Mock me,
Tease and manipulate me.
I don't care.
Control me,
Possess and trick me.
I'll close my eyes while you stare.
You think you're stronger?
The malice in your eyes,
Tells me differently.
Coward.
I can suss your weaknesses,
As fast as the speed of light.
I laugh at you ... inside,
My face does not give me away.
I know your type.
Your no better than me.
But I guess,
You like to think you are.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
It's interesting, but I think you ended too aburptly and it needs someting more, to flow into a smoother ending.
Hope this helped
When you say "Your no better than me", it needs to say "You're no better.." It's You are no better, not your no...
Anyways, regardless of what they ^^^ say, I LOVED it. It was really good.
Pandora
I completely agree with everyone else. This poem is good, but doesn't have enough imagry, is not very exiting, and is very cliche. Now, on to the critiquing.
Yeah. Nobody else seemed to catch this, but I thought it was pretty obvious. That "your" is possesive. The correct way to spell that is they're. The two words are insanely different. You'r means you are, while, like I said earlier, your means that something is belonging to you. You are saying that the bully has a "your no better than me". Is that an animal, or type of computer, or what?
These two contradict each other. Take one out. By you doing this, I assume that you don't know what malice means. It means, evil, twisted, hate, etc. That is completely different from a coward. You can keep the other one, though.
Nice poem, though. Still needs some work. I'll be looking forward to where you go with this poem.
lilizard wuz here.
Yes, very cliched. The whole 'malice' in the eyes thing doesn't really makes sense... it wouldn't be malice coming from a coward. Malice indicates will, albeit will toward evil, but still will... a coward wouldn't have much will of their own. Also:
No comma here.
Or here.
Or here.
You don't need punctuation at the end of every line, and it really screws up the way your poem reads.
There's no specifics here, no details, no sense that it's real. Give the author an experience. Show, don't tell. And make sure your narrator has enough mistakes to seem sincere - at the moment he/she sounds like the weak one.
I do agree with it being cliche', but what else is knew! haha.
But also the content is a little shaky here. It starts out ver good, and then the lines about the bully's eyes kind of throws it off and it kind of stays with that uneven playing field from there on. Also, the ending is not very dramatic. The build-up here promises a very 'kapow' ending, and the reader is a little letdown by it.
Happy Editing!
Meg
it's... cliche. honestly, if i were you i would re-wite it completely. sorry i am useless.
-P
thank you!!! xxx
I have noticed a huge increase on bullying stories and poems on here! But this is good, although i hate to say it to you, i think this kind of poem has already been done before, your other poems are somewhat original, i thin kyou can add and achieve alot more on this, atleast i hope you can
your my favourite poet/writer on this site!