Ahh, It is springtime
The sun peers out to me warming my petals
The lovely air sways my stem back and forth
My leaves flow gently
The bees buzz and come to me
I watch the children play in the sweet spring rain
……….
Soon the air gets thick and hot
Smog fills the sky and my lungs
I thirst for water
Patiently waiting for a drop
Nothing seems to be left no plant life
Buildings, cars, buildings is all I see
I am the only one here
……….
Trees are disappearing
No more bees come to me
The dark smokey sky covers the no more shining sun
I do not see anymore children playing
Soon I will be leaving just like all of my friends
All the dandelions and roses crushed by wheels
I am the only one standing
The sound of beeping and construction is all I hear
I see the large tire coming toward me
I knew this was the end
What happened to the beautiful springtime I used to know
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hiii! Bla here! I'm pretty sure this is your first poem so good job!
Anyways, I really love the message you are trying to convey, and I think that you told it beautifully! I especially like how the poem grows darker, and I really love the ending. It just seems so...melancholy.
Unfortunately, there are a FEW things that I would change. First, you're missing some punctuation!
For example, I believe that these lines would be better with punctuation;
"The sun peers out to me, warming my petals"
or
"Nothing seems to be left, no plant life"
This makes more sense don't you think? Also, maybe consider adding some punctuation at the end of each line, even if it's just a comma.
Next, you say buildings twice.
"Buildings, cars, buildings is all I see."
This line needs help. The "B" Shouldn't be capitalized because the line before it doesn't end with a period and it looks kinda strange sticking out. Also, It should be "ARE all I see."
Finally, maybe add a little more figurative language in the first paragraph? Metaphors or personification? I really liked when you said "I thirst for water." This was a great line!
Though, before that, "Smog fills the sky and my lungs." Perhaps this is a metaphor but plants don't have lungs so I'm a tad confused.
Okay! That's it! I'm sorry if I was harsh, but I really do like this poem! Keep writing and I can't wait to read more of your work!
I am kind of confused. I like the first part of it explaining that the plant life is slowly disappearing and it is being replaced by modern life.
''Patiently waiting for a drop
Nothing seems to be left no plant life
Buildings, cars, buildings is all I see
I am the only one here''
I love how you slowly go into it, waiting for a drop, then I am the only one here. Very good transitions. But the one part I don't get it "I see the large tire coming toward me". What does that mean? I large truck or like literally a tire coming at you. Maybe I just don't understand. Other than that it was amazing! Keep on writing.