Published May 3, 2008
I am scared to show my feelings
I might get hurt so I keep on hiding
They say,when a girl got depressed
The pain is very hard to ease
He respects me a lot
And that is one of my reasons,why it fade my doubt
I saw his sincerity
He never stop showing that he loves me seriously
Who will not fall in love
If he cares a lot
The truth will never be hide
I love him,that is what I feel inside
Though we're too young for this
I must learn to stand If i have mistakes
We will try our best to work this out
By our faith in God,
our love story will never be out.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Okay... first of all, the subject isn't very up-to-date, is it? There were also a couple of typos. And I think you should leave space between a comma and a next word, like in this:
"They say,when a girl got depressed"
It looks a little messy if you don't.
About this line: "i love him,that's what I'm feeling inside" - okay, sweet thought and everything, but somehow boring. It just makes me wanna say: "Next!"
Best wishes from
Demeter
Hey there!
Welcome to YWS! You're from the Philippines? Wow. Me too..
Okay down with the critique..
Since mizz-iceberg broke it down, lemme just say, it's a bit confusing. The way you wrote it is a bit loose. You gotta tighten it. There are also a few grammatical errors that you should fix.
But overall, this poem is quite nice.
Good job!
Keep writing!!
Peace man,
Casey
I agree with Nikiller. mizz-iceberg broke everything down nicely.
I also have to say that you should show more than you tell. You tell us everything in this piece and some words need to be stronger. Like "scared." Scared is vague. It can be a little girl afraid to sleep alone in the dark. Or it can be a man's feelings when he is about to drown in water. We don't know the level of fright.
Try expanding on the ideas and your theme. There are a lot of love poems in the world. Make yours seem as unique and different.
Hope this helps.
- Summerless
I think mizz-iceberg covered everything I was going to say.
The main advice from me: work on your choice of language and particularly your grasp of it.
Good luck.
I think it is a little bit confusing. It is like you want to say much with less words...so it becomes very hard for understanding...
Ok I can see that you're trying very hard to convey some special feelings to the reader but I'm having a hard grasping exactly what you're message is. Your poem is rather bumpy and confusing right now.
Few ways you can improve it:
I thing 'got' should be 'gets'. And elaborate on 'pain'. What kind of pain. How do you feel? We want to understand your 'pain' more in depth.
No offense, but here it sounds like my aunt trying to speak English.
Especially in the second line. I want you to elaborate on doubt again. What are you doubting? If you're so sure he's sincere, where's the doubt? The pain? The hurt? The feelings you;re keeping inside. What are they?
What do you mean by 'Who will fall in love?" Do you mean he? Actually I;m clueless here as to what you're trying to get to me.
"The truth will never be hide" ???
Do you mean 'the truth will never be hidden'?
I've reached the end of this poem, but I still don't know what the issue is. What the problem is. I don't feel any emotion. Frankly put, you didn't make me care.
Were you trying to make your poem rhyme? In a lot of places rhyming didn't work and I feel it made you deviate from, your message, just to make the poem rhyme. Forget the rhyming and go for free verse and see if you weave some more imagery and emotions into your poem.
All the best!