Published July 28, 2011
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Great Poem! you did a great job coming up with this poem, keep writing poetry and never mind those awful remarks people tell you. they criticize you because their writing is not as good as yours and in spite of how your poems may sound to them, others might tell you different. you just keep writing and dont let others bring you down. this poem's beautiful, I dont' see any mistakes in it. you'll become a great poet someday, trust me.
Hi Lele!
I really love this poem, love the way you hook me from that very first line, that is a very amazing thing to be able to do - a thing I wish I could do!
I completely LOVE these two paragraphs, they have an awesome flow and it feels so good in your mouth when you say it.
Love,
Really good job!
Keep writing because you know I love to read it!
No offense, but I got bored with it halfway through. This could be prevented easily, by adding punctuation and spacing. I'll break this down into different sections, my opinions of where the different stanzas should be, and review them separately.
Grammatically, this should read:
"In that moment
It was only me and you"
I really like how you started the imagery, casting roles and telling us that there's only two people so far.
"You were the destroyer"
Here, you establish the antagonist. It's always smart to get that sorted out early.
"You were bringing me down,
Ripping me up,
Stripping me of my confidence."
I love these three lines.
Already, in the first stanza, you've established to the audience who's in the poem, what their roles are, and what's happening.
Should read
"I was innocent."
I really like how you identified your place.
"Like a child,
I stood watching,
As my own feet
gave way under me"
Now we start getting deeper into the story, paying more attention. This is your hook, but it's late in the poem.
"I have seen my own heart
beating at a fast pace,
As you ripped it right from me,
Disconnecting the only thing I had."
In all honesty, this part had my wide-eyed. It was a joy to read, while being frightened. I was ready to read more.
I'm not really sure how this line fits into the poem..
Should read
"You stared me down,
You made me look at you"
Right here, I don't feel like you kept the rhythm going. Maybe "You made me look up at you"? That seems to fit better..
"You saw me welling up"
If you follow the above advice, you'd need to change this line to something like "You saw my eyes welling" or even "You saw my anger dwelling".
"You saw me welling up,
But you walked away."
This part, I found sad. It was another hook, in my opinion.
"I was going to fight,
but the words were ripped from my mouth;
They were stolen by your silent glares."
The first two lines are great, very metaphoric. However, if he turned away, then how can he steal your words with silent glares?
Should read
"I watched as,
before my eyes,
you turned into a monster."
You've went back in time here, and that doesn't fit.
"And though there were other bystanders"
You stated in the first stanza that it was only you and him.
"You went after me;
As though my flesh was the only thing you could smell"
This line doesn't end it very well, but I liked it all the same.
Overall: I really enjoyed this poem, after separating it. Sorry for the long review, I just had to add my two cents everywhere.. well, more like 50 cents xD
--Brandon
xoxo
Wow. That's amazing. Your writing kind of reminds me of mine. It's kind of silly and stupid but your poem makes me feel better haha. Anyways your poem is amazing. The only thing I found was this:
There were others-I think you should take this out or maybe add a comma on the line before it?
Loved you poem!
As though my flesh was the onlything you could smell
Other than that I don't thing you had any more mistakes I just loved this poem and the name RIPPED sounds so good this it should been read *** cause you know she would like it. I just can't wait to see what else you are going to write, cause everything you write is so good.