Young Writers Society

Hello, lethallauren!

First, I should say that I really enjoyed this poem. If I understood it correctly, it is about war and a person dying - and reflecting on the war that happened (sorry if what I just said was confusing).

A part that I don't really understand is the light. Is the light meant to describe the war? Or a place where you'd be shot?

Also, I think that

Snow, cold as ice, choking my lungs

Doesn't really fit into the story. If you made the next line about the snow, it would have been more fluent. But that's so small and if you had a specific intention in putting that in there, I apologize.


Happy review day, your poem was great!
Keep writing, mephis

This is truly the depiction of war and those who fight in it. You can actually feel like you are in battle. What gave you the inspiration to write this?

Hey there, Rhia here to return the favor and review your poem!

This is really good! You do a great job with the imagery and emotion of battle and war. I really liked your personal use of language. It had a very captivating quality, and the structure really pushed you to continue on reading.

One little hint with using this site; on the publishing center, if you decide that you don't want your writing double spaced, just hit shift and enter at the same time. I'm not sure if that's something you wanted for this poem, but I know it bothered me when I was typing and I didn't figure that out until recently, wanted to pass that tidbit along.

Kay, back to the poem
I think that, as far as the poem itself goes, you're good. I do think you could tweak the punctuation a bit. There were places I felt were lacking punctuation, others where I felt punctuation was not needed. It's good, but the punctuation could accommodate for a better flow to this piece. If you'd like me too, I can go through and show you what I'd change, if you'd like someone to help edit?

Alright, that's my only suggestion for it. I really like the rest. I especially liked this bit
"As I lay crushed into the white-topped blanket

The aroma of pine needles filling my nostrils

The golden hand of time releasing me

I wondered

Was I ever humane? "

Really nice ending, it felt very complete and final. Great job, keep it up!

Very interesting piece you have here, I rather enjoyed it. I really like these lines:

" Weight of a gun bearing down on my back

My emotional barrier, penetrated

Blood and fear encased my thoughts

A personal invasion by the bullet

Shattering the little part of me that was left "

I really like your description in this piece it's amazing keep up the great work! (I didn't catch any spelling errors which is great not that it matters to me lol just thought I'd give you two thumbs up )

Ps: I's like to see maybe a few more lines that's just me though ^.^ I rather like longer poems! < 3 And another thing on the last line is it meant to say humane? Or was it human???