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by lele253isme

Published June 2, 2011

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Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
eab10
Review
eab10 wrote a review Review · Jun 2, 2011

Hi there! :D

Review tiiiiime! :D :D :D (Sorry, just a little hyper...) But, anywho, the review.

I really liked this poem. At first glance, the way it was written kind of made me not want to read it, but then I started reading it, and the way it was written actually complemented the poem and the feel you were trying to give off about your topic. Very nicely done!

Just a few little nitpicks. Nothing major though, I promise. :)


The laughter
Bounces off
The closed doors
Of the school.
The laughter fills
Her brain
With the words
That is are wrapped into it. Right here, since the word "words" is plural, the word "are" is more appropriate to use than "is" .
“You are nothing,”
“Your grades will never go up,”
The tears carry
The last of her self-esteem. Add a dash right there.
She is too big
To notice
The people that stand by
Wanting to do something,
But they know.
They know
Not
What
To
Do
At home.
It’s the same thing.
“Maybe you should go on a diet?”
“I am not saying you are fat,” Right here, Maybe try making the words into contractions? Since it's supposed to be speech, contractions are more realistic. Just a suggestion though. :)
“Maybe it will help your breathing for when you do track?”
She obeys the rules.
She tries the diets.
She takes out
The bags
Of chips
That occupy her drawers. The subject-verb agreement is off here too.
She puts her spending money
Away in an A not an since it's referring to "piggy" which starts with a consonant.
Piggy bank.
She listens to
The congratulations
As her weight shifts
From fat
To unbelievably
Skinny.
She is popular.
On the track team, no
Running, becomes easier
When your hair
Is the only thing jiggling?
This part right here confuses me just a little. Just, the wording or something or this particular sentence or whatever it's called. Maybe reword it or something?
But no one sees
All of the food
She actually wastes.
No one sees
How she forces herself
To release
The only thing
That had ever made her happy.
No one sees
The way she is unsure
About her new form-
How she was more comfortable
When diets
Were only learned about
In health class,
But no one cares
About her opinion.
They like her better
When they can walk beside her,
Not around her.
The tears she cry cries
Are for herself,
Her inner her,
Her inner fat.
Being suffered This is worded awkwardly. Maybe change it to suffering by itself as its own line?
And being skinny
Is being pretty
To her parents,
And to her friends,
And to the whole world. Repeating to isn't necessary, but keep it if you like. :)
So now
She tries to except it. It should be accept.
She tries to force up
The food
To make herself a little
Lighter,
To make the hallways
Breathe when she skips
Down them,
To make her friends
To And make her parents,
Take her out
Shopping
Again,
But
Most
Of
All,
To make the world
Smile
Up
At
Her.
And what has she gained
From the lies
Of the mirror
And her friends?
She has gained
Nothing.


Overall, I loved this poem. I, personally, have had eating problems related to my image and stuff, and I'm underweight, so I can really relate to this poem a lot. The way you broke it up made it seem a bit choppy, but that added to the emotion that you were trying to get across to the reader, I think. Really nice job!

Take a look at the little grammar things I pointed out, and if you feel like it, maybe look at the one of two suggestions in there too. :)

Keep up the good work! Great poem!

-Emily :D

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review Review · Jun 2, 2011

I like the topic, because I know it's a problem a lot of people have. Being a gymnast I personally have my own anorexic moments. Your real issues are all in the lack of punctuation and a couple misspells and such (like "accept" not "except"), but overall I thought this was good. Definitely got the message across, although I was kind of scratching my head thinking "well isn't losing weight in a healthy way like track a good thing?" Bulimia no, but exercise yes. Still, I liked this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

User avatar
writer4lifee Comment
writer4lifee commented Comment · Jun 2, 2011

This was really good actually. I really enjoyed how you wrote it. You wrote about a good topic too. All in all, i say good job (:



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson