Published October 24, 2012
And the giant space weasel created the universe like a red barrel eye forgotten by the sunlight before a rainstorm it wakes, floating like an atom bomb just waiting for someone to talk to and teach the good word of the weasel guild of the underworld below us alll, a vast community of the stoats, ferrets, a vermin land of peace and prosperity while savage beasts of above gorge themselves on the luxury of being more than a shadow.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,422 Literary Works • 673,178 Reviews
Hi there, lentil of hope.
I enjoyed your whimsical tone. I, too, often write strange and wonderful things in the throes of sleep deprivation.
That being said, this is not only something that you wrote about weasels and ferrets and stoats and vermin (I'm reminded of the Redwall Abbey series, if that rings a bell with you), but something written about the state of society today. Interesting.
Now, my first suggestion for this (if you're going to keep this around) is to put it into a more poetic form. It's a big block of text like prose right now, and I'd like to see it in a more traditional poetic form. Here's how I would break it up if I were you (but I'm not you, so this is obviously just a suggestion (but it'll be easier for me to review if it's in this form)):
And the giant space weasel created the universe
like a red barrel eye
forgotten by the sunlight before a rainstorm
it wakes, floating like an atom bomb
just waiting for someone to talk to
and teach the good word
of the weasel guild of the underworld below us alll,
a vast community of the stoats, ferrets,
a vermin land of peace and prosperity
while savage beasts of above gorge themselves
on the luxury of being more than a shadow.
Now, I have a few more suggestions for this poem.
These lines are listy and prosey. I don't think they really fit that well within the fast paced whimsical tone of the rest of the poem.
Honestly, though. This is pretty darn good for being written while in a haze of sleep deprivation. I hope this helped you. Happy writing!
Not anymore.
The humans came, supposedly created by God himself for the 'greater good'. Well just look at us now. We have riddled the world with the chains of mankind, forced it to work for our needs, slashing and cutting life everywhere. Animals are even to the brink of extinction, terror flooding their eyes as a human corners them, blood knife in one hand.
Slowly, we are learning. Learning about our world, and how to care for it. There are those few who care, and strive to make the world a better place, to preserve it for the future generations of life. The world will never be the same, humans have destroyed with their bitterness and carelessness. No amount of technology can ever replicate the oasis that the world once was.
Maybe one day, a Divine Being might strike a blow at the mighty human race, the race who destroys and destructs.
Maybe one day...
- J
Awesome story I love the bits about the space review and your metaphors are amazing!!