I was sitting there, drinking my coffee and reading a new novel when there was a sound at my door. It wasn’t a soft knock visitors typically used, no. It wasn’t even really a knock, it sounded as if someone had been pushed against the door of my hallway. Against my better judgement, I walked to the door, mug still in hand. I slowly opened the door to my third- story apartment and peered into the dimly lit hallway. To my surprise, there was Gwin, collapsed on the ground. I knelt on the floor beside her, looking for the source of the blood now staining the dingy carpet. She shifted her head as I moved her, and coughed weakly, eyes wild.
“Cole…” she sputtered. “Didn’t...know where else to go” she strained, before her eyes rolled back in her head, and she fell into unconsciousness.
Six months earlier…
“Gwin, you have got to see him!” My best friend, Lucy, gushed. “He’s adorable. I think you would agree if you would quit staring at your phone. Also, by the way, I have a secret face on the back of my head.”
“Do not,” I mumbled, elbowing her and looking up from my phone.
In my defense, it was important. I was currently trying to find a date to the dance next week. All of my friends had boyfriends, and I refused to go to the first dance of my junior year alone. Lucy was forever trying to set me up, but she didn’t understand the boys were generally scared of me. I wasn’t very tall or imposing by any means, but the chain through the loops of my ripped jeans, the ever-present leather jacket, and dark hair tended to turn them off. Where I was doom-and-gloom, Grim Reaper-esque, Lucy was lollipops and bubblegum. My friend since second grade was adorable, like a little puppy. She was all pastel colors, blonde curls, and smiles, her hazel eyes warm and welcoming as opposed to my slate grey ones. But of course Lucy didn’t care about her hoards of followers, she only had eyes for her boyfriend, Aiden.
“I’m totally listening now, promise. Cute guy?” I said, to get her back on track and distract her from my monetary space out.
“Yeah, his name is Cole. I think he just moved here from Vermont or something, but he’s totally your type. Gorgeous, and he has the whole serial killer vibe you seem to prefer. Speaking of, there he is now!”
She practically ripped my arm off yanking me around a crowd of students. Lucy didn’t even have to point him out to me, it was that obvious . He was tall, at least a good foot taller than my 5’0 frame. And he was drool-inducing. Dirty blond, muscular, and rocking a chain with a Heaven Sent t-shirt.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi, I am here to give a review.
You started the story in a very interesting way. I loved the suspense at the beginning. You described Gwin and Lucy very vividly but Cole's description was done very shortly. Also the ending was sudden.
Overall, I enjoyed the story, it was beautifully written and waiting to read more.
Hey there lexilou, and welcome to YWS! Tuck here with a review for you today.
Overall, I found the description of Gwin, Cole, and Lucy very compelling. You did a great job of highlighting the contrast between Gwin and Lucy in few words, and you did so without overwhelming the reader with information or presenting it in a bland and uninteresting way. I feel that I have a mental picture of both the characters, and the fact that they are so different makes me all the more interested in how they got to become friends and their relationship. That was excellently done!
As I was reading this, I felt that you have the bones of a good story, but it could use some more description to paint a more full picture. You start to tease us with some brief descriptions, like the description of the characters and the description of Cole at the beginning of the story, and yet you leave out some important details. Is Cole scared? Is he overpoweringly curious? How does he feel when he sees Gwin? What are specific, gory details of Gwin that will twist the reader's stomach and wrench them with sympathy? Providing more information about the situation, the emotions of the characters, and more vivid descriptions will help strengthen your story.
I also thought that your premise was well-thought-out and well-done. It was very reminiscent of the cold opens in TV shows, or perhaps the introduction to a movie. It's slightly unconventional to open a work of fiction this way, but I found it effective. It established a strong opening that intrigued me and worked very well for the story that you are beginning to spin.
My final note is that your ending didn't have the finality that I would have hoped. You introduce Cole, which is what the chapter was building to, but you fail to show the significance of this to the past-Gwin. My suggestion is to include some indication of how Gwin feels upon seeing him. Does she stop and stare, drool a little bit, duck her head, or blush? Is she completely star-struck, or is she hesitant? I think that would better establish the stage for the events that take place 6 months later.
I hope these suggestions were helpful for you! I really enjoyed reading this because it had an unconventional opening and did a great job of establishing characterization. Adding some more description in certain places could really take this to the next level, in my humble opinion. If you have any questions about this review or the site in general, please feel free to reach out. I'd be happy to help you settle in as best as I can, and I hope you enjoy your time on the site!
Best,
Tuck
Hey! Andrew here to review your piece. Overall it's an interesting start. I like the idea of starting what a romance(?), with a part in the future that is very action-filled, warns us that this ain't just a romance. As far as critics, the first paragraph was a bit hard to follow, most of the sentences kind of ran on or were very abrupt.
This sentence especially was long and wordy.
This is said as the blood has already been brought up. It's an interesting way to introduce it, but a little confusing
But that's all just my two cents!
The rest is pretty good, short, but good.
I'm excited to read what comes next.
Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew