Tilting my head upward, I look at the two glistening shapes hovering above me. I’ve lingered so long to see them that know I wonder if it really was worth the wait. I make myself focus only on those objects not allowing my mind to drift away into a place I have avoided successful for almost an hour. A single tear trickles slowly down my cheek and a shiver vibrates through my hollow being. Why bother wipping it away, another one always follows.
I can feel all my emotions struggling to be released at once. I no longer have the strength or discipline to restrain them. My vision blurs as I feel myself falling further into the blindness of misery provoked by self sympathy. Just when I think I’ll become lost in this coat of darkness I wrench my head backward searching for the blinding brightness. Finding it I stop trembling and the down poor of rain from my eyes ceases. Transfixed, my mind begins to sift through the endless mumble jumble and useless debris finding the thing that really torments my heart.
How could it happen so quickly? Did I really mean nothing at all to him? There were all kinds of stupid rumor about what happened but they honestly sounded way better then the truth so I had picked a good one and let the world just eat up the lies, it wouldn’t hurt anyone.
This spot was ours or at least it use to be. We would lay on this soft blanket of grass for hours talking about everything or live in the silence of the moment. It didn’t matter as long as we were together. That’s how I thought of it.
I wasn’t popular really, I never felt I disserved him. He was the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever laid eyes on. We met on a side walk, I can still picture that moment when our eyes met. I should tell you that I’m very clumsy. I'm actually a walking nightmare. I had just said good-bye to some friends and as I turned around, the end of my jeans caught on to a small hook ejecting from the wall of our brand new gym building. I went down and hit my head pretty hard against the concrete. The next thing I remember it those bright blue eyes full of concern staring down at me. We went out for three years, the best three years of my life.
It happened a month ago, I came to his car where we meet everyday and he drives me home. He wasn’t there waiting with his beautiful smile, that I loved, playing across his face. I didn’t have to look far. In the corner of my eye two people protruded from the building to my right laughing and smiling at one another as they walking toward me.
I knew I was not good enough for him, why did I let myself believe that he really loved me. That girl he was with may have meant nothing to him but it represented everything.
Footsteps awakened me from my trance. The noise did not scare me because it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore so I kept my gaze on the two sparkles above me.
The person stood about five feet away, know realizing that another person was present. “o..um..sorry.. I didn’t mean to bother…”
My stomach reeled. Why did I come here? I looked up and he hesitated for a moment, the moon shone on us just then, and I could see the pain on his perfect face.
Then without moving from his horribly awkward position he said “I came to think too, about everything. What happened, why didn’t you meet me that day?”
He didn’t know I saw him with her because I had run from his car and begged my friend to take me away immediately. I had kept avoiding him, but by listening into gossip I found out that he never had gotten a new girlfriend.
In a whisper I asked the question burning in my throat “why did you care to help me the day I fell?”
He laughed “You always fall,” but then he realized the pain in my voice and he went to sit next to me. He took my hand in his and rubbed the tears of my face so gently. “I had been watching, for weeks and I kinda hoped you would fall and I would be right there to catch you. I was so angry with myself for letting you get hurt. It felt to me like the perfect way to meat you, ridiculous right. I fell in love with you when our eyes met and I could never compare you to anyone in the world. You hold my heart and soul.”
“You're too good for me, I was always your speck of imperfection. I saw another girl with you that day, I knew you weren’t together but I saw that I didn’t disserve you I’m not perfect, actually I’m full of flaws.” I had to say it he needed to know.
His expression became shocked and then a mixture of regret and anger swept across his eyes as they became as bright as the stars above me. “Zana, no one is flawless, no me not anyone. I love you because you're spontaneous, courageous, beautiful, and in a way magical. You’re my better half and I miss being with you. I’ve been driving myself crazy this past month thinking about how I hurt you. I love you more than the stars and the moon more than life itself. Marry me….”
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Wow, this is SO much easier to read now that you spaced it out!
] you, ridiculous right. I fell in love with you when our eyes met and I could never compare you to anyone in the world. You hold my heart and soul.”
Okay, I just copy/pasted it and put all my corrections in bold,
So, here is my reivew:
Tilting my head upward, I look at the two glistening shapes hovering above me. I’ve lingered so long to see them that know I wonder if it really was worth the wait. I make myself focus only on those objects [comma] not allowing my mind to drift away into a place I have avoided successful [say "successfully" instead of "success"] for almost an hour. A single tear trickles slowly down my cheek and a shiver vibrates through my hollow being. Why bother wipping it away, another one always follows.
