Published March 30, 2011
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
I like this poem! I really like the title too!
The poem is pretty good, though, it needs a little work. Yes, it is a bit confusing. For example, I do not know what you are talking about when you say, "Feast the eyes on this/ On my heart..." What is specifically on your heart that we need to feast our eyes on it? What this poem needs is imagery. It is really abstract and just a bit concrete. When it comes to poetry, poetry is really concrete. I agree with ehte92, "With my in not my outside" is confusing and it needs to be reworded, but I see . Although, I can tell the tone in the poem is pleased yet wanting to please people. You did a good job with being consistent with the tone of the poem. However, implying the tone of the poem would make this poem a bit more interesting. I do like the end-rhymes, such as heart and start, pride and satisfied; and thought and bought. I can see the message of this poem is you want people to like you for who you are, not by what you look like. That's a good message. I bet if you write more poems, you'll get better at writing poetry.
Hey there, lele!
Nice poem you have here-- I really like the concept you're going for.
Now, for the review. I would suggest getting rid of the couple rhymes you slipped in, as it's really pretty inconsistent, and ends up being more distracting than anything else. You might also consider slipping in some punctuation as this doesn't really carry any flow right now, and it reads as kind of a big block of confusing text. Make sure to catch all your typos too.
Now for the major thing: your word choice. I think that you could really play around with the vocabulary you use. You have some inconsistencies in tone-- try making the words sound more natural. Maybe play with the repetition that you have, incorporate some more figurative language, and make it sound like someone speaking it. Read it out loud. Where it sounds weird, change it. Punctuate it how you would speak it. That kind of stuff matters.
Overall, good poem. Let me know if you have any questions.
--Primordial
Hello Lele. I'm here for the review. When I first saw the title of the poem I thought that it is going to be some kind of gross or gory poetry I do not know why I thought that.
Okay then. Firstly I want to say that I did not like this at all. This whole thing. I could not understand what you were trying to say here. Was it emotional? I am sorry for being harsh but this is the way you shall improve.
I am sorry for being harsh Lele. I hope this would help you.
Keep writing.