The Clockwork Witch, chapter one

by lemon_dream646

Published November 6, 2021

E - Everyone

In My works

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Chapter One

Everett Monet's eyes widened in wonder at the festival before him. He almost wished that he wasn't late getting there just so he could enjoy the festivities going on in the square in front of his friends gated house. He sighed forlornly before grabbing his briefcase and sprinting through the crowd. He avoided elves selling their finest flatbreads, weaved around children playing with enchanted marionettes, jumped back at the sparks created by a dwarven craftsman hitting an anvil, pushed past a gaggle of giggling young witches clearly on their spring break, apologized to a heavily cloaked vampire for bumping into him, before finally arriving at the heavy metal gates of the rather imposing house before him.

He took out the letter that had been sent to him earlier that week and watched as it became a key right before his very eyes. He used said key to unlock the gates which swung open with a long weary creak. Everett swallowed thickly, examining the darkness that surrounded the mansion as opposed to the bright laughter still behind him. He glanced back at the colorful stalls he had left behind, closing his eyes as he breathed in the scent of freshly baked sweet breads and woodsmoke.

The sight of that vampire he had bumped into earlier when he opened his eyes again made him think twice about retreating as he hurried up the cracked marble steps and knocked on the large wooden door. He waited for a little while before it flung open with a startling bang. The woman that stood before him was tall, taller then him by at least a few inches, and her dark eyes studied him as he admired the long dark blue dress that seemed to cling to her every curve.

"Viola." He said when he realized who it was.

His old friends mouth quirked into a slight smile as she slowly crossed her arms over her chest. Her dark curly hair was falling into her face and she blew it away from her eyes before speaking "Everett Monet. I was wondering when you would arrive."

He couldn't meet her gaze so he focused on her hair instead, when had she dyed the ends blue? "I had some complications on the way here." He admitted quietly.

"You did? How interesting. You can tell me about them over dinner!" Before he could even protest he was being swept into the main hall and the smell of what was clearly expensive perfume assaulted his senses. He tried his best not to sneeze while his host grabbed a large blue witches hat that seemed to match her dress, placing it on her head. "What do you think?" She asked as she gestured all around them.

Everett blinked and took a quick look around. The room they were in was in a circular sort of shape, the floor had a checkered pattern, the staircase leading up to other parts of the house seemed to swirl upwards so far he couldn't see it anymore, and the bits of the ceiling that he could see were clearly glamoured to look like the night sky. "It's very...big."

Viola chuckled lightly "It's not exactly your small home in France my friend."

He could feel his cheeks flush as he tried desperately to hide his face in his collar. His family was somewhat prominent in the magic community but his mother had insisted on a small intimate home that his father had never approved of. He remembered when she had visited not long after their graduation, she had looked different then.

"Aw don't look at me in that way. I'm only teasing." She shook her head and rang a small silver bell "Cecil! Come here darling and take Everett's coat please."

Before he could even ask who this Cecil person was, he was distracted by a short man with short blonde hair walking in with his hands behind his back. He was dressed in a blue servants uniform and he held his hands out for his coat. As he was taking it off he couldn't help but notice that one of his hands was metallic. Viola must have caught him staring because she smiled gently "Cecil here is one of my...creations. He got into an accident in the reanimation process I'm afraid, it damaged his arm and vocal cords the poor thing."

"That's unfortunate." He said while still staring at this being. Reanimation was one of two skills his friend possessed but when he had seen her last she could barely bring back a mouse. Clearly that had changed.

"Cecil will take you to your room. I'll see you later." She turned on her heel before nearly gliding out of the room and slipping through a side door.

Everett looked awkwardly at his companion who only gestured for him to follow while he headed up the stairs. They walked in silence for the most part until they reached the door that clearly lead to his room. "Is this one mine?" He asked.

Cecil nodded silently before pushing the door open. The smell of summer sun overwhelmed him as he stepped into an exact replica of his room from childhood. It was incredibly well done, from the blue and gold wallpaper to the soft white blanket that he had always kicked to the creaky wooden floor. "How is this possible?" He breathed as he examined the small mirror on the wall. There was even a crack in it from where his brother had thrown him against it a little harder then he had meant to.

The man before him opened his mouth then closed it, taking out a small notepad and scribbling for a little while before showing him what he had written. "It's this way for everyone, to make you feel more at home."