I can feel all my emotions struggling to be released at once. I no longer have the strength or discipline to restrain them. My vision blurs as I feel myself falling further into the blindness of misery provoked by self sympathy. Just when I think I’ll become lost in this coat of darkness [comma] I wrench my head backward [comma] searching for the blinding brightness. Finding it [comma] I stop trembling and the down poor of rain from my eyes ceases. Transfixed, my mind begins to sift through the endless mumble jumble and useless debris [comma] finding the thing that really torments my heart.
How could it happen so quickly? Did I really mean nothing at all to him? There were all kinds of stupid rumor about what happened but they honestly sounded way better then the truth so [comma] I had picked a good one and let the world just eat up the lies, it wouldn’t hurt anyone.
This spot was ours or at least it use to be. We would lay on this soft blanket of grass for hours talking about everything or live in the silence of the moment. It didn’t matter as long as we were together. That’s how I thought of it.
I wasn’t popular really, I never felt I disserved him. He was the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever laid eyes on. We met on a side walk["sidewalk" is one word, so combine the two] , I can still picture that moment when our eyes met. I should tell you that I’m very clumsy. I'm actually a walking nightmare. I had just said good-bye to some friends and as I turned around, the end of my jeans caught on to a small hook ejecting from the wall of our brand new gym building. I went down and hit my head pretty hard against the concrete. The next thing I remember it those bright blue eyes full of concern staring down at me. We went out for three years, the best three years of my life.
It happened a month ago, I came to his car where we meet everyday and he drives me home. He wasn’t there waiting with his beautiful smile, that I loved, playing across his face. I didn’t have to look far. In the corner of my eye [comma] two people protruded from the building to my right laughing and smiling at one another as they walking toward me.
I knew I was not good enough for him, why did I let myself believe that he really loved me. That girl he was with may have meant nothing to him but it represented everything.
Footsteps awakened me from my trance. The noise did not scare me because it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore [comma] so I kept my gaze on the two sparkles above me.
The person stood about five feet away, know realizing that another person was present. “o..um..sorry.. I didn’t mean to bother…”
My stomach reeled. Why did I come here? I looked up and he hesitated for a moment, the moon shone on us just then, and I could see the pain on his perfect face.
Then without moving from his horribly awkward position he said “I came to think too, about everything. What happened, why didn’t you meet me that day?”
He didn’t know I saw him with her because I had run from his car and begged my friend to take me away immediately. I had kept avoiding him, but by listening into gossip I found out that he never had gotten a new girlfriend.
In a whisper [comma] I asked the question burning in my throat “why did you care to help me the day I fell?”
He laughed “You always fall,” but then he realized the pain in my voice and he went to sit next to me. He took my hand in his and rubbed the tears of my face so gently. “I had been watching, for weeks and I kinda hoped you would fall and I would be right there to catch you. I was so angry with myself for letting you get hurt. It felt to me like the perfect way to meat ["meet" instead of "meat". lol
“You're too good for me, I was always your speck of imperfection. I saw another girl with you that day, I knew you weren’t together but I saw that I didn’t disserve you I’m not perfect, actually I’m full of flaws.” I had to say it [put a semicolon here] he needed to know.
His expression became shocked and then a mixture of regret and anger swept across his eyes as they became as bright as the stars above me. “Zana, no one is flawless, no me not anyone. I love you because you're spontaneous, courageous, beautiful, and in a way magical. You’re my better half and I miss being with you. I’ve been driving myself crazy this past month thinking about how I hurt you. I love you more than the stars and the moon more than life itself. Marry me….”
Umm, WOW! This story is so cute and romantic. You made me fall immediatly in love with the two MC. You made me feel for them. You made me WANT to see them together!
So, wonderful Job!
All the mistakes above are ALL punctuation, so no worries at all!
I can't wait to read more of your work!
This should be Wiping not whipping. Other than a few grammar mistakes and the complications of reading this story it was all right. The lack of clear paragraphs got a little hard on the eyes but I lived.
When I first opened this, I contiplated on reading it.
You need to space out you're paragraphs, and if you
switch from scene to scene or to a different thought,
you should put a line break.
You had a few grammar mistakes that I'm sure you
can find yourself if you read over, nothing too big.
As well as a few punctuation mistakes.
It was really good all in all, the character's feelings
and what they saw.
Maybe a little more description?
But it was very nice and I enjoyed it(:
Yes, you totally need to space this out. I read the first part but it was too confusing for my eyes.
*vision blurs from the effort to try to read*
But, I will give you a proper critique if you PM me and remind me! After you space it out, give me a PM and I'll come back and read.
Um, you need to reformat. Put a empty line between every paragraph, after you do that and make it easier on the eyes I will read through it.
Pm me when you get it done.
TNC
i really liked this, and i realize your a bit older than me but when they start talking i noticed that you didnt capitalize the letters, but other than that i really liked this please right more!!!