Published April 9, 2011
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
This is really good! The only thing I didn't like about it was how long the lines were. I think if you broke them up a bit more, it could feel more suspenseful, like the darkness really is kind of creeping. You may not agree with me, but still. That was really the only thing, besides the fact that I LOVE IT, that I have to say about this!
Hi Lele! Funny, I wrote a poem a bit ago with the same title.
I'm confused why these lines rhyme, because none of the others do. Maybe replace eyes with something?
This seems really long and awkward in the center of the poem like this, so I'd suggest trying to rephrase it a bit, but I can't think of any examples at the moment.
I dunno why but I just don't like the use of "there is no more" here. It sounds... odd. Maybe say something like, "Until everything is dark and absent of light" ?
In conclusion, I enjoyed it. It was enjoyable and thought-provoking.
~BTM
cute i loved it a lot
Love it.
I love this poem a lot, it's really deep and has a ton of weight in it's meaning. Great job.
The dark shields our eyes
It battles the truth and the lies
The dark makes every mistake look fixed
But in the light we can see the discolored spots of imperfection This seems a bit long, but I can't think of anything that would explain what you're trying to say as perfectly as this line does.
But as the darkness creeps up to the light
It blends the spots together making them look like one another
The black soaks up every sunny ray of happiness
Until everything is dark and there is no more light I like this line, it seems almost like a vicious cycle to me.....the dark takes away the light and without the light you can't see the good so things just become darker.
So very interesting an idea to contemplate, good job, very good subject.