The world

Hey, yo, Lexytheredfox! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!

This is going to be a rather short review since the other reviewers have probably covered what else there is to say. I wasn't a big fan of this poem because I felt it to be too simple. You ride on the surface of the idea and never let the poem take off. It's something I've seen plenty of times. The way to escape this is to branch off and add some voice in there. Flair is always needed to make it a neat poem.

That being said, there is also quite a bit of grammar errors and misspelled words. That got on my nerves quite a bit, since it was such a straightforward poem that had these mistakes that made it less smoother. Let me give you what this poem should look like.

As the world burns,

We watch everything

Dissolve around us,

Our loving memories crumbling.

The sky loses its beautiful color,

Telling us to close our eyes

And say goodnight

The first line should say, "As the world burns" with an 's'. The fifth line should be re-written as: "The sky that loses its beautiful color", and the sixth line should be "Tells us to close our eyes." But besides those few mistakes, I like and understand the meaning of this poem. It has a sense of pain, sadness, loss of memories which is a big part of life, and darkness to it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The tone was excellent, and now, thanks to you, I have an inspiration for a poem based on the word "dissolve" from your poem. I might post it tomorrow, so you can look for it under CatLover211 and know your writing inspired another. Thank you for posting this! I liked it a lot.

Hi, priceofwords here

I loved the idea of this poem, the fact that it concerned the world ending and everything we hold most dear to us being ripped away. Your poem is short, which I like, because it gives readers time to think about the concept you discuss, without receiving too much information at once.

One of the things I would say about this piece of work is that there are a few spelling and grammatical errors in there. For example, 'burn' should be 'burns' and 'lose' should be 'loses'. There also shouldn't be a capital letter on 'that'. My advice to you would be to check over your work before publishing it. These are just tiny nitpicks though - I think your poem is individual and makes people think. What would happen if the world ended? Where would we be? Would a legacy be out of the question? Many of people are fascinated by questions such as this, and if you continue to write about topics that intrigue people you'll have a very wide readership.

Keep writing!
priceofwords

Hi Lexy!

Nice topic! It is very eye-catching to me. It reminds me of Robert Frost's poem, "Fire and Ice", which I love very much. I will be reviewing your piece today, not correcting anything but giving some ideas and tips on how to improve your poetry, perhaps.

So as I mentioned before, I love to read about this topic because it is interesting to see how other people think the world will end. In your case, you mention it will end as the world burns! Your poem has a lot of potential, but I think it can also be improved greatly. If you take a look at it, you may be able to notice that the narrator was telling the reader how the world is going to end rather than showing it, and thus, there wasn't a lot of vivid imagery. I think it would be wonderful if you could show us the narrator's perspective as he, perhaps, dies. It's okay for this sort of poem to be a little more dramatic, judging by the topic. You have many, many chances to do this.

For example, instead of telling the reader that "the world burns", you can show/describe what the narrator can see is burning! Perhaps you can talk about details, such as ash. How is it that the world "dissolves" around us? Make the reader believe he is there too! You have the power to do that with your words. Perhaps you could describe some human invention being destroyed, helplessly. That would impact the reader a lot! Don't you agree?

That's my little duggestion for you today. I hope it is helpful. Keep writing! ^^

Hi,
First! Welcome to YWS! I loved your avatar!
A simple poem, great, I like this. You used a simple but beautiful language. You, however, gave me a vivid picture of your poem.

Like your previous reviews, this had some grammar errors. Grammar aside, this would be a delightful read. I really wanted to reshape a person's poem, so allow me to:

As the world's burning,

We're watching everything

That's dissolving around us.

Our love memories are crumbling,

The sky's losing it's beautiful color;

Telling us to close our eyes

By saying goodnight.

Hey! I am Doc. Firstly, I like this piece but I am not sure that it classifies under the "horror" genre. It is a little dark, but nothing particularly scary stands out about it. Some people have pointed out little grammatical things so I will give you the rundown of what I would do with this piece:

As the world burns,
we watch everything
dissolve around us -
our loving memories crumbling.

The sky loses its beautiful color
and tells us to close our eyes
and say goodnight.

In addition, I would also add a bit more description to make the piece more visual for readers. What did the beautiful sky really look like? How did it feel to close your eyes? What did the burning smell, look and taste like?
Asking yourself questions like this can really help improve your work! Overall, I like the idea but would expand upon it, based on my suggestions here and your other reviews.

Hi, I'm Slask, er I mean Dark.
Now this is interesting poem. It's short and sweet. Actually, it's rather dark (I love that). You words really allowed me to visualize the destruction of existence in a fairly new way. It actually made me think, what would happen to the molten material in the Earth would that dissolve? Would it be accurate to say goodnight if the world dissolved in the morning? I've probably missed the entire meaning of the poem, but nonetheless I believe it's perfect. I hope to see more like it soon!

~The dark one.

Well, this is short to review, but I'll give it my best, "As the world burns", would be a grammar error, it would be, "As the world burns"


"The sky That lose it's beautiful color", it would actually correctly be, "The sky that loses its beautiful color"

"Tell us to close our eyes" I might be reading this one wrong, but I think it should be "They tell us to close our eyes"

There's nothing else much wrong than the grammar errors, which makes it difficult to read, the poem itself could've been better, I wonder if it is so short on purpose to show how the world will end. In all, it was kind of short for my liking, and it was pretty hard to read, grammar errors, it was a bit choppy, but I like the last two lines.

Not trying to be rude, but is English your first language?

Wonderful job! I love you used words that painted pictures in my mind. It created a magnificent image. I noticed that you didn't have any punctuation in there so just a piece of advice: you can use punctuation in poetry. In fact, I have seen poems where the punctuation has made them even better! Often times though, its fun to use it as a way to enhance your work. I still love this piece! You did a magnificent job with it! Good luck! <3 Tash