Published June 13, 2011
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hi, Lele!
You did a very good job with this song. The message was extremely clear, and the imagery used was fantastic. You've got some great stuff -- awesome moments -- and you can bet on a like coming from me.
I didn't like the second line here. xD I don't know if the singer has trouble singing that, but I know reading it jostled my head a bit! I can only imagine how my brain would treat it if it heard it first instead. xD
The first three lines here? Fantastic. The last line here? Not so much! Grammatically, it didn't make sense to me. I think the speaker is referring to the negative thoughts their thinking toward the controlling person, so maybe just a slight rephrase would clean that up a bit.
I think this verse is alright. I can't quite tell if I like it or not, so I'll just say what my brain said! It seemed like, in comparison with the first stanza, the speaker's just throwing out metaphors as if it doesn't think the listener understands what they're going through. So it's shoving a sermon down their ears? The first verse (as well as the first half of the second verse) was much easier in using the metaphors to describe the situation. They don't as forced like it did in this bit. Does that make any sense? xD
I absolutely loved your bridge. It had a similar style to the previous quoted part here, but I think it works very well as a bridge. And this particular bridge is awesome, so I wouldn't touch it!
Great job on your song! Well-written! You're a very talented lyricist. ^^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Soo Awsome
Hi there!
I really enjoyed this; I think it had a powerful message! It was really well written, well done.
Sorry I don’t have much more to say about it other than I think that you have a real talent here for song writing
Please keep it up because I really enjoy reading your work.
Chels
Hey,
I'm not an expert on songs but i can honestly say that this one is pretty good. The central topic of the song is control and being controled and you stuck to that the lyrics also make sense and fit well together.And if you sing it in your head or out loud it sounds catchy with very little odd sounding parts, like when say or hear something and you can tell it should be changed or spoken/sung differently.I also like how you lable the verses and stuff because I wouldn't know what was what.
Please continue to write more songs this one was great.
teenage love is so annoying at times. I like this song a lot and I enjoyed the message in it as well. Well, I don't enjoy someone being controlled or anything like that. I just thought you did a good job with this topic. You did a very nice job with this song.
Keep up the good work
I liked it a lot. It was very heartfelt and original. At least, I never heard of a song with lyrics like that so that was really good, in my opinion. If you keep writing songs, I will definitely read them all!
Howdy there!
I think this is fabulously written and your topic is very specific which is very good for lyrics. I think it is one, surprisingly that many people will be able to relate to. It seems to genuinely be written from the heart which is always good to see.
However just one picky point, which is only down to personal opinion. I have Obsessive compulsive disorder so I'm not surprised that I think this but your verses vary in length which is odd for lyrics. In a general lyric pattern it would go ABABAC.
Or something similar. By this it means chorus, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge. If you get my drift?
Other than that, well done really good job!