[pre]THE CRIMINAL
Living lies is what I always do
Hiding the pain is the thing I’m good to
Killing myself with my own regrets
Teasing myself in woes and threats
Stealing the time of my own happiness
Dying with no one else but with my stubbornness
With all this words a crime is done for my sake
Now, imprisoned by my own mistake.[/pre]
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
AFTER I READ YOUR COMMENT I READ AND READ AND READ AND READ MY POEM BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANY WORDS OR PHRASE TO SUPPLY OR REPLACE TO WHAT I AHVE IN MY POEM
i GUESS ITS SHOULD BE HOW IT IS( IN MY OWN OPINION)
..BUT I'LL DO APPREACIATE IF YOU GIVE ME MORE IDEAS HOW TO IMPROVE IT. ITS QUITE HARD FOR ME TO REVISE OR REPHRASE IT BECAUSE THAT POEM JUST POPPED OUT IN MY MIND WHILE I'M HAVING A TEST.THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SUGGESTING.AND NEXT TIME I WRITE POEM I'LL FOLLOW WHAT YOU HAVE SAID. l
PS. PLEASE HELP ME IN IMPROVING MY POEM ^_________________^
It's cute that it rhymes, and the ending message is nice, I suppose, but ultimately, the poem is handed to the reader on a silver platter, no work at all for them to ultimately know that the subject has been imprisoned by his mistakes. The great thing I find about poetry is being able to say something without really saying it. It would be to say that the subject has been imprisoned by his own mistakes, but not in those exact words. More like so that the reader gets that impression, but might have to think for a minute. Because what fun is it to know something right away? ^_^
It seemed like you wrote to the rhyme. See which words are absolutely necessary, which words you can take out, and which words you could maybe combine into a shorter phrase.