your kisses

This author was banned long ago. No need to drag this up.

*LOCKED*

hi Lexy,
i like it, seems like it's a very personal subject. But such a personal subject is ruined I feel from your choice of words. Something that is personal doesn't always have to be the cleverest thing, so long as it means something to you. wicked last line - very personal and a strong ending. one line that didnt work for me "like the chances of winning prizes. " don't really need to say why. But all in all a strong poem, just remember, intelligence isn't always necessary. this poem would have been stronger I feel, if you'd used real words that meant something to you, seeing as the best parts of this poem are the parts where you're being honest. X

Lexy:

I am going to tell you right now: what I am about to say will sound mean. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I want you to become a better poet/writer, and just saying "good job!" does nothing but harm. It patronizes you, and wastes my (and your) time. You can think of me (and Bob and Brad) as your Poetry Drill Instructor, like we're in the army, and I'm standing in your face yelling "You call that unique messages, maggot? Where in the hell are you from anyway? It doesn't matter! I've seen piles of s*** that had more imagery that that piece of doo!" I don't really think it was THAT bad, but you need to understand what I'm saying. In writing, just like in the Military Training, we must completely be broken down before we can be rebuilt properly.

Now, on to this critique. The postitive first. First, its not plagiarized, which is a must, obviously. Second, it seems like you at least tried. Its not like you just put a couple flowery words on a page and said "HEY GUYS LOOK WAHT I DID!" you at least tried to make something good. Now for the mean-ness. I really didn't liek this poem. It was utterly way too cliche for me, and its what I like to call "typical teenage angst poetry" or TTAP. And I DONT like TTAP. Too many people try to write it, and very few people can do it properly, and even when they can, it still usually sucks. The imagery and word choice was cliche and the topic was too flowery, and at the same time TTAP. All in all it was completely forgettable.

Fix it.

Dan

Dear Lexy,

Yes, what Firestarter said.

I'd suggest you to appreciate these comments especially the time there's been given to even comment, you see this site is to help you advance in Poetry, and it is best you read all the crits been given and learn from them, even the harsh ones. I know at first it might piss you off but if your point is to become a greater writer please take notice posting your poetry doesn't always bring : "OMG THAT WAS SO AWESOME !!" In fact I'd rather receive negative crits than those.-no offence as I sometimes have given crits like that as well-
Don't worry I started the same as you(everyone basically did), just not so rude that is and without anyone having to tell me what I'm telling you now either. So please take notice and have fun writing, after all fun is all YWS is about

Cheerios, Chandni

lexy, we don't really appreciate that kind of attitude on these forums: bob and Brad may be quite harsh in their judgements, but they're not trying to be mean.

whatever!!!!!

hmmm, poets have freedom so I've been told and when I went to a conference to see simon armitage that was the exact question I asked.
"Is there a right or wrong way of setting a poem out." And he replied.
"No, you should play with the structure and write it how you feel like writing it. For example, if its a process of thoughts you are writing about you don't have to write in a stream of unconciousness but you can make up your own style."
So..... there.

lexy,


I can't agree that there is no basis for determining whether a poem is good or bad because of "poetic freedom". Certainly, whether or not one likes or dislikes a good poem is subjective, but just as it's easy to recognize a good painting, sonata, urn or sculpture, it's usually easy to recognize good poetry, and even easier to recognize bad. There are acknowledged standards in every art form, and poetry is no exception. I can recall poems I detested but had to acknowledge as good. I may have detested them for their subject matter and the perspective of the writer, but I couldn't argue with the level of craft. There are many poets whose whole body of work I feel that way about. But that doesn't make them bad poets, nor render my judgment subjective or biased.

If there were no standards of craft to be had in poetry, what would be the point of a workshop? Why would we be here? It's an absurd idea. Certainly, we all try to consider the poem in light of the poet's intent, if they choose to express it or it seems clear from the work. Certainly we try to remain free of our biases in commenting. But what you have said isn't productive rhetoric for anyone in a workshop, in my opinion. In a workshop the aim is to become better. 'better' assumes a scale from bad to good. Art is indeed subjective, but there is also concensus. If one doesn't agree with the prevailing concensus of any group or school, it is time to jump ship.


All the best,
Brad

hmmm, poets have freedom so I've been told and when I went to a conference to see simon armitage that was the exact question I asked.
"Is there a right or wrong way of setting a poem out." And he replied.
"No, you should play with the structure and write it how you feel like writing it. For example, if its a process of thoughts you are writing about you don't have to write in a stream of unconciousness but you can make up your own style."
So..... there.

lexy,

line breaks are as important as the words you choose (very important). read the poem out loud to yourself, putting in the pauses wherever there's a linebreak. linebreaks aren't just to make your poems look more like professional poems, they're there to tell the reader how the poem is meant to be read. you need to put more thought into your linebreaks, i think.

lexy:


I don't see any redeemable material here. You have some cliches (fading into his arms). You have an event that leads to name-calling. The one-word lines are sure-fire signs of the work of an amateur. Not only do they fail to contribute to the piece, they actually detract from it.

In fact, the first and last stanza tell the whole story--why did you feel the need to clutter the poem with even more boring imagery and repetition?


Better luck next time,
Brad

This is okay but i think the last four lines should be one or two lines. I'm no good at being critque, but this poem has too many stops i think maybe you should change layout of it.