Upon shore afar
Where the willow gently sways
Stained clothes soaked in blood
He dared not stand aghast,
flipping through warfare history
have he learnt;
nauseating scent of that
dreadful red;
to bid his mother farewell
if she had survived.
Was he to suffer —
willingly, whole-heartedly,
to every cost he can bear —
be born this way?
It is as though
the world was dark;
the Sun was scorched
by its own choking heat;
in this land of
mistrust and bombardment;
lamb to the slaughter
in the eyes of their tyrant.
To be or not to be,
that is the question;
whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the tanks, bombs and gunpowder of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
and by opposing, end them?
How he loved everything!
As goes love so goes life —
whose little bare feet
once softened the grasslands;
where his brothers used to adventure
the last of boundaries of wire;
when breeze was not even
the slightest cold;
and he could run and run and run
till the willow-leaves perched the sunset
flooded with sparkles of gold.
Expect the least of him
to fight against by force —
an eye for an eye;
he is by far
the greatest weapon
whilst confronting the notorious
AK-47.
Continues to live
amidst the flames of war;
neither does he fight for victory
nor is it better life he deplore.
Fight for the last breath
of the soul of his motherland
in which his body lies
peacefully,
lifelessly,
as though he has longed for
the same childhood memories
once more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, lhykv! You have a special username, but that's not our topic at the moment. Our topic is this poem-which I found rather interesting.
This is my take on it:
It starts off with a boy reading through books and poetry and all types of things about warfare. At the end, there is a dead man who we assume is the child, for it says "the same childhood memories." I believe what happened to this boy is he became captured in the world of war. He started to find it rather interesting. Later on in the poem it states "Continues to live admist the flames of war," which I think means he has become a solider, or some military rank. This is also why an AK-47 is mentioned. Of course, the ending is quite clear-he ends up dying, most likely in battle.
Of course, I could be wrong, but that of course is how I decided to decipher it.
I think everyone else has pointed out what was wrong and you have gone back and fixed it all, because I haven't found any errors. I could be wrong, but I don't see anything. I really like this piece, and I'd love to see some more.
~Prez. T
Thank you. Just so you know my username is actually an acronym of my full name :p
Ok, I'm going to start by saying that I'm not that into poetry and I have always had a hard time understanding it...sooo, this review will probably be short and not very helpful but I'm going to try anyway. So here it goes:
First of all I'd like to point out your word choice. IT'S PERFECT. I can't get over that small fact. You chose perfectly so kudos to you for that. I loved every word you wrote (which is high praise because as I previously said, I don't like poetry).
Secondly I want to say that I could follow this piece of poetry better than any other poetry I've read so once again, great job!
Third, I love the mood you set in this piece it's kind of sad but that just makes it all the more realistic.
Ok, last thing. Loved the Shakespeare reference. Great idea!
Good job and keep up the great work!
Thanks
Though I really need to correct some of the grammatical mistakes I've made :p
Well, at least you noticed them (or was told about them)! I'm not very good at grammar so I focus more on details and overall effect when I review.
Hello!
Okay, so this has a lot of good in it, and, unfortunately, a lot of bad.
But no worries! The bad is easily fixed, and perhaps it was purposeful. Who knows?!
Let's jump straight into it then, aye?
Your most major problem is tense. I have no idea what tense this is in. It kept jumping around, and everything seemed grammatically wrong. It made me want to glaze over every line with a verb in it. Let's assume this is written in past tense because kind of your first line was: "He dared not stand aghast," and that is very past tense. I'm not counting the italics before that, because I assume that that's what he read in his book.
This line:
is all sorts of wrong. I don't know what the noun before this is, and I'm not even sure how to correct it. Is it a question? Is it just being Yoda and flipping the order of words around? But anyway I phrase it, it doesn't make sense.
It seems like you are trying to use Past Perfect tense, but honestly, I never see that tense used in anything but a sentence or two, and it is very, very, strange to read a whole poem written in it. It's hard to understand, and it reads as if it is one big mistake. I hope you know what I mean, because I feel like I'm not being very clear. Let me know if I can clarify anything for you.
I'm going to leave these irksome verbs alone now. Just know that I think this poem would read a lot more nicely in just plain past tense.
Also, stanzas are great things to utilize. I know formatting on YWS can be hard, so let me know if you need help formatting it.
I love the Shakespeare reference (and your other references, like Hammurabi's code and such), and I appreciate the story. I like the twist you took on "peacefulness." I also like the thing with the sun.
It may just be the formatting, but this reads kind of long. I suggest you go through and remove ANYTHING that you find unnecessary. There are a lot of confusing, vague, cliche, or just unneeded words in here. Make it like a game to see how many you can get rid of while still keeping your main story and your best images.
There are a bunch of other, lesser things I could say about this, but I think the things I've said are the most important. Let me know if you have any questions! I'd love to help you~
Keep writing!
Thanks for your review!!
I will get to correct the tenses as soon as possible.
Hey there! CaptainSaltWater here for a review!
I really liked this. Good job. It's very dramatic. In my opinion, you should capitalize and punctuate things closer together so it isn't one big run-on sentence. Here is what I mean.
He dared not stand aghast,
flipping through warfare history
have he learnt
Do this instead.
He dared not stand aghast,
flipping through warfare history.
Have he learnt
It looks so much better. Anyways, good job! Don't give up and always write guys!
-CaptainSaltWater
Happy review day!
Thanks!!