added in green:
I'm still not quite sure about the ending. It could be better, sorry I'm out of ideas for now.
But if you edit it a bit and maybe extend it and go deeper into your descriptions, this'll be even better and you'll help us to develop a deeper, richer connection to the imagery and scenery presented in this poem. It seems you have a very close and personal connection to this poem, help us to feel that too!
Lovin' the imagery! Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Thanks guys for your interesting replies lightningbolt
Hello lightningbolt, I liked your poem, although it was short like a poem, the way you said it made it sound more like a story. Now, don't take my review the wrong way but maybe with the type of imagination that you have, you could probably be a good story writer.
Only in Sicily...
Good poem.
It seems more of a story than a poem.
Perhaps next time use a bit more imagery.
Anyway, great descriptions, i almost feel like I'm there.
Hope you didn't find my criticism harsh, I'm just trying to help.
Well done,
TheBigCheese
Hey there lightningbolt!
I'm the RepublicOfCoter but people just call me R.O.C. *offers hand out*. I do hope that you enjoy your time here on YWS and that you post and review many things! I must say CONGRATULATIONS on your first post, I do hope there are many more to come! Now onto the review...
The first thing I do have a problem with is its classification: General Fiction Novels. It is too short to be a short story of sorts but doesn't have the feel of a poem. As mentioned by watchmeburn, this should be posted under the Other section - it would have more understanding here.
Overall, I felt that you could probably expand on this a bit more such as scrapping the idea of describing one town on ONE island; describe all of Italy! You can talk about a variety of things such as the coast, farmlands, mountain ranges, the weather, the people, the culture; you can practically write an entire story on just describing a country. If you did this, this piece could become quite interesting.
Another thing I do have an issue with is you use of a thesaurus; did you even use one? I think not. It is quite easy to tell. Let me point one part out:
You mention calm twice within two sentences. This just doesn't feel right. I suggest you change this when you have the opportunity. Another thing I'd like to mention is that you mention that the wind is blowing through the trees twice within the one sentence. Repetition doesn't work well in one sentence. I say chop off the last description of the wind.
That's all I've got to say. Hope this helps...
MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.
Hi lightningbolt, CaptianRandom here.
i think you mean and the beach's water was as crystal clear.First of all i think you should have posted it under dramatic poetry.
Also i think i found a error in your work.
I loved this poem, i felt like i was in Italy, your very descriptive and the poem flowed which was also good for a poem like this.
Keep up the good work and i hope to read more or your work
-CpatianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions.
Hi lightningbolt, I really liked this...er... what ever it is!
The first thing would be is to put it under something else instead of general fiction novels. Maybe even put it under other because it is simply a description not a story or poem.
Putting that aside I REALLY liked your description. It was full of wonderful personifications, adjectives and descriptions!! It was great and I am convinced you have been to Italy (or read a lot of stories) because what you wrote was very Italian. Slightly stereotyped but it was GREAT!!
Maybe next time put proper punctuation in EVERYTHING you write...
Thanx,
watchmeburn