Published March 8, 2011
deleted
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Is there any special signifigance in Nine? It is a possible avenue you could consider expanding on-- like one heart for freindship, one for love, one for selflessness, etc. I really like the concept and the ideas you explore. For some reason I really relate to the lines:
Your voice is really strong in passages like:
Also the ending wrapped it up perfectly. It works similarly to how the end of Shakesperean style sonnets work. Great poem, keep up the good work.
This was an interesting idea, and I love the wordchoice. You made some grammer errors and in doesn't flow properly at all times, but that was already talked about in previous reviews. I like the way you say nine hearts. Why nine? I thought of a cat. If you had nine lives, would you have more time to find love? See, that's just how my mind works. I've never concidered it before, but I wonder what it would be like to have nine hearts....better what if the guy I liked had nine hearts.....-goes off into her little fantasy world- sorry, I'm rambling. Good poem, write on!
I like this! It makes you think, plus it’s original. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about having more than one heart, so to speak So props for being creative!
I like how you were able to rhyme the whole thing, it’s not an easy thing to do! I encourage you to try different rhyme schemes so that you can branch out a bit more in this area, since you are already showing talent.
Well I hope this helped
~blacksheep
Lele
- These last two lines are drawing the whole piece down. 'Bad ones or none' isn't the best and 'the same song is sung' is a strange ending to such a meanginful poem.I really liked this whole piece - despite my possibly too harsh comments. :/
The feeling of wondering what would be different if you had nine hearts to love with, to hate with, but then realizing that although nine hearts would be better than one, one heart is better than none.
That part was my favorite - but as i stated, the connection is a little vague with your wording.
--PurpleHeart
I overall liked this poem, but there is room for emotion. It's more like a rhetorical question poem, informing them of each option rather than letting them feel what you mean by nine hearts can make you love that much more than if you were heartless, having no hearts. There's room for improvement but I loved it
Keep writing!
Hmm...
I enjoyed the poem. The premise was solid and understandable, it had good repetition in parts, and I liked the rhythm and rhyme. *mutters incoherently about free verse.* It was a good poem.
Keep that in mind.
Comments.
Content:
A thoughtful poem. I'm not really sure what to say about the content. I liked it; I don't know if I could critique it as such. The ending was a little disappointing. 'It's all the same' is such a dull way of ending a story or a poem. It feels like you're on drugs and singing Paul McCartney's 'Let it Be,' only not quite as comforting as that. But I really enjoyed the premise: what if you had nine hearts and could feel with all of them? What would be different?
You had a rather abrupt change from 'nine hearts' to 'no heart' without any real connection. Suddenly you're off wondering about a totally different topic, and it's a little bemusing. Maybe make a link, like putting a line in such as 'would nine hearts be better than none?' or even 'Would nine hearts be different than one? Would one heart be different than none?' Just draw a line between the nine hearts and the no hearts, or the nine hearts and the one heart, like you drew a line between one heart and no heart.
Spelling and Punctuation:
There, not their. There is spelled like here, their is spelled like like her, and they're is they are.
I realise when writing a text or a chat message that it is so much easier not to bother with apostrophes &c, but in the case of it's especially, there is a word 'its' and it means something different than 'it's'. Its, without an apostrophe, is 'belonging to it,' like 'hers' or 'yours.' 'It's' is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has.' Shouldn't be that hard to remember
Used the its correctly here. Nice
Put a comma in between 'you' and 'the one with one heart.' It makes it clearer and easier to read.
Realise the ore is probably a typo. Just pointing it out.
I really did like the poem, a lot. When you compare content-wise what I left unchallenged, you will notice that it far outweighs any objections on my part.
Do keep writing. This was almost a cheerful poem, and I respect that.
Mrs.E.D.