Everett wondered for a minute why he couldn't just tell him that but then he remembered that this mans vocal cords were damaged. Clearly he couldn't speak even if he wanted to. "Right!" He glanced around "Thank you, I'll see you at dinner?"

Cecil's eyebrows raised but he still nodded slowly, looking away from him as he headed back out the door. That was when the rooms only occupant groaned and flopped back on the bed with his arms out. He had just asked a servant if he would see him again. How embarrassing.

"What have I gotten myself into.." He whispered out loud. As he expected, he got no answer. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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BeingRivy
Review
BeingRivy wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2021

Hi I'm BeingRivy, This is my first book review, and I apologize for any sort of mistakes. Take what you think is ok:
I like this story, and it seems pretty good, the pacing sort of seemed pretty slow, and it kind of reminded me of the Isekai genre of manga (though i never read Isekai before, it gave me an aesthetic with the setting that you are in a new place) and I like this story. Though I can't tell what mistakes to add, one of them is the sentences, they are long, but all in all, I think this story seemed super interesting.
I look forward to the next one.
from, @BeingRivy.

RealSadhours296 wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2021

This is a very interesting first chapter! I'm looking forward to seeing more!

Some points I'd like to make though. I felt kind of...thrust into the world? What I mean is that Instead of slowly materializing into the world with a guidebook on its lore and its laws, it felt more like I was shoved through a portal with nothing except my name. I do like how you reveal the world throughout the story instead of shoving a bunch of exposition, but I feel like this is too little of exposition, which isn't good for a fantasy genre book (one of their biggest draws is the worldbuilding). Where are we right now exactly, the city, the country, the world? Why is Everett here? How does the main character know Viola? etc. I just feel like you could work on setting the scene more in a cohesive manner.

I also feel like some of the sentences were a bit bland? Some sentences could have been broken up with commas for better word flow. The color blue is used a bit too often, and you could probably spice it up by replacing them with more specific colors in the blueish spectrum, like indigo, turquoise, cerulean, etc. Some sentences could use a bit of rewording just to add variety to the text. That kind of thing.

One final thing, Try to split up some of your more longer paragraphs, especially the beginning one. You don't want to intimidate your readers.

Despite my criticism though, I really did enjoy the chapter. Do your best, and keep up the good work!

MailicedeNamedy wrote a review Review · Nov 7, 2021

Hi lemon_dream646,

Mailice here with a short review and belated welcome to YWS! I hope you will have fun here! :D

You come away with a very interesting and exciting story here, with some points that need some tweaking, but in general the first chapter already feels like a good build-up towards a mystery fantasy adventure.

The story is well structured and the build-up is also quite good, except for a few moments. You can follow the plot without getting lost right there, but you get lost in the many details and appearances that are thrown at the reader even before he gets to the first dialogue. I think you've already made a good start, but I think you need to shift down a gear or two and start a calmer, more relaxed narrative with the first chapter, where you can stretch things out to give the reader some kind of "involvement". Because here it seems like I'm starting a video game without having a tutorial.

I like the second half, though, where the dialogue is presented in an effective and exciting way. We haven't seen that much of Everett yet, so I can't form an opinion yet, but I like the way he acts so far.

In general, you create a lot of tension with the first chapter. I would just slow it down a bit at the beginning. What I like so far is how you manage to build up so many points with everything you've done.

Other points I noticed while reading:

He avoided elves selling their finest flatbreads, weaved around children playing with enchanted marionettes, jumped back at the sparks created by a dwarven craftsman hitting an anvil, pushed past a gaggle of giggling young witches clearly on their spring break, apologized to a heavily cloaked vampire for bumping into him, before finally arriving at the heavy metal gates of the rather imposing house before him.

Especially at the beginning, I would avoid making such long sentences. This one takes up more than half of the opening paragraph and loses its meaning by the third line at the latest, because the way to the end is lost through all the activities you describe. There are ways to divide the movement into smaller ones and still keep the dynamics.

He took out the letter that had been sent to him earlier that week and watched as it became a key right before his very eyes. He used said key to unlock the gates which swung open with a long weary creak.

It seems to be normal for letters to become keys, but for the reader it seems a bit strange here. It makes you wonder what's to come, but the way you've described it, it seems to me like it's something quite common. A glimpse into the person's mind or some comment, memory or something would help build understanding.

Have fun writing!

Mailice



Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